Now What?

I am struggling with this.

I feel like 'failure Mom'. I don't know what's gone wrong in the process of raising my daughter, or what I should be doing that I'm not. What I've been blind to that everyone else sees, or that LL's been trying to tell me but I didn't listen properly.

I got a phone call yesterday from LL's teacher at school. First time the teacher has ever had to call me at home for a child, and I felt like *I* was the one in trouble. Which I was, technically.

This new school has strict policies on certain things. LL AND I have had to adjust our routines to more fully obey the new 'rules' and expectations. One being daily homework and reading. I mean, I encourage the homework, and in general we accomplish it. But we're not 100% (probably 95%) and every time she misses her homework assignment she gets a 'Homework Link' (aka: a note home that needs to be signed and returned). They're not a good thing to get, and once you get a certain amount, you're sent to the office for some consequences.

LL has received a few. Turns out, a few is all you need. Fair enough. *WE deserve them. Just as much as I'm responsible for being the mother and ensuring her work gets done, she needs to take responsibility for her homework too. They really stress responsibility here. Again, another reason we're happy with this school.

So, the phone call from her teacher was to talk about homework. But it turns out there's a lot of other issues.

LL doesn't know how to PLAY. She is a VERY VERY social child, and always has been. But she's bossy and extroverted. She's abrasive and sarcastic and opinionated. (ha, where's she get that from, hey?!~) She can make friends QUITE easily, but doesn't know how to play nicely in order to maintain friendships. So she's lonely.

The other week she sat down with Chris and I and told us how she hates her school and she's lonely and has no friends and hates the bus and the rules and doesn't feel, what she claimed, "comfortable" there. We talked with her about the issues, and tried to listen and feel empathetic to her. I tried to be responsive and non-judgemental. I tried to build our relationship instead of having her come to me and finding that she feels MORE lonely than she did before the talk. I tried to say what she needed to hear at that moment. And mostly, I just tried to listen without giving advice. (not easy for me)

Chris played 'bad cop' in the trio. He told her, with good intentions, to 'fight back' against people who were mean to her.
I play 'good cop' and try to remind her that she can be nice to people who aren't nice to her.

And in the end, I'm not sure anything was fixed.
So, frustrated and depressed and feeling like a loser-mom, I called my mother. She raised 9 kids-- she's GOT to have some sort of experience in these matters.

It was a great phone call. To get ideas and help, to turn to my mom the way LL turned to hers. I am taking the suggestions she gave me... looking for other 'loner' children to introduce to LL in hopes that the two of them will find the friendship in each other that they are missing on the playground. Mom also suggested I come to *you guys* with the same plea I asked her: what do I do? What do I say?

Well, the teacher's phonecall yesterday only made the situation more clear and pressing. Turns out LL has been 'bullying' another child in her class. Calling her names and such. Also turns out that LL has been teasing another girl who sits on the bus with her. When the principal got involved, she asked LL why she was being mean to the girl on the bus.

LL: because she is mean to me!
Principal: What does that look like?
LL: I don't know. We've just decided we're not going to be friends.
Principal: But, how is she mean to you? And why are you mean to her?
LL: She just says mean things. So I'm going to be mean to her because my Dad told me that I don't have to let people be mean to me!

Grrrrr. Chris and I had a long talk about that one. I didn't like his advice the day he gave it to her, but after yesterday's talk with the teacher, I'm realizing how much I REALLY don't like that advice. He frowned-- it was not his intention in telling her that for her to use it as a retaliation, but more as a defence. He didn't want her to be the one being 'bullied'. *(This whole "bully" word-- never existed when I was young. And I find it somewhat ridiculous in the way they make it worse...)

I then got to get ANOTHER phone call from the principal this time.
LL has bus issues. Homework issues. Social/playground issues. But let's not stop there:

Math Teacher: LL, seems like you've gotten a few homework slips from me lately!
LL: Oh well.
Math Teacher: LL, once you get 4 you have to be sent to the office.
LL: So? There's nothing you can do about it. I've only gotten three.

WHAT THE FENCE! She seriously said that to her teacher!!!!!! Obviously she got sent to the office. THANKFULLY her teachers are all INCREDIBLE. They all want her to achieve the potential they all know she possesses. They all know her sense of humour, they all know her strengths and weaknesses. I am SOOO grateful for teachers and faculty who are patient and willing to work WITH ME in making LL into a model student and a child that sets an example for others in the community. For people who work WITH THE PARENTS in dealing with issues.

We talked about life in our home. How LL behaves around people at home. How she sucks her thumb. EVERYTHING.

Now. We're trying to figure out how to nip this in the bud before it gets to a point of no return.

Homework first. That's up to me. It's one thing I CAN influence.
They moved her on the bus.
And, starting the new year, they'll be enrolling her in a course held by the school with specialist who work with socialization issues in children. She'll learn how to make friends, how to KEEP friends and how to BE a friend.

I just feel so helpless. Like I've failed somehow. And I don't know how or when or what to do now. Advice? Anecdotes? Anything? prefice to say, I know some people's replies will be about 'prayer' and asking God for help. I'm aware of that CONSTANT answer-- it's always there, and I don't forget that. I'm not really looking for that advice right now, as it's already known. I'm kinda searching for more 'tangible' ideas or advice... things I can physically DO or say or try to understand.