Farewell, My friends

I have started and restarted this post a bagillion times. And I've thought about what I would say and how I'd make this work.

Over a year ago, I started this blog. I was going through an excruciating time in life, trying to figure out where Chris' and my relationship was heading. I was sad. I was drained. I was searching. I was conflicted. And I knew that, in some way or another, the year held many more changes..

I have always loved writing. I love getting my thoughts on paper, and as a mom, finding time to type was easier than sitting down with my paper journal. I didn't think many people would read this blog, as I only told family and my closest friends about the URL (blog address).

Before I knew it, I had people searching for me online. People from all over the world who would comment and follow along in my life. Somehow I brought some people hope. Somehow I brought some people laughter. And somehow I brought people insight.

But I wrote for me. I wrote my story according to what I wanted the world to know. The truth, perhaps only shared in pieces. My cathartic confessional.

I go back to my "FOCUS" for the year. MAKE THE CHANGE. Change is good. I was talking with Em today about being unhappy, and how there are so many things that we all do in life that KEEP us unhappy. Things that we can change if we just get up and do it. Things that maybe we're afraid of, but we KNOW we need to do. Things that may continue to hold us down because that's the only place we choose to be. Being held back because of our laziness. Or our fear. Or our anger towards someone else.

I am making the change. I am grabbing the sharper knife.

452 published posts later, I have now got over 150+ readers DAILY. I have some who visit daily, some who visit weekly, and even some who stalk
visit multiple times a day.

I am not a secretive person. I have no enemies of my choosing, and I have no animosity towards anyone. However, my blog is not 'mine' anymore. I have to watch what I write because of people I know who read. There are exes. There is EF. And I don't want to have to do that in my blog. The angst that this blog started with is no longer in my heart.

The blog now isn't only mine...I am not single. I have Will. We are a package now. And, I have perfect peace in life now. I have a beautiful family. And I have hope like no other! I have never known a love so amazing, and, if I could share even just a morsel with everyone, I would. Divorce is a horrible, hurtful, hard road. I have been so blessed in spite of some of my choices. I do NOT wish an affair, or a divorce on ANYONE. But, if you are one of those fateful unlucky, my empathy and heart and prayers go out to you. Keep doing what makes you YOU, and, I hope, you'll find someone who makes you HAPPY in the near future, as I have been so lucky to find myself.

I was seriously contemplating making this blog private, and just continuing the story from here. But I think that it's better to put ALL my heartache from the past behind me and to leave on a good note. Secondly, I want people to continue to stumble on this blog as some have done, and, hopefully somehow, they'll find a post that may help THEM through a divorce/separation/first-time dating.

So, friends, I am closing this blog. This is my last entry as Debbi from Daisyhalos.

I am, however, opening a new one. A blog with the pitfalls and happinesses of raising 4 bonus-children alongside my own. A blog of a second, BETTER, marriage. A blog where I don't feel like I have to hide certain information from strangers, people from my past, and the general public.

My "followers" will be allowed on the new blog with their email addresses, and family members too. So, friends who I don't have as listed followers (and I know there are quite a few), send me an email to debbirn2b@hotmail DOT com, and I'll put you as an allowed reader. *EDIT* I can't get my follower's emails, blogger's being silly. So, sorry guys, but just send me an email saying "hey" and I'll make sure to get you on the safe list.

Until I meet you on the other blog, friends, I bid Adieu.
In honour of my last Daisyhalos Six Word "Wednesday", I write:


And They Lived Happily Ever After.



***FINAL EDIT*** after a bunch of contemplation, I realized that being a private blog annoys the heck out of me. Besides, I'm really not that interesting! ;) So, the new blog can be found at www.ninepeasinthepod.blogspot.com See you there! :)

Doesn't everyone get a blender when they get married?!

It's tricky being a blended family.

It's tricky enough getting married when you're older, because you are already SET in routines and desires and traditions. But, add in some children, a few exes, their families and you have the makings of a new soup for everyone!

Recently, Will and I discussed Christmas traditions. Turns out that MOST of our traditions can be done on BOTH sides. But there's a few 'conflicting' ones, where we'll have to pick to give ours up, keep it, or just make a whole NEW one. For Will and I, traditions can be changed. But when we add children, it's a bit tougher. What's most important to them, and what can change? Santa Claus does different things at different households.. so, what does he do HERE?

We are also figuring out weekends. When does Will's ex have the older kids, when do we? Seeing as how Em lives with us but the others don't, there's more travelling now. Having one ex requires work for scheduling and holidays, but we also have MY ex, Chris. So double the work. When does he have the younger ones? And, if he moves, what happens then? And the travelling ... oh the travelling.

Will's kids eat differently than mine do. Not a LOT differently, but snacks and grazing foods for sure. So, grocery shopping changes. Menu planning revolves slightly around which children are home and when. Dislikes and favourites and habits.

What rules did I have in my home that Will doesn't share?
Given, a lot of these things you find out through dating-- and a lot of them, we did! But, because we didn't LIVE together beforehand, there are some things that you can't know until then.

It's tricky, too, as Will's kids are older than mine so rules are different for some than others. Thankfully Grace and LL are only a year apart, so it bridges the "olders" from the "youngers" much better.

Decorating a home. Planning family vacations. Routines for homework. Songs at family prayer-- there are many things we're learning from each other, and many more to come, I know it.

I look forward to each morning that Will and I grow our OWN family tree. Our OWN fruits, our own traditions.

Although we're two separate families becoming one,.. we are definitely nine great peas in this pod!

(We shelled peas for Gramma, and Will found this one! How appropriate, hey?)

It's Small-Town Living at it's best and 6/52 (a bit late)

I missed last week's Find Mom Friday-- but you all know my excuses. So, here's a buttload of pictures to satiate at least a FEW weeks' worth of Mom-photos! :) Although, I'll play fair and only count these as last week's entry.

Will is having a fun time taking me to all the 'hot spots' around our little podunk town. Although I may grumble about some of the aspects of living in a Southern Alberta, LDS-centred, what-the-freak-are-all-these-minivans-doing-here town, there are some DEFINITE sweet selling points to my new hometown, too.

At the start of the 'tour', Will has taken us to the parades and celebrations. Everyone's there. Everyone's PART of the parade. Candy is thrown by the truckloads!

(Mimi and Bear, filling his pant pockets with as much candy as he can gather)

Children nearly get run-over by mini-motorized cars, and everyone laughs at her cuteness and thinks it's normal. ( If you can't tell in this picture, yes, Mimi nearly DIED, but you know, she's a girl after my own heart-- there was some GOOD CANDY on that there road!!)

And, although my heart may TOTALLY jump out of my throat when I see THIS, (this HUGE truck is barreling down the parade route, with kids TOTALLY hanging out the side-- they could fall to their DEATH, but no one seems worried!) it's a town where I can accidentally leave my daughter's hat on the bench we're sitting at, and come back hours later after a thousand people have walked past to find it sitting nicely on the back of the bench, waiting for it's rightful owner to reclaim it. TRUE STORY.

Will has taken us to the creek. Where it's perfectly normal for everyone to strip down to their skivvies and swim. MY KIDS LOVED IT!!

Will has taught Mimi how to swim. Well. Kinda.

Will has taught Bear how to "run like a man" through the safe, SUPER wide streets.

Will has shown me how fun it can be to catch snakes in the bush and freak the heck out of the kids! LOLWill and I have enjoyed ripboarding down the paths.
But mostly, Will has introduced me to many great people. People who befriend me at church, who sit beside me, who introduce me to other great people, and who seem genuinely interested in making us feel welcomed.

All in all, my new hometown is bound to bring lots of great experiences. That's the best part about country, small-town living. Everyone knows everyone, everyone helps everyone, and the best of dirt and mud and memory-making moments reside there.

Directions to my new house

I am learning a lot about the new place I live. Southern Alberta is quite a Mormon area. And it's pretty much guaranteed that there will be a daily conversation on lineage. (who are you related to? Where are you from? What's your maiden name? Do you know Joe?) Southern Albertans don't realize how odd it is to label people in such a way, and, to someone like me, (an outsider coming IN), it's intimidating and scary and strange. Really, WHO CARES what my Gramma's first brother's cousin's step-mother's name is?! And no, I'm not related to the same John Smith family as the ones who live on the corner in the blue house.

Sadder yet? I went to church in our new ward again this Sunday.
Introduced myself as Debbi "McSpanky", because I knew that introducing myself as Debbi Barber would prove useless as I'll be changing that last name in a few weeks. The next question, "what's your maiden name"...
And then later- "Who are you related to? Are you from Southern Alberta?"
And then, the inevitable, "Whose house did you move into?"


Where's the sad part, you ask? Well, I answered all of those questions (for the bagillionth time) as a Southern Albertan. Yes. I fell into the trap. ...I moved into "Jack Dawson's old home". The yellow one on the corner with the playground in the back.

Yes.

I gave that answer.

And everyone knew what house I was talking about.

If you're not from around Southern Alberta, and you wanna come visit me and Will, we'd love visitors. You may sleep on a foamie in the basement until the old house sells and we bring out beds over, but we'd still love to see ya. I may even bake cookies. Just don't ask me which house number it is. I couldn't tell ya. But we live right beside Norma Jean and right behind Gertrude and Thomas. You'll find us. Ask at the post office. They'll likely give you our mail to take to us too. But don't ask about Mrs. Johnson's health, or you'll hear all about her latest boil issue.

True story.

Suddenly, I'm Craving French Loafs of Bread

So, this weekend was so much fun!

Will and I headed out on Saturday morning, and decided to just have a fun "date-day", no kids, no schedules, no plans. Thankfully, he brought his Rollerblades, and so we drove downtown to blade through Prince's Island Park. It was funny, Will hadn't been on his Rollerblades in YEARS, so it was hilarious to watch him nearly biff it once. I'm sure the passing cars enjoyed the visual too. We had a lot of fun, although our feet were sore by the time we decided to go back to the car! Totally, the best part of the day!

Then we drove up to Peter's, shared a milkshake, onion rings and burger. And HOLY CRAP I love Peter's. Forget the exercise, I think PETER'S was the best part of the day! ;)

We headed back to the Stampede grounds, and after finding parking (not the easiest to do on the last Saturday of the Stampede), we got into the gates. Walked around a bit, taking in the million smells and sights. We went on this one ride, The Skyscraper, where they strap you in nice and tight and then spin you around a massive circle at 4Gs! Will and I were screaming and laughing our heads off, and, suspended 160 ft in the air was exhilarating!!
It topped ANY ride I had ever gone on with ANYONE, and was DEFINITELY the highlight of the day, as everywhere we went you could see that ride and we'd just laugh and remember how fun it was.

My favourite part of the Stampede is the agricultural buildings with the goats and animals, so we headed into the buildings to check out the huge horses and uh...cows and sheep.

And, of course, to defile the livestock!

At one point, we left the buildings, and ended up slightly outside the grandstand where the chuckwagon races are held. We found some bleachers there, and decided that since we were both tired and fighting off a bit of a headache, we would sit there for a bit.

I sat on the bench in front of him, leaning up against his knees. Although it was getting later in the day, and slightly cold, when Will asked if I wanted to go get his coat from the car, I declined. It was too nice to sit and I didnt' want to walk all the way back to the car. We were playing with our little mood rings, and he had mine and I had his. It was awesome, we got to see some horse-pull teams come RIGHT in front of us to 'warm up', and just chilled on that bench for a while. I was holding Will's hands, on his lap, which was kinda behind my back, when I gave Will back his ring. He put mine back on my finger, and we sat there for a while just holding hands. He must have been getting cold, though, as he was starting to shake when he pulled out his camera, and we took this HORRIBLE photo.

Then, he let go of my hand, and I saw his hand.

There were two mood rings on his hand: his.. and... MINE?!!!!!

That's when it clicked in!
I looked at my hand.

He was already on his knees behind me, and said "I've talked with your Dad, and he thinks it'd be a good idea if you said you'd marry me. All you have to do is say when and say YES!"

Of course, I said "It's about Freaking Time!" And then. after saying yes, we kissed and I fought back tears. We talked about how he had tried to talk to my dad a FEW times, we talked about when, we talked about how his kids helped him pick the beautiful ring and gave him suggestions on "how" to propose in a fun way.

We're ENGAGED!!!!!!! I am sooooo freaking excited!!!!!!!

It was soooo fun telling our kids. His daughters were so excited, Em especially. When we told MY kids, LL was screaming and soooo excited!

My brother and sister are both getting married at the end of Summer, within a week of each other. And seeing as all my siblings will be there, we figure it's easiest to just plan our wedding around that time, when everyone can make it already.

So, although we're not decided on a DATE yet, we have two dates in mind. I'll keep you updated! For now, I'm gonna have to admit that getting engaged was DEFINITELY the best part of the day! And, of the year.

Engaged on July 11th. Oh Thank Heaven, for Seven Eleven! ;)

Finding Answers

Yesterday Will and I spent a day in medication 'meditation' (well, 'round these parts, as much meditation as can be had with 9 children running around-- but as we read: Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. ~Victor Hugo, Les Misérables, 1862: . Yesterday was a day of prayer and fasting. For me, it was a day to find answers and peace and assurance that the pathways I'm on right now are leading me in the right direction.

For those of you non-LDS (not mormon people), fasting in my faith is believed to be VERY powerful. It is a strong plea and sacrifice to God for answers/peace/health. Usually, fasting is taking NOTHING by mouth VL (water or food) for a 24-hour period, beginning and ending with a prayer and a purpose. I have fasted for various things, and not once have my prayers been unheard or unanswered. Usually, I've been blessed enough that the answers are also expediently given. I have seen miracles happen. Fasting works.

Interestingly enough, yesterday was the hardest fast I can ever remember having. The temptation to break the fast early only confirmed in my heart that the things I was asking for were righteous and likely NOT what the adversary wanted me to get answers to.

I think there were some answers given in the middle of the day. Some before bed. Some are yet to come.

Now, I just wait with faith.
I feel lucky to have such a powerful resource at my fingertips.

Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things. ~Samuel M. Shoemaker

Looking Back

So, I'm part of a group called 20 Something Bloggers, and they have a contest on right now. You can read all about it here. It explains it all there, but in short, this post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers! And come on, guys, it's ICE CREAM!! I'm a sucker for something yummy! (VL)

In order to participate, I just pick a post from my first 2 months in blog-land that shows where I was mentally and, like, deep inside my head. So, here it is.... It's funny how much has changed since then. How much we know now.

Let's go back to May 24th, 2008. (since I technically started blogging in April 2008)

****

"My Last Secret"

My kids know now, so the 'cat's out of the bag,' so to speak. Now, it's time to let you know what's been going on in my life to the extent of what my children know.

Tonight, we told my three kids that Chris will be leaving June 1st. He's going to go live somewhere else for at least the month of June, possibly returning in July, possibly not returning at all. This decision has been in the works for about 4 months now. It's hard to fully explain everything to everyone, as some details are more meant for family and some are just meant for Chris and I. But some things need to be said.

Chris and I love each other. If you saw the X-Weighted TV show, you'll see that there are issues with Chris' desire to be married. It's not about being married to me specifically, but about being part of a family. And we both know that no marriage will survive if both parties aren't FULLY committed to working on it. We have done so much growth in these past 4 months, more than can be shared. We have learned how to communicate in a whole other language. We have learned what we each NEED versus WANT in a marriage, and neither of us believe that the other should have to lose their needs just to stay married.

Because I love him so deeply like I do, I know this is essential to his growth. There's no other option. And our marriage counsellors and clergy are behind us, working with us and guiding us in proper directions. We aren't fighting or angry. We are doing this for the betterment of our marriage, the betterment of ourselves and in time, the betterment of our children. They deserve to be part of a family where love, respect and commitment are strong and obvious. If I can't find that in this marriage, with God's plan, I hope to find it elsewhere. They deserve that. As do I.

Ask questions. It's okay to be confused and sad and even angry... It's the same thing we told our children. The next few days are going to be tough-- prayers tonight invoked tears from both LL and Bear for their father's choice. They asked me lots of questions, and I believe LL cried herself to sleep. Bear is still awake, and asked me to sleep in bed with him. Obviously, they're going to be dealing with the aftermath of their father's choices for a long time. I just hope that the positive in the long run outweighs the negative we feel now.


***
Wow. Back then, I hadn't yet spoke of Chris' affair. No one knew who EF was.
I hadn't yet spoke of why he wasn't returning.
I hadn't met anyone that I thought I could love more, or who could love me.


I am so glad I'm not there anymore.

FIFTY-TWO "FIND MOM" FRIDAYS!!

Last night we went to the Block Party for the soccer camp that the Baptist church puts on every year. I've put my kids in it for 3 years, and it's a SUPER program! They just rock. I'm so annoyed, however, as this year they're only doing it for the little kids, and the program they're running for the bigger kids is during a week I'm out with Sin and Will's family, camping.

But, that soccer camp is where I met EF years ago. And I'm always afraid of running into her again at these block parties and such. Is it kind of wrong for me to be relieved that she's likely seen the FOR SALE sign on my lawn and now she knows I'm going to be gone?! Half of me expects her to phone me to ask where I'm moving to or something once she sees the SOLD sign. I find that lately I am much more paranoid about running into her unexpectedly. Or, worse, that she calls me or something with the excuse that she has money she wants to get to me (which, yes, she DOES owe me money, but I'm SOOOO letting it go- not worth the phone call.)

There's certain times I find myself more prone to thinking about her- and the soccer camp is one of them. And although I didn't put my kids into the community soccer this year, her daughter and LL were on the same team one year, so when I drive past the teams playing, I can't help but wonder if they're there.

Are her and Steve still together? Last I knew, he was living in the basement. Was that her car? Does her daughter still get on the bus at the end of my street? Do they still live in the house I designed? Is she still using that horrible, semi-abusive dayhome? Is she sleeping with THAT dayhome-mom's husband?! (oops, was that my outside voice?!)

It's an obsession at times. An annoying obsession I'd like to be DONE with. It's not all the time, either, and it goes away. But right now, I find it creeping back in. And I don't like her in my thoughts, as I don't find it productive in any way. I'd like to say it doesn't happen, but I think it'll be many years before time passes and I'll realize I didn't think about her even ONCE. This, in my opinion, is expected and normal. And it's rarer and rarer lately. Which just reaffirms: It will be nice to move away.

On other notes:

I'm joining a year long challenge, created by Carin at Forever In Blue Jeans. The goal is to be in one picture a week, for 52 weeks. Since us moms are always behind the camera, this gives us a chance to get out in front and be in the pictures with our family. So, click on the button if you want to join in on the fun!

So, here's Week One of 52, me and Mimi and Bear at the soccer camp/block party last night. I think it was a bit sunny! ;)

The End and The Beginning

SCHOOL'S OUT. FOR. SUMMER!

Remember this?: (first day of school this year)

Now we have this:
Think they're a bit excited about summer vacation!? This may be the last day they get to wear these uniforms, though, assuming we move before school starts next year. :(

And so now my blogging may decrease even more. I'm hoping to find some time to blog, as the house is filled with dayhome school-aged kids who entertain the regular little ones. And we will be outside, avoiding further damage to the house I am trying to sell. We had *two* showings yesterday, so at least people are coming in! PRAY HARDER, PEOPLE-- I need out of this place.

People keep telling me it took 50 or 100 showings before they sold their homes. Or how they lost money. Or how it was 6 months before they got an offer! BUT, the good thing is that my realtor talked with one of the realtors who brought someone through yesterday, and the feedback was really positive in regards to price and how the house shows. So, I was happy to hear that. I realize we're only on the first week of being listed, but holy moly, I'm soooo done with selling.

I feel totally in limbo until this place is sold. It's hard to feel like I can't plan school, or housing, or vacations or work or whatever-- I don't know where I'll be when. Standing still in a horrible dormant feeling is driving me to bite nails and break out. I just want routine. Stability. And direction. It's how I work best-- it's when I feel in control of my life.

So, let's hurry and get a move on (literally) so I can Make The Changes I need to make.

Free Willy

WILL IS DIVORCED!!!!

As of 1:30 p.m. today, the judge should be signing the papers and it's finished.


I'm not quite sure how that works, seeing as the USA does it different than Canada.

Washington (where the divorce is getting granted) state has a no-fault clause, so the divorce is a simple "apply, wait 90 days, be done" kinda thing... At least, that's what we gathered from reading the forms and websites the other day. He doesn't have to go to the courthouse, so, this is all assuming that his ex (who filed the papers) didn't accidentally miss something in the forms (not likely, she's also done this before) and that she shows up at the judgement. Again, not sure what happens if she doesn't... but whatever. We'll worry about that if we come to it (cuz I think having more to worry about will be FUN!).

But, as far as we know,
Today is the day. He and his kids might be heading here tonight for a celebration of sorts. ;) Or, you know, a cuddle and a movie on my couch. Potatoe potahtoe. I'll be sure to try to post a few pictures.

And you know that 'gramma' thing? Yah. That was only to be good while he was married! He'd better take the evening off... if you knowwhatImean! ;)

Sucky

yep yep.

Yesterday rocked. And by rocked, I mean sucked rocks. And by sucked rocks, I mean, please let me just sleep a looong looong time and make it all disappear. I contemplated taking a sleeping pill last night left over from when I heard about Chris and EF, but I ran out of those... I fell asleep before I was able to get it swallowed .. I'm too smart for that.

It was nice having a 4 minute visit with my parents and my future SIL, Nellie. Mamma bringed me some lilacs from her house, which was AWESOME... although, my Ikebana skills were NOT up to par. And by not up to par, I mean ROYAL SUCKAGE. Are we finding a trend here?! To think I spent a year in Japan taking Flower Arranging courses. You wouldn't know it after such a slaughtered bunch of flowers appeared on my kitchen table. Hey. Just be blind. Then you'll smell the gloriousness of them without having to view the massacre. Deal with it.

Yep. Then the day realllllly began. The dayhome child was cranky. And by cranky, I mean her Dad was home with a severe flu and it's likely she's coming down with it too. Oh, and she hasn't pooped for 3 days. Constipated children are a joy! I absolutely LOVE whining at a monotone. ALL. FREAKING. DAY. Moreso, I'm excited for today's reaction to the prunes, raisins, juice and fibre her mother and I are forcing down her throat. That's gonna make it a GREAT day.

But bestest of all.
I got to talk with a few Realtors. I got to talk with a bank Account Manager. I got to talk with Chris about the equity in the home.

Here's my dilemma.
One, Chris has a chunk of money of equity in this home. The number is based on what the house COULD have sold at when he moved out last year.. Uh, we've all seen the great and wonderful housing market lately, have we not? And by great and wonderful, I mean TOTALLY sucky. And by housing market, I mean, not even cardboard boxes are selling!
With this, and him not having a job, he has NO money. Which means he has to move in with his parents. 6 hours+ away. Which means my kids won't see their Dad more than once every few months. Which goes against what he and I wanted for our kids. All that 'make them feel secure with this'... down the drain.

So, I have to give him his equity in order to have him stay around. And by giving him his equity-- yah, suckity suck suck, I have to sell my house.
Besides, he isn't paying child support anymore, so I can't afford to KEEP my house. But once he gets his equity, he pays child support again, and I can pay my mortgage. Only-- yah. Are you following--- I had to sell in order for him to pay me for that mortgage. Catch 22 on that one or WHAT?!

Sooooo, instead, *I* move. I sell my home that I love. From the area I love. From the ward, and the community, and the school, and the security that I love. I move 2 hours away (where there is CHEAP houses. And by cheap, I mean that in ALL ways...) to keep the kids nearer to their father than the 6 hours it may be otherwise.

THANKFULLY, we're looking for the shotgun silver lining around here. Chris could get a job today. I could win the lottery I didn't buy a ticket for. And unicorns could fly out my butt.

• I will be closer to family. My sister is VERY excited about being 'neighbours' again. We used to live 5 minutes away from each other, and our kids loved that. We did too-- constant sitters, shopping buddies, instant "I'm out of blank, do you have" availabilities... really, what else could you need than a sister who lives close to you!? I'll be closer to my parents too.
• I always wanted my kids to live near a temple. Although Calgary is getting a temple in the future, it will be far away from us now, and it will not be seen on a daily basis.
  
• I will be free and clear of owing Chris money. We will be "done" even more. At that point, there is no more connection than the kids.
• I will OWN my own house. Houses down south are cheap in price, and most of them need some serious demolishing fixing up. But I'm dating a handy guy. And I'm not ALL snobby. I GUESS I can settle for laminate counter tops again, although *shudder* I will REALLLLLLLY miss my granite and my $15 Mocha Latte chapstick. And how is Fifi going to get her pup-icure every afternoon while I take my tennis lesson at the club?
• This is all part of my yearly "motto" to "Make The Change". Security is soo overrated.
  
• Wind isn't that bad, right? It's horrific FUN to have snow up to your armpits in May. And who doesn't love living in a town where everyone knows your business before even YOU do, everyone is related to a Beazer or a Leavitt, and no one knows their actual address.."I bought the Clarke's gramma's brother's cousin-in-law's house." "When you get to the store on the corner, go up a block (or TWENTY!) and I'm that house with the rusty...delapitated..green truck and the flowers in the front." And you guys think I'm joking. I'M SO NOT!
  
• I will be closer to Will. You know. As a side bonus! ;) In case. You know. He needs nookie sugar. *he he he From a gramma! :(
  

six word saturday- Anniversary

One Year (Tomorrow) I've Lived Alone.

(for more Six Word Saturday, visit the link of Cate's on my sidebar)


I love looking back on this past year of living on my own since Chris left. SOOO many lessons and changes, feelings, experiences and friendships along the way. Just reading past entries from that time in my life, and I can't help but shake my head at where I was and where I've come to since then. It was a HUGE change in my life, and I'm SO grateful for it in so many ways. It was tough, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I've been so blessed. I can't wait for more milestones and moments in this coming year.

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
~Ben Stein

I find it interesting that I had those two dreams the other night, before being faced with a few choices the next day (or two) later.

Right now, I feel like there's two distinct choices in my path. I guess, technically, there's more than two, but I don't really like to entertain any of the others. Two choices I can live happily with. Two choices that get me to my goal in the long run.

How do you pick between two choices where neither of them are exactly what you wanted? They're both GOOD choices, not being better than the other. If both choices get you to the end result, but in a different path altogether and seemingly not too different of a time-period, but both have aspects that don't appeal to you, what do you choose?

And, when other things (like Chris losing his job) happen in the background, is Someone trying to show me a path I don't recognize? Is it coincidental that I've had the same Sunday School class THREE times (which, NEVER happens) in the past month? What is the message Someone is trying to get through to me? Or, how I don't EVER remember my dreams, and then I'm given these two dreams on one night RIGHT before a few things change my perception of 'future'?

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time, right? So, I'm taking things one step at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. I would believe the easy answer is to ask God in prayer and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost. But in all honesty, I believe that this HAS been asked. And that I've gotten to the point where Heavenly Father wants me to use my agency. To make a decision based on what others know, on what my Bishop councils and on what will eventually make me happiest in the end. I believe that neither choice will disappoint Him.

I will be getting a blessing. Some things shouldn't be left to my determinations.

NOT Not Me Monday

I do NOT want to confuse people today, so I am NOT going to do Not Me Monday today. ;)

So, I get it, guys. So many of you are hilarious-- Um, blogging is NOT an obligation. But I'm flattered so many of you feel the need to tell me you miss me in emails or whatever! I can't help it, I was BUSY! Thanks for missing me.

Will is back home and I am back to 'real life' now. He's busy working hard for the month, so I may not see him much anyways. Until June. >:( I thought, after spending so much time together for the first time in our relationship that we'd be sooooo tired of spending time together by the end of it all. But having him around so much was great, and I already miss him! And I mean, let's be honest, we're only one day into 'alone', and my 'honey-do' list is expanding! ha.

We had an eventful (non-eventful) weekend. Our first bigger 'fight'. Since both of us are coming from previous relationships, there's always a bit of 'residual habits' based on how we were in our marriages. He fought often with his ex, and Chris and I never fought. Growing up, he saw his parents fight a certain way, where I NEVER saw my parents fight at all. He says he didn't learn how to fight properly, and technically (on the FAR side of the spectrum) I didn't either. These types of things have an impact on how you fight in the NEXT relationship, and we do NOT fight the same way. But we're learning.

Fighting in a relationship (work, marriage, sibling... ANYTHING) takes a level of maturity to do it right. And don't all raise your eyebrows at me-- fighting is a SKILL! It takes WORK to fight. Bigger yet, it takes work to make up. It takes humility to apologize, to take ownership of your part in the misunderstanding. It includes NOT reacting. It includes NOT getting attacking and defending mixed up.

I'm not the Dean of Mean, or the Princess of Pugnacity, but I tend to think I do not too poorly in explaining my opinion during an argument without being infantile. Of course, in this instance, I was more at fault for one of our arguments, where he was more at fault for a different one.

Most people fight because of a lack of communication. And most people get defensive FIRST, since it's human nature to fight back. Keeping that in mind when I fight is a good way for me to not be who I'm GOING to be, but to be whom I WANT to be, and to DENY the "natural man" in us all.

Fighting in a relationship is inevitable. HOW you fight is up to you. Even if they don't fight like you do, you don't have to fight like they do!

And the best part of fighting, of course, is the making up! :)

Six Word Saturday

(For more Six Word Saturday, visit Cate at Show My Face and join in the fun!)

To Quote Scripture, "It Is Finished."




Yes, I'm using the Easter theme here, to let you all know that yesterday, my mailbox held the letter from the judge's office. Chris and I are officially divorced. (Barring the 31 days for Chris to contest the judgment) *and I bolded it, just in case you weren't paying attention!

I must admit, I feel good. I don't really feel sad. I mean, what's to be sad about when another chapter begins? I sometimes have to repeat in my head, "I'm divorced!" or "I'm single" or something like that... it's like it doesn't seem completely real! Not in a bad/shock way, but in a ..."wow, that day came!" way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and those who have been there, but whatever. I think it hasn't fully 'hit me' yet. But for now, I am happy.

Interestingly enough, I also finished my current paper journal today. Ending a journal that is chalk-full of heartache and affair after-math on the day I get divorced from Chris seems fittingly perfect. Putting an end to all of that, and leaving every peice of that part of my life between the bindings of that book could not be more appropriately timed.

Funny still, I got the letter on my way to my (now ex) in-law's house in BC. Chris and I drove the kids out to his parents' place to spend the holiday weekend together. Divorced. lol. I know we confuse people. In the car on the way here, we talked a lot about our own marriage, what went wrong, and what we've learned. It was a great talk, as we were able to indicate the changes we're making in our current relationships to avoid similar pitfalls later on. I am lucky to have all the 'good' parts of Chris still at my disposal, (the good father, someone who cares for me, good communication,) all the while, leaving the rest behind me.

He did mention that our new relationship with each other is like having a Gayfriend. You know, that friend with whom you can discuss anything with and they'll tell you how wrong you are or when you're being a b!tch, and they can get away with it because you trust their judgment and you know they are only doing it to show they love you? And the friend of the opposite sex with whom there is NO physical relationship with? That friend. Yah, the gayfriend. So, in spite of it being a HORRIBLE thought, Chris is like my Gayfriend. LOL. Now, THAT would make good TV drama, X-Weighted people! :) And, sadly, it wouldn't be the first Ex of mine to go gay after being in a relationship with me.... but let's not go there, okay!?

Grateful for the Easter season. The atonement, the newness of spring--
Both are things that I am finding are a HUGE impact in my life today and recently.

Newness.
There is no better word for me today.

Releasing The Unneeded

I made it! Whew. Last day of spring break, last day of a LOT of kids. I'll be grateful for this week when, come April, I'm down two permanent children. So, no complaining, right?

What is great, was yesterday.

I got a phone call from the judge's secretary again, inquiring as to Chris' Parenting After Separation course completion. He takes the course tomorrow, so I informed her that once it was done and the certificate was in hand, I'd get it to her. She said we're also missing one insignificantly pathetic affidavit stating that we're also separated (not just the infidelity clause). So, I will get that done this weekend. Easy peasy. I then asked what happened after that.

She informed me that, it may take about 3 days to process it all, and then she sends it 'upstairs'. I asked what happened after that- like, how many weeks are we looking at? 6? 8? She laughed, and said, "No. Once I process it, which takes about three days, and send it to get signed, it gets signed. Like- Instantly. So, if you take two weeks to get those forms to me, you're looking at two weeks and three days." Wow. Good to hear.

I've been getting my past life out of my current life slowly, a little more each day. I had to 'release' a friendship with a friend of 13 years, but thankfully, they felt as I did. We'll be friends from more of a distance, but it's obvious things are not going to be the same.

Then, I apologized to two people I had wronged. As 'goody two shoes' as it sounds, I admit it was a completely selfish thing-- *I* felt better having done it. One accepted my apology right back, one definitely did NOT. I feel no weight of that anymore. And am happy to have done what I could to rectify the wrongdoing. It's amazing how much weight feels lifted by a small issue. So many things are 'wrong' in our lives, yet we have all the power to change it. I start today rested and ready, and I like that.

If You Fail to Plan

You know how sometimes you make plans?
You know how sometimes that plan is perfect?
You know how easy it is to build off that plan?
You know how, when you've got it all 'planned out', things change?
And how sometimes the new plan is better than what you planned?
And most of all, you know how awesome it is to have people there to help you in your new plan?

This is my life. In the past year I planned so many things. My plans were perfect and I knew I had them all figured out. I had some super, amazing, best friends who were there to help me in my inevitable new plan. I would not have made it through the past year without them, and without my family. Last year's change of plans threw me for a temporary spin. I forgot that I'm not the one with The Plan. And I have seen so many amazing and wonderful things come about as a result of those plans changing without my influence. As a result of trying not to steer my own ship. Every time I tried to take the reins back from the rider, I got a pretty good slap in the butt and knew I had to change direction.

I can't wait for the next year. Seriously. A lot can happen in a year-- I would know. I could treat the next year (March 26th to March 26th) as a daunting, scary time period. Based on some of the tough times last year, I could fret over what events and lessons I will be learning in the course of the year's experiences.

Can every day be New Year's? Because, today I feel like it's a new year of wonderful possiblities. Although my plans are pretty incredible, I hope that what I plan today is not as good as what is planned already for me. :)

A, B, C, D, E, ...G, H, I

Talking on the phone to Will. The other line beeps in. I recognize the number.

*Commence heart racing.*

D: Oh Crap. Hey, can I call you back? It's EF.
Will: yah, okay.

*click*
D: Hello?
EF: Hey!
D: uh, how are you?
EF: Good. You?
D: well, I called the other day because I wanted to apologize for you feeling uncomfortable the other day.
EF: *laughs* well, YOU didn't do anything.
D: technically, no, but I am sorry that it didn't work out the way it should have. I knew he was going to talk to you, but I had kinda thought that you'd be the one to decide if that happened or not. I'm sorry that wasn't your choice, and you felt upsetted by it.
EF: Thanks. No, I wouldn't have ever called him.
D: well, that was your choice. I'm sorry you didn't get to make it.
...
...
..
But, the other thing *commence shaking and rambling* is that, ... well... I don't know what you know. Well, seeing as I haven't talked to you since I saw you last, I know you DON'T know. But the papers are in, and Chris and I are divorcing in a few weeks. He's out of the house now Pretty much after you left (on vacation)-- nearly, RIGHT after.
EF: WHAT? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know, no, but last time I was here, I thought you two were trying to work it through.
D: well, that's just it. The last time you were here, I pretty much realized that I couldn't have him around. Having him around was a constant reminder of pain. I love him, and it's not because he did anything wrong, but... I need to move on and having him here doesn't let that happen. *Big breath. Commence silent tears and more shaking, voice faltering. * Which is why I need you out too. I mean, I love you, and... I just... I'm shaking like crazy... I just... but seeing you reminded me of that pain.
EF: just seeing my face?
D: no. Having the kids back in the home... just... everything. I reread my journal from that time, too, and realized that I was in the same place emotionally then as I was now. I mean, I had gone through so much, and grown in lots of ways, but that I was still no further ahead. And that wasn't okay with me. I realized that, although I honestly do forgive you, and love you, *commence out loud crying now, sniffing, voice still shaking and cracking* and will miss you like crazy, I realize you're a part of my life I need out. Like Chris, you are a reminder of that pain.
EF: it's okay, hun. It's probably better for both of us in order to progress in our lives.
D: yah. I enjoyed our friendship a lot, but kinda know, and... I'm trying to be nice and not offensive because I don't want that... but that our friendship wasn't what I thought it was anyways.
EF: I know. It is now, though.
D: I know. When you called to tell me he called, I really appreciated that, and knew that our friendship was different. Which is why I don't think I was able to tell you then, when I should have.
...
...
*tears*
I'm so sorry. I've never told anyone to get out of my life, and I love you and this is really upsetting me. I'm sorry I couldn't be that friend you need.

EF: No, I understand. Hey, don't worry, hun. It wasn't your fault. ...

But I will wave at you, or say hello, if we happen to pass each other on the street or something.

*silence*

D: I can be friendly. There's no reason not to be. But I don't want you to phone me, or try to set up dates with the kids or anything.
EF: Okay. I love you too. And, don't worry. You can always change your mind later. Who knows.

*Crying*
D: I gotta go. I'm sorry. I love you.

*Click*


The shaking has still not stopped.

"In Pieces" to "In Peace"

I had a pretty eventful couple of days. Days where I really did a lot of thinking and feeling. Days spent in tears and laughter. Days of some serious conversations.

There's so much to say, and yet no way to say it. No way to talk about everything that I've felt and thought and said. Sometimes sharing it is throwing pearls at swine anyways.

Suffice it to say, I am very much loving the direction my life has turned.

I'm definitely 'done' with Chris. We talked about his recent involvement with other women, and there wasn't a single bad feeling from me. I didn't feel jealous. Or threatened. Or sad. Or. AnYthINg! It was really a good feeling, knowing that I have put away any of that 'old' pain, and I was able to talk with him as his friend. As the mother of his children, and as someone who loves him, but as someone who wasn't IN LOVE with him anymore. I wanted nothing more than to hear that he was finding peace and happiness. That's something I would give him if I could.

It's amazing how God has healed me when I've made the right choices. I remember when Chris left in June, and how I expected to be just a complete basket case. But, with a power from beyond, I was supported and comforted and had peace. Peace that I didn't possibly deserve, and comfort beyond what comfort I would have ever even had the audacity to ask for.

Peace.
It's a word I really, truly, 100% understand so much more in the course of the past year than I ever had before. We know we use the word often, but to actually FEEL peace-- that's something seldom described and likely indescribable.

In this peace, I've also watched God's hands in other ways in my life. Bringing me back to my true self. My bottom roots. Deep down, who I am and who I've always WANTED to be. Going back to goals that I gave up years ago. I went to talk with my Bishop, and in spite of the things I need to fix, I feel peace knowing what lies ahead.

It's gonna be a long road back to that path. A spiritual journey that won't be all daisies and petunias, but there are always beautiful roses among the thorns and rainbows at the end of the thunderstorm. I really want my 'new life' to start now, and to be rid of the pain and issues from my past. But, where's the rush? I'll get there. This is the time to actually DO it. To BE it. To GET and ACHIEVE it.

No matter what your spiritual belief is, finding spirituality and having faith in it is something that never fails to help us grow. I love growth, and Making the Change is exactly what I'm doing now. I'm changing my path. Changing my life. Changing my views. And changing the person I used to be into a person I want to be. It's overwhelming and fulfilling at the same time.

At risk of sounding stupid, I'm excited.

Needing to Nourish

Not many people knew it, but when I posted yesterday's post, it was already determined what I was going to do.

A few days ago, I spoke with Chris on the phone (yah, lame, I agree.. but he was out of town) about everything, and, amidst many tears, told him I needed him to go.

And, I'm happy. I'm not sad, actually. And not in a callous manner-- it's just, Chris has made this decision much easier on me than I anticipated. He knows I need this. He said he could kinda see it coming- in that, he didn't know WHAT I needed, but he knew I needed to change something.

He's totally understanding. Doesn't mean he'll still be around in a month or two or seven... who knows how long it'll take, or if he'll wait for that. If he's not here when I'm done 'finding myself', that's fine too-- we need to find that out. And maybe I won't be 'here' then either. But he understands where I'm at, what I feel, and he wants me to be happy. I was relieved to see his reaction- genuine and loving, honest, and supportive. It's moments like that that make me wonder what the freak is wrong with me to not be totally happy with him. But the fear just doesn't work. Along with other things, that's one of them. But not all. There's a lot of things in there.

He will move out his stuff within the month- there's no 'rush', and he's also out of town for about 3 weeks for business. We'll go back to every other weekends. We'll go back to 'dating'.

We'll. Go. Back.

I feel counter-productive in going, what is perceived as, back. But I need to be there for now. I need to NOT be in a relationship. I need to just be alone. Just me.

On other unrelated notes, the vegan lifestyle has been challenging. In a good way-- I'm really really really conscious of what I put in my body. It takes a lot of planning to eat more healthy, and to make sure that I'm keeping my nutrient levels at their optimal heights. Last night, as we were preparing dinner, I was mentioning to LL and Chris about how we need to view food differently. Now, food is a fuel. (I know, I know, we've all heard that a million times, but this time I'm LIVING it) Food is occasionally used for celebration or comfort, but in general, we're sticking to 'nourishment' in this household.

Maybe I should change my "motto" for the year. I mean, I WON'T, but maybe I should add a word.

Nourish.

nour⋅ish –verb (used with object)

1.	to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth.

2.	to cherish, foster, keep alive, etc.: "He had long nourished the dream of living abroad."

3.	to strengthen, build up, or promote: to nourish discontent among the workers; to nourish the arts in one's community.

Insert ANY of those highlighted/coloured words into the blanks. Where I would normally put 'nourish': I need to _____ the body. I need to _____ my spirit. I need to ______ my children in their growth and love. I need to ______ my relationships. And I need to _____ MYSELF-- who I am inside.

I am loving how I feel, and have gotten past the tummy aches and headaches. I know I need to up my water intake, but that's coming. Making burgers out of seeds and 'live' food is so foreign to me, but it was SUPER yummy. Or making 'soup' that isn't heated-- different, but tasty. I don't feel any guilt about what I snack on or when, I don't have many cravings I can't satisfy. Although, Chris told me he had McDonald's Breakfast. And lemme tell you-- I love me a McGriddle and greasy hashbrown! mmm

But I'm doing good. And I feel good. On top of it, the scale moved. (FINALLY). So, so far, real good.