Award and Awkward

Before anything else, I was given another blog-award. These are always fun.

I got nominated by Debilyn- at mY "sO CaLLeD" CrAzY LiFe. She's someone I found through blog-stalking. Jumping from blog to blog, searching their friends, and then clicking on someone who comments whose comment I found particularly entertaining. I mean, if they can leave a comment that's a few sentences long AND witty- I am like a moth to the flame. Debilyn and I, apart from sharing a similar name, share many other things that only became apparent to us through conversations on the blogs we write and even Facebook. It's fun to make friends like that.

This award states: This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships!These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to other bloggers who must also choose more bloggers and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

So, I pass the award to another (very talented) blogger. Kristen, my friend and neighbour in highschool, writes This-Sustainable-Life, a blog about health and body and spirit. She's been a friend for years, and her writing has ALWAYS been a talent in her life. She's published in many articles now, and gives new sight to topics some are unaware of. Check it out.

On to me.
It's all about me, afterall! ;) Obviously.

I'm in a funk with my mental image of my body. It's not helping that I have NOT been exercising for a while-- I honestly don't find the time between bedtimes and the moment I CRASH into bed myself. I find that with no exercise, I feel ugly, no matter WHAT I look like. I don't get out for my walks with the girls anymore, which I miss terribly. I don't eat PERFECTLY anymore, but I'd like to say it's not HORRIBLE!! I don't feel 'good' in my clothes. you know that feeling? It's not like the scale says anything different. But it doesn't say anything POSITIVELY different, either. And I have more pounds to lose again- ever since B@@bapalooza, and being told NOT to exercise for 3 weeks, I ended up putting on weight in that time, and haven't been able to work it off.

Excuses excuses. i know. If ANYONE knows how to make excuses about weight, I do. But I'm obsessed with the scale. obsessed with looking a certain way.

I mentioned to Chris about another surgery I have been considering. One that's bothered me for years now, and so I finally am starting to look into it more seriously. Finally yesterday, I called the clinic here in Calgary to get a free consultation, and am working on saving up the money again- which includes getting one extra full-time child to pay for it.

But Chris looked at me, and told me flat out that I don't need it. That he thinks I'm good just the way I am.

OKAY, let's pause on THAT moment for a bit of relish.
yep-- totally different Chris!
mmmmm me likey.

**still pausing with a stupid grin on my face. He thinks I'm good just the way I am..and he was talking about my BODY!... pause. enjoy. savour. **

ANYWAYS, so he told me I don't need the surgery. Which, maybe to him I don't. Maybe the whole "God made me this way" thing is what I need to remember.
But the truth of it is, I'm not happy with it. When I get my 'brand-new, upgraded' version of my body, it won't be like this. I may be the only person who finds it a problem, but it's big enough to me to affect how I feel about myself. It affects me and what I think people are noticing.

I'm obviously not against plastic surgery. I'm against looking too plastic, and making it so my mother couldn't recognize me. I don't need eyes like this, or lips like this. But I have other areas that could look better. And exercise or not, those things don't change with situps or diets.

It's a bad thing of mine. The need to look like something else, and not to be EVER happy with what I look like currently. Be it to look more like friends or celebrities, it motivates me, though, and somehow I don't find that a bad thing. Comparing and not being 'complete' on my own- big thing. Using others as motivation to make me into the best me I can be- good thing.