Today's Mail

Dear Digital Post Employee,
I'm writing you in advance of my lovely boyfriend's impending visit. Although he's cute and tall (and we all love tall men), you'll have to see past that to notice a flaw. Unfortunately, dear boyfriend is a procrastinator. I did not know these things when I married him. *another hindsight thought that dating for more than 2 months would have probably been a good idea* So, please forgive him for thinking that you can make a digital present today in an hour of him needing it for his Secret Santa gift at work. We can all agree that his idea is humourous, in using the mug idea from The Office, but the execution is lacking.
When you so politely reiterate what he has ALREADY learned from your website, (that it takes at least 2 days to get it done,) and he gets a little flustered, don't let him intimidate you. He's harmless. Unless he has a good set and a volleyball, he won't hit you! ;)
Sincerely,
Someone who would NEVER say "I told you so" to someone who comes home empty-handed.

Dear Global News,
Your news casts are usually informative and the morning show is often much entertaining. Of course, being ON the show is always good. But that's not the basis of my bias. I chose you in the morning for Josh Groberman- let's admit, a man in a traffic helicopter is hot, no matter what.
I digress, I admittedly laughed out loud at your RECOCKULOUS news article this morning on people in Calgary who are 'frustrated' with the weather. The written article is much more in tune with my feelings, but the television segment had me appalled. The myriad of Calgarians who were complaining about the 'horrible weather' and how frustrated they feel because of it makes me shake my head. It has been less than 2 weeks of bitter cold. And we didn't get snow until December started! You need to put more INFORMATIVE news casts together. Because we live in Calgary. It snows here. ALL winter. And Calgary is cold. Deal with it... er...chill out.
Sincerely,
Frozen

Dear Mother Nature and Jack Frost,
It's a bit cold. Could you please turn the furnace on a WEEE bit? I'm not asking for tropical, I'd simply like to take the kids out in the backyard to make snowmen without getting frostbite on the way down the deck. Your capricious winter storms are fine, but a little moderation is always regarded.
But thank you for the Christmas snow. Much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Realistic
PS- if it's not too much of a bother, could you snow only on the grass and houses? I'd like to stop shovelling my driveway. Well, I'd like my sister to stop shovelling my driveway for me! ;)

Dear Walmart,
GET MORE SHOVELS and ICE PICKS! It's Calgary. It's winter. And inevitably every year, you preposterously run out of shovels a week after the first snowfall. This is an obtuse situation that you can prepare for in advance.
Sincerely,
Another patron who is ice-pickless for the 4th year

Dear Kleenex,
I like you best. Your brand of nose-tissue is superbly pinnacle, and I will always be a Kleenex purchaser.
However. When I'm blowing my nose every 2 minutes, with GOBS of green nastyness going into your tissues, I notice a few things. One: with that much goop, my fingers STILL don't stay dry. Your commercials mislead-- I don't think your tissue is THAT absorbent. And TWO: soft and lotion-infused or not-- my nose is red and raw, and Rudolph has an understudy for Christmas eve. Please remedy this situation by adding more lotion. Or by adding Tylenol Cold and Sinus medication to every package of Kleenex. Or hot chocolate packages. Or painkillers for the raw nostrils. Or ephedrine to open the sinuses. Or sleeping pills so I can get better. Or uppers... because...uh...
Sincerely,
Debbi, the Rotten-nosed, maimed dear.