Farewell, My friends

I have started and restarted this post a bagillion times. And I've thought about what I would say and how I'd make this work.

Over a year ago, I started this blog. I was going through an excruciating time in life, trying to figure out where Chris' and my relationship was heading. I was sad. I was drained. I was searching. I was conflicted. And I knew that, in some way or another, the year held many more changes..

I have always loved writing. I love getting my thoughts on paper, and as a mom, finding time to type was easier than sitting down with my paper journal. I didn't think many people would read this blog, as I only told family and my closest friends about the URL (blog address).

Before I knew it, I had people searching for me online. People from all over the world who would comment and follow along in my life. Somehow I brought some people hope. Somehow I brought some people laughter. And somehow I brought people insight.

But I wrote for me. I wrote my story according to what I wanted the world to know. The truth, perhaps only shared in pieces. My cathartic confessional.

I go back to my "FOCUS" for the year. MAKE THE CHANGE. Change is good. I was talking with Em today about being unhappy, and how there are so many things that we all do in life that KEEP us unhappy. Things that we can change if we just get up and do it. Things that maybe we're afraid of, but we KNOW we need to do. Things that may continue to hold us down because that's the only place we choose to be. Being held back because of our laziness. Or our fear. Or our anger towards someone else.

I am making the change. I am grabbing the sharper knife.

452 published posts later, I have now got over 150+ readers DAILY. I have some who visit daily, some who visit weekly, and even some who stalk
visit multiple times a day.

I am not a secretive person. I have no enemies of my choosing, and I have no animosity towards anyone. However, my blog is not 'mine' anymore. I have to watch what I write because of people I know who read. There are exes. There is EF. And I don't want to have to do that in my blog. The angst that this blog started with is no longer in my heart.

The blog now isn't only mine...I am not single. I have Will. We are a package now. And, I have perfect peace in life now. I have a beautiful family. And I have hope like no other! I have never known a love so amazing, and, if I could share even just a morsel with everyone, I would. Divorce is a horrible, hurtful, hard road. I have been so blessed in spite of some of my choices. I do NOT wish an affair, or a divorce on ANYONE. But, if you are one of those fateful unlucky, my empathy and heart and prayers go out to you. Keep doing what makes you YOU, and, I hope, you'll find someone who makes you HAPPY in the near future, as I have been so lucky to find myself.

I was seriously contemplating making this blog private, and just continuing the story from here. But I think that it's better to put ALL my heartache from the past behind me and to leave on a good note. Secondly, I want people to continue to stumble on this blog as some have done, and, hopefully somehow, they'll find a post that may help THEM through a divorce/separation/first-time dating.

So, friends, I am closing this blog. This is my last entry as Debbi from Daisyhalos.

I am, however, opening a new one. A blog with the pitfalls and happinesses of raising 4 bonus-children alongside my own. A blog of a second, BETTER, marriage. A blog where I don't feel like I have to hide certain information from strangers, people from my past, and the general public.

My "followers" will be allowed on the new blog with their email addresses, and family members too. So, friends who I don't have as listed followers (and I know there are quite a few), send me an email to debbirn2b@hotmail DOT com, and I'll put you as an allowed reader. *EDIT* I can't get my follower's emails, blogger's being silly. So, sorry guys, but just send me an email saying "hey" and I'll make sure to get you on the safe list.

Until I meet you on the other blog, friends, I bid Adieu.
In honour of my last Daisyhalos Six Word "Wednesday", I write:


And They Lived Happily Ever After.



***FINAL EDIT*** after a bunch of contemplation, I realized that being a private blog annoys the heck out of me. Besides, I'm really not that interesting! ;) So, the new blog can be found at www.ninepeasinthepod.blogspot.com See you there! :)

Six Word Saturday

It's Saturday again. Time to play along with Cate at Show My Face. (see the button on my sidebar)

My six words for today:

I Should Really Be In Nashville!


Yep. Today is the Nashville Country Music Marathon I should have been running in. First marathon I 'committed' to (didn't pay the fees, though). First marathon I trained for. First marathon I ditched. :(

Life happened. I trained for 10 weeks. I was more than 1/2 way done the 18-week program when I "lost it" in January- all those Issues Episodes and asking Chris to leave and.just.everything. It would have been fun and personally rewarding to be running on that marathon road right now, ready and trained and fit. But I had another road to follow, I guess. And it's still bringing me some personal rewards. Where one door closes, another opens.

So, I will keep on running. Literally and figuratively.

Besides. I still don't have my passport! ;)

Why I Am Not Sleeping

Friend says:
hey are you ok?
(Friend here is someone who knows me strictly through facebook. We met once, when she came to town. She and I have been together through everything in the past year regarding the affair and such, and her life too: including the engagement of her to her sweetheart, and the joy in that, only to have him suffer a major heart attack while she was out getting the invitations chosen. He died October 19th. )

Debbi says:
yah
I hate 'heart to hearts' lately.
I'm such a basketcase.
headcase.
blahhh
Friend says:
are you 2 doing better?
still dating?
Debbi says:
no.
yes
he lives here,
but I think I'm close to telling him that he shouldn't
I don't feel peace lately, and I really want to. I don't know if I can find that with him here.
Friend says:
oh again?
and you felt peace when he was gone?
Debbi says:
He's ready to stop 'dating'... but my trust issues aren't ready for that.
yes. I did.
I felt peace for a while at the beginning of dating again, too. I felt peace until about the time I stopped the divorce papers because everyone else told me I should.
Friend says:
hmmm...ya I noticed when you were not with him...however much you can notice on facebook, it did seem you were happy
Debbi says:
but then... something... he's changed in good ways and bad, and I don't know what I can handle or can't. He's not done anything 'wrong'... and still, I can't let go and just love.
When we're playing and having fun, it's usually good.
but when we're just 'being', I feel scared, untrusted, not loved in an unconditional way
Friend says:
i know what you mean...dating is fun...but going back to the reality of being together makes it seem more real that your accepting what he did to you
at least with dating it was just that and then your life
Debbi says:
possibly, yes.
and I'm not sure I'm willing to 'give up' my victim status.
as dumb as that is to say
Friend says:
I totally understand
not at all
Debbi says:
I hate still hurting, Friend.
Friend says:
you have one life...well maybe more...but one life in this lifetime...you have to be happy
Debbi says:
What if I spend the rest of it unhappy that I left Chris- the person I thought I wanted for the rest of my life???
Friend says:
what if you spend it unhappy with Chris?
thats a hard question
Debbi says:
that's just the thing. How do I find out?!
Friend says:
both of them are
Debbi says:
yep
Friend says:
sounds like you do need more time
alone
Debbi says:
I know. but he's not 'there'... and it'll hurt him.
and I think I'd die if I found out I wanted him back and he's moved on.
Friend says:
cause if you hurt already now and it's still not totally official, it just kinda says your not ready and you may never be
Debbi says:
I'd never forgive myself for something I didn't need to do.
Friend says:
yes you would
Debbi says:
my three kids in the mix.
never loving anyone this much
Friend says:
because if it's so easy for him to move on then you know it just wasn't meant to be and your better off with someone who would wait for you
not a lifetime...but as much time as you may need
Debbi says:
I know. but still, that's scary.
Friend says:
for sure it is
i feel the same way...what if I never love anyone as much as I loved (my man) and right now I can't even imagine I could possibly
Debbi says:
yah.
Friend says:
but thats ok...cause thats just right now
Debbi says:
but you've only had a few months
Friend says:
it's not tomorrow
and I don't know what will come tomorrow...nobody does
Debbi says:
I feel like this has drug on too long
that's true
Friend says:
but as long as I tell myself to just be happy right now then I get through today
Debbi says:
are you avoiding 'feeling' though?
Friend says:
i may be
not on purpose though
Debbi says:
how is that not gonna bite you on the butt later on?
Friend says:
i don't think I do it intentionally
Debbi says:
oh
Friend says:
i have no idea
Debbi says:
hahaha, look at us.
Friend says:
I know I am in a support group
so I am doing what I should
Debbi says:
that's good, then
Friend says:
and I can't do more
if I want to cry I do
Debbi says:
I have a lot of support too.
good.
Friend says:
to me just because you ask yourself the question of weather you want it or not...says your not ready for it
Debbi says:
I dont' like that answer
Friend says:
hahaha
Debbi says:
I don't like EITHER answer
Friend says:
i know
when you were alone were you asking yourself if you wanted him back or did it just happen
Debbi says:
just happen
Friend says:
so you never asked yourself do i want him to come back???
things just moved in that direction
?
Debbi says:
no. at first, we talked about it just being what it was.
yes, they did.
we started enjoying the time more and more
and then, he moved a few things in.
then a few more (he needed them)..etc.
Friend says:
ya your not ready...you didn't even have to ask yourself questions when you were alone, but now half together half not your asking weather he should stay
Debbi says:
And then... he was 'ready' to be here, and I was still thinking we were 'dating'.
He's further ahead than me. but why am I not there now?
Friend says:
hmmmm....now Debbi..thats a silly question
Debbi says:
Isn't this what I wanted?!
Friend says:
why would you be...of course it's easy for him....he hurt you
Debbi says:
I hurt him too.
Friend says:
whatever
then he should have talked to you
and not slept with someone else to show you that you hurt him
Debbi says:
he did, just not in the words I would understand, I guess.
no, I agree with the last part
so why do I want to possibly date someone else? Probably for the same message to get across.
Friend says:
i don't know
Debbi says:
ha, thanks
Friend says:
sorry

Issues Episodes: Fighting the Help

I hate taking Tylenol. I hate taking ANY drug.

So the thought that this could be a chemical imbalance freaks me out.

I've had depression before. I got help then. It took a few months of struggling with KNOWING I needed drugs, but being too afraid to ask for them. What if I couldn't 'convince' the Dr. I needed help? What if he didn't believe me? What if I was just overreacting to having a new baby and I was simply tired? What if it was just a stressful few months?

But what is it about admitting that you need drugs for a mental reason that has such a horrible stigma attached to it. I'm going clinically crazy!? I can't control the thing that's supposed to control me? I talk to myself?! (okay, honestly, I DO. And I like it. So what?!) I got help. Because I needed drug intervention.

I am not sure that what I have *today* constitutes as 'drug-worthy'. What if it's just the season? Just the time of the month? Just EVERYTHING else in these 'Issues Episodes'? What if it's not chemical. What if it's simple emotions? It's like asking for a blessing when you don't 'need' one. Misplacing a shoe doesn't require God's intervention (usually), so why would a silly emotional roller-coaster warrant medical attention?


No. Instead, I'm going to start from the inside. And by 'inside', I mean diet.
The book I'm reading, The Thrive Diet (by Brendan Brazier) has me all excited for next week.

I don't know enough yet, and I'm only on the first few chapters of the book, but this book is EXACTLY on par with my feelings on diet and exercise. The things said thus far make so much sense to me.

I'm not saying things will all just pop up roses and lily pads once I change my diet. But it's a start. From there, I'll take the next step.

In the process of getting these 'issues' out, I've actually been able to feel a LOT better. They don't go magically away once I pen them, but they're not festering inside me anymore. Now that this is the last "Issues Episode".. at least, for the scheduled program part...I've thought of replying to your comments, but instead, I'll just put that every comment or personal email to me was greatly appreciated. I feel supported and loved, and I am thankful for your expressions of compassion and concern. So thanks.

There.
That's me condensed into a week of posts. Me inside the deepest fears and thoughts of my head. Nothing held back in these posts. Besides, that would have made the whole process futile.

Now we'll go back to silly, fun, and slightly neurotic posts! ;) okay, I'll probably come back to these issues once in a while-- most likely! ;)

Issues Episodes: Believing What I Believe

Before I start, if you're not LDS, you possibly won't understand much of this post. I'll do my best to explain, but most things are kinda just 'societally' understood in the Mormon Culture. We have our own language: Being "a member", HFPE, Relief Society, Visiting teaching, Home teaching, Callings. We have our own 'culture': burning shirts as missionaries,


Going on girls' camps, or Trek, 3-hour blocks of church every Sunday, clothing or jewellery we don't wear, clothing we DO wear.


Things I've grown up with. And things I love. I think it's a phenomenal religion, and, in spite of researching many others, have firmly believed that this is the one I would have chosen on my own, given the option of not being born into it.

But some things I don't believe. Some things I'm afraid to SAY OUT LOUD to anyone. Things I disagree with.

I hate being 'one foot in' in the church. I hate being 'one foot out' as though I'm a hell-bound heathen.

But, although I feel happy there, and it feels like where I want to be FOR ME and my kids, I feel like the true message is getting lost. I feel like I'm more judged by others than accepted for those issues. I love my ward; the people in it, and the leadership. But something isn't right. I feel like the messages we're all preaching AND BELIEVE IN are hardly followed. Forgiveness. Love. Charity. Compassion. They're there, but so many times, in the SMALLER instances, they're not.

I made promises in the Temple that I can't keep. I can't keep them because I don't believe in them. I don't WANT to keep them falsely. I don't want to act like one person, when I know that's not me. I don't want to be uncomfortable in a place where I should feel peace. Because I don't feel peace there. I never really have. And I tried for nearly 8 years. Trust me, I tried. Do I think it's a great place? yes, for those who believe it to be. It's beautiful! Inside and out!! Some of these buildings are some of the most beautiful buildings in the world. It's quiet inside. It's spotless inside. It's a great place to meditate. But it's not a place for me. I don't know if it ever will be. But today, I don't think so.

The temple is such an integral part of our church. Can I believe in the gospel without believing in the temple? Illogically to most, I believe I can. To most members, though, they would answer no. Chris supports my attendance and involvement in church. For those who speculate because he's not LDS that these are my reasonings-- I came to these conclusions without Chris. During the summer. When I re-evaluated every choice I had ever made, and what future choices I wanted to make. If I left the church or stayed until the day I died, Chris will respect my choices because he knows I made them for ME.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to go what feels like against the grain and do what makes me happy without being a hypocrite. Finding spirituality is such a personal thing. I'm not afraid to feel what I feel. I'm just afraid to admit it, for fear of being shunned or labeled.(kay, seriously, I love this photo. That was a great night for photos, Kare!)

Issues Episodes: Why I Should Stay

what makes you stay?

It's interesting, but this is the only 'episode' that's hard for me to write. The others kinda 'flowed'. Like a little gripe-session. A vent. Full of angst and pain and frustration.

But this one doesn't have that. This one makes me want to hold the reasons just all to myself. This one, of all of them, is most close to my heart, so this one is hardest to share.

Why should I stay with Chris?


In JUST those reasons, that would be enough. And yet, it's not. I mean, no matter WHAT (together or apart), we'll have those three faces. We'll always be the parents to those babies. And staying together 'for the kids' is something neither of us find as a valid solution.

It's not about them, really. We like to think that, in spite of their behaviour issues and upset routines, we did really well with the kids when we were apart.

But I'd be staying for more than that.
I'd be staying because I love him. And yes, love is also another reason, like above, that doesn't necessitate staying together.

I'd be staying because he's a good father. A good provider. A good listener.

Most easy to recognize, is his changed attitude about priorities and self-discovery. When we were married before, he refused any 'help' from counsellors about things he agreed were issues he needed to deal with. Now, he's doing counselling on his own accord. He's writing in a journal. He's finding his own spirituality. He's doing things I need or want without me asking for them first. He's attending church with me TO SUPPORT ME because he knows I need that. He finds me attractive, wants to be with me physically, compliments me all the time. He's trying new things. He's going out, even if just to buy butter, with me and the kids just to spend more time with us. He's now appreciative of the things I've always done for him. He's helping 150x more around the house. He's supportive of the way I run the house. He's supportive of my 'issues' and he's not pressuring me into making any choices on his schedule. He's much more humble. He's trying to make things better in every facet of his life. He's making his OWN changes.

The things written yesterday are there, yes. But some of those (laundry, diet, money) are things that EVERY marriage could endure. Who's to say they'd be different with anyone else? Who'd find it 'cute' when I burst into tears at the thought of mice, or of killing crabs for dinner last night? (yes, true story-- he laughed at me, true, but it was in a 'you're so cute' type of way that only makes me feel SLIGHTLY stupid! lol) Who else will remember the little things? The things that have made me and my kids who we are today? Who else will love my kids this much? Who else will parent the way I want my kids parented?

In most cases, Chris and I parent the exact same. We came from different, but similar upbringing as far as parenting styles went. Chris and I both want the same things for our kids. The things we differ on are usually complimentary to each other. My strengths and his strengths. We use them together well.

And lately, like, the past 4 months or so, dating Chris has been really fun. We've tried a lot of new things together. Some good, some...uh... alright. But we tried them together, and we enjoyed the company. We made memories. More memories of each other in these past few months than possibly in our whole marriage! It's a wonderful thing; to feel like I have a brand-new marriage but with someone who already knows all about my idiosyncrasies. It's a second honeymoon. (although we didn't have a first honeymoon)

Most of all.
I'm one who firmly believes in second chances.

I firmly believe that I could ruin something wonderful because of something that I hold on to from the past.

I believe that people can change.

I believe in forgiveness. Repentance.

I believe that trust is never ALL gone. I like to imagine that, in 42 years, I could sit beside Chris at our 50th wedding anniversary, old and wrinkled, hand in hand, and realize just how much good could have been lost because of a mistake of youth soooo many years ago.

I believe that following your heart will always be the right choice. Even if you're hurt in the end, you don't live with the regret of doing what you 'felt' would have been the right choice.

And I believe that, should I decide to stay, even if the whole world thinks staying with Chris is the wrong decision, I'll still know that I did what I felt was right for me.

In reality.
This "issues episode" is hardest to write because, no matter what I write, I feel that the only thing that is portrayed are 'justifications', illogical emotional ideas, and approval-searching reasons. I have seen people treat Chris differently since the affair was made public, and I hate thinking that, if I stayed with him, I'd have to watch him get his nose rubbed in his mistakes over and over again from non-affected, outside spectators. Family especially, but friends too. That pains me. If *I* can forgive, why is it so hard for others to see that *I* am okay with him in my life-- so they should be too. I understand people get their feathers ruffled over someone hurting someone they love. I'm not naive to that reasoning behind their actions or feelings. But. Because they love me, they SHOULD be able to see that I'm happy with that choice, and accept it. Maybe even be happy with me. He doesn't make me into a bad person. He doesn't abuse me or my kids. He doesn't rub my mistakes in my face. He's a nice guy. He's an incredibly great guy... a great friend- fun and loving. He has phenomenal potential, and if he uses what he's afraid to use, he'll move mountains. I want to be here when he figures out what I see in him isn't in my imagination!

Let's rejoice in a changed marriage. in a changed person. In changed opportunity. Rejoice in the future of an exceptional life together. Rejoice in forgiveness and second-chances. Seeing as we are ALL in need of those.

Issues Episodes: Why I should Go

I never wanted to date anyone else when I was married to Chris. And don't correct me, I am well aware that I'm still married to him. But I'm talking about BEFORE. Before we separated and before we started 'dating' like we are now. er... like we SAY we are now. Cuz, really, what's the difference of us pre-affair and us now?

Actually. A lot!
Money.
Trust.
Fidelity.

big ones.

Before, I never had the inclination to date anyone else. Never thought I'd be happier with someone else. Never wanted to cheat. Never. Marriage was hard, but I was in it for the long run. I worked hard at it. In my way, maybe I was working on the wrong thing. But hindsight, it's a bitch.

And so, when I became 'single' ( you know what I mean by that word) I had to start a different mind-set. In my fear and sadness, I took what rocky, treacherous path laid before me and tried to pick the flowers alongside the road. I looked for the excitement of dating. I forced myself to 'move on' productively. Dwelling on past always kicks my butt, and I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. For me, and for my kids, I needed to have a positive outlook on the future.

Thankfully, I had friends and others to help with that process. I started to realize that dating someone else had its benefits. I got excited about that idea. SCARED. But excited. I had men who told me they were excited about the idea of me dating too- as they hoped I'd date them. I felt wanted again. I felt worth someones attention. I liked being liked.

And now. Staying with Chris means taking that excitement of dating that I worked so hard to 'achieve' and letting it go. Transferring it to a NEW excitement. But still. THAT other excitement is shelved permanently.

And I'm not sure I'm happy to make that change.

I can't enjoy things I used to. I can't watch movies I love. Or TV shows. Why is infidelity such a huge, prominent issue in what's SUPPOSED to entertain me? It doesn't entertain me. It makes me sad. Two I've seen recently.

Hope Floats
The Wedding Date


I hate living with a constant reminder of pain. With trust issues I never had before. Fear.

I'm not sure that those things will change with someone else in the picture. But it's an option I haven't tried. And I kinda want to.

Besides all this, I like living alone. I hate feeling like the house needs to be perfect or someone will be cranky. If it's MY mess, I can deal. Cleaning other family member's messes (who are over the age of 8) is flat out irritating. I liked eating what I want, when I want. Feeding the kids what I felt like feeding them. No one to raise an eyebrow if dinner was peanut butter sandwiches because I was having a 'take-it-easy' day. No one to complain about not being able to find socks. If I do the laundry of yours, you don't get to get angry when it's not done on your timetable. And not that he gets 'angry'. He hardly even says anything negative about these things. But I know he feels them. I'm smart like that.

I like leaving the house when I want.
I like spending money the way I want.

I had more money with us being separated than I did with us 'dating'.
I had more time to myself when we were separated. Given, I had the kids 24/7 during the week, I had every other weekend to myself. I LOVED those weekends.
Chris suggested keeping it like that (with sleeping in and such) if we're together, but it's different. I feel guilty taking so much time for myself when the kids are around.

I didn't have to report to anyone on where I was or with whom. I feel slightly mistrusted now, for no reason that I can pinpoint. Chris' new jealousy issues are stifling and annoying.

I'm not sure I'm what he needs.

Issues Episodes: Divide and Conquer

I run a dayhome.



I love having my own business- doing things MY way. In MY home. With MY kids.
I love making money. I feel like I'm contributing to my family's well-being. I feel needed, appreciated, and valued. And, if I end up divorced from Chris, I need it to stay in my home and keep my children's stability to the best degree that I can.

I am used to children.
I have had difficult children in my home, difficult parents, difficult situations. I have made or deepened friendships with the families with children in my care.
I have had too little children in the home.
I have had too many children in my home.


I know the difference. My limit of 'sanity' is not your limit. My idea of what's safe may be different than yours. My idea of love is also different. My idea of a dayhome may differ from yours too. I treat these kids as my own. The families who have used me and liked me VALUE that. I am honest in my expectations of the children AND their parents when I take a new child in.

There are many kids here lately. Some are full-time. Some are not.
But they make a mess. They eat a LOT of food. They require lots of hugs. They fight. They cry. They scream.
They test me. They lie. They break things. They hurt each other. They hurt themselves. They laugh. They play. They learn. They experiment. They imagine. They grow.

And yes... this is normal for a daycare.


For one, I'm stressed because of EF's children being added to the mix. I'm stressed because I have a younger baby again-- something I haven't had for a while, and I'm still getting used to someone who eats ANYTHING on the floor. I have older kids who play with pennies and marbles, and, in cases of toys- I have had to throw out any possible choking hazards. In the case of money, I am CONSTANTLY adding to my penny jar. It stresses me out to think that, any nook or cranny that isn't spotless is a potential danger to that baby.

Like most moms of young kids, I have a hard time keeping a spotless house. And now I feel like I HAVE to, not only because I should.

My house is 'baby proofed'. But still. Fear. Sometimes babies hurt themselves without even being near obvious 'danger'.

I'm stressed because getting into new routines is hard. Remembering who can eat what is tricky. Who needs a nap? Who's crying? Who's stinky? Who hasn't been changed for a while? Whose diaper is this? Whose socks are these? Where's your soother, your blankie, your sippy cup, your parents!!!??

I'm stressed that being housebound because I don't have enough car-seats to safely transport the kids is something I've never encountered. I don't like that feeling. I don't like that if my daughter or son get hurt at school, I have a hard time finding a way to get to them in the middle of the day. I can't volunteer at their school. I hate feeling confined to an hour of 'errand time' between dinner and bedtime to take my kids with me and get what I need. First off- AS IF that's enough time. That's on top of homework and Beavers or whatever else comes in.

Who knows how long Child A is gonna be here anyways? Dayhomes have a high turn-over. People move, change jobs, stop working, don't mesh with your style, sleep with your husband...

I take what I can, when I can. Holidays and sicknesses and 'quits' affect my income, and, like any variable-amount job, I take the money when it comes so that the slower/quieter months are sustained.

Taking new kids is stressful.

I have potty-trained. I have taught to walk. To go up AND down stairs (yes, by example-- which I'm sure is humourous to watch). I've helped with homework. At the end of the day, I have provided what their parent's couldn't either by choice or necessity. That gives me pride. And, at the end of the day, I get hugs. And I get kisses. And, on rare occasion, they choose me over their parents. (muahahah) Which makes me smile once the door is closed. Unlike adults, children don't pretend to like you if they don't. So, I'm happy when they seem to return the love I have for them.

And, in case you're wondering,
Sometimes it's stressful, but I WANT this job. I LIKE this job. I've CHOSEN this job.

Issues Episodes: EF back in my life

(Written Thursday)

EF's been a person in my life since we met years ago. At that time, we were both young mothers with young kids in Soccer Camp. She was friendly and fun. Our kids got along well. And I ran a dayhome and she needed a new one.

It worked for the both of us. Money for me, security for her kids, relief for her. *Apparently, it also worked into a bang-buddy for Chris.* (cue bitter sentence end-- actually, who are we kidding? there's a lot of 'bitter' in this one. Get over it. and yes, I'm saying that to you AND me)

She became one of my closest friends. I saw her EVERY day. I grew to love her kids soooo much. I told her things I didn't really tell anyone else. I trusted her with so many facets of my marriage. Told her the bad, the good, and the great parts of Chris (*things she apparently needed to find out for herself?*) I confided in her in a way I don't confide in my friends anymore. I'm now afraid to tell my friends anything about my interactions with Chris. I can't vent, can't share ideas.

She has ruined friendships for me from the way they used to be. I have some INCREDIBLE friends. INCREDIBLE. But, at one time in my life, she was part of that list. Now I am too afraid that, just around the corner, another friend will slap me in the face as equally blatantly and painfully.

I bit off more than I could chew, and built a home I couldn't afford. We needed out of the house. EF wanted a bigger, nicer home.
Again, it worked out, and she and her hubby bought the BRAND-NEW, (beautiful, dream home) house that I lovingly built and designed. I didn't want to abuse or lose a friendship, so I charged her the EXACT price of the home we bought it for. No profit, although, we COULD HAVE made nearly 100,000$ if we sold it publicly. Nope. This just felt "right" to me.

I have always thought she was beautiful.
*Apparently, so did Chris.* She was on my list of people from yesterday's post I wanted to be like.

And when it all went unravelling in front of me, I missed her friendship dearly. I missed her kids. I missed seeing her daily. I hated driving out of my community, as I was FORCED to see my beautiful home with her inside. I couldn't get away from her, and I wanted to. But I didn't want to.

Then I dealt with a million pieces of shrapnel. I put what I could together, and discarded what I couldn't. Albeit scarred, I got better. Until I read Chris' journal, and found out that his disinterest in contacting EF was a lie. He wanted to see her again. To sleep with her again.

I told him to get out. We were done.



****
I have forgiven both of them. I have 'played' with her since. I have enjoyed being around her again. I have cried with her, and I look forward to having her back in my life.
Today, she could call. She could bring her children back into my home. I feel peace and joy when they're here.

She needs a friend. Someone who understands the situation and understands her pain. She needs me. I can't turn away someone who needs my help. I won't knowingly EVER do that.

If Chris is here, how do I know I'm not putting myself back at the same risk? How do I know she's telling the truth when she says she doesn't want to sleep with Chris? When he tells me he's sooooo done with that, how do I know he's telling the truth when he has already lied to me (albeit a long time ago) about his desire not to sleep with her? How do I know they're not currently sleeping together?! How can I deal with this constant paranoia, still have Chris in my life, and still have EF in my life?


*****
(written Friday)

Funny.
Today she called. Needed me to watch her son. And I was, of course, fine with that. Enjoyed the phone conversation, hung up, and proceeded to get all anxious again. WTF?!

I went and put on makeup. Obsessed over what pants to wear so I don't look fat. Obsessed over how to do my hair without making it look 'done'. Jewellery? No. Earrings? uh..too much. Then I cleaned. ANYTHING that could be seen from the front door.

Just.
to.
impress.
her.

To show her that I've got my crap together. That I'm doing well. That everything in my life is pretty and clean and put together. I even wiped the wood with wood-cleaner. So it was shiny.

Pathetic.
And then she arrived. And everything was good.

She'll be calling this evening to tell me if I'm watching her kids this week-- looks likely. Is this my subconscious "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" thing?!! I can't even tell you which side of that equation she's on!

Still, the funniest part about this all: WHO CARES IF THEY DO!? (have another affair)

Really...
The worst that could happen is that they have another affair. So? Good. Answers TONNES of questions quite permanently. I mean, what am I so afraid of? Losing Chris? (uh, do I WANT someone who'd willingly hurt me TWICE and abuse my forgiveness?! Besides. Big deal- I've lived without him once, I perfectly well know I'd be fine if I did it again!) Alternately, what, I lose EF? Big EF'n deal. LOL

So really. I'm dumb. He couldn't hurt me twice with an affair. I did so well in the first one, I'm not really afraid of any others. Not INVITING of others, but that's my biggest fear, and honestly, it's a dumb fear. If I *HAVE* to fear something, I should fear the unknown. Fear mighties. But fearing another affair?? Something I've been through and 'survived'?! That's just moronic.

Six Word Saturday

All "Issues Episodes" have been pre-written.



(For those who care, the schedule is as follows:
Sunday: EF
Monday: Dayhome
Tuesday: Being Single
Wednesday: Being Married
Thursday: Religion
Friday: Drugs)

Issues Episodes: Weight loss

Trying to explain this one isn't easy. In fact, there's LOTS of people I know who struggle with weight. Lots of people who have lost weight, who have wanted to lose weight.

This isn't about that.
This is about fear.

I can't gain weight. I mean, I CAN, physically, but mentally, gaining weight would be the death of me.

Which is partly why I'm here today. Dying mentally.
First off- no, I am not bulimic. Someone asked that. Frankly, that's gross, and I like my teeth too much for that.
Secondly, I'm not anorexic. Cha. Right. I like food.

When I get sad, I eat. Junk. When I get sadder, I don't eat. ANYTHING. it's just not something I want to do, find joy in, or remember needs doing. Food is so-- so-- low on my priorities. Blah blah, I'm well aware of health risks associated with that. Blah. Tell that to my body, that LITERALLY dejects food that comes in more quantity than a few snap peas and maybe a glass of club soda. Yah. My diet for the past few days.

And yet. THAT diet, I am still the same weight I was on December 1st.

Worst of all, I have TRIED to "Make the Change". I am training for a marathon. I should have dropped a pound or 20 in the past 7 weeks.

Nope. not one. Not even 1/2.

1) it's winter. We all put on weight in the winter, as it's a primal reaction to the cold weather.
2) I changed birth control to a hormone-based IUD. no, I don't need birth control.. I like not having a period... or so they assure me will happen eventually.
3) I'm building muscle
4) I'm stressed
5) I'm not sleeping properly
6) my diet, although it's not horrible, isn't great

pick one. Let's blame the stubborn scale on that.

What number will make me happy? 130? 120? 100?

Alas. It's a number. I'm not dumb-- I know these things. But you don't get it. You don't' get what it mentally does to me. Am I obsessed with the scale? yes. I spent nearly 6 months being TOLD to be obsessed about what the scale said. Being judged based on what the scale said. I am STILL judged based on that scale... I am still on TV, I am still followed by people who want to know how my weight issues are going. In fact, the BIGGEST google-search word for this blog is "Debbie X-Weighted". So, naturally I'm a bit worried about it. I may have chosen to bring the TV show into my life, but I was unaware of what that all entailed. I did not think it would change the way I view weight-gain and weight-loss. I didn't think it would follow me so long after the airing.

And yes, I'd still do it again. I needed it. And I like the attention from others. I like that others felt inspired by me. I like that people are curious about how I'm doing today. I just don't like the pressure I put on myself.

Red Bull, Xendarine, ephedrine and caffeine are my vices.

Am I worth anything if I'm not thin and skinny and tight? If we stay together, my need to want to please Chris (and me) drives me to push myself to be a person I don't think I can PHYSICALLY ever be.

I think I'm pretty, I think I have a lot to offer mentally and spiritually and emotionally. Physically?

I need to keep up with Mrs. Jones down the street. To be thin like her. Thin like the girl beside me at church. Thin like my friend. My sister. My daughter.. PICK SOMEONE. I need to be thinner than me.

Do these pictures inspire me? -yes. Are they realistic inspirations? - somewhat. I made them for fun initially. But there's something much deeper there. I am thankful you don't see how I look at those photoshopped pictures. I am thankful you don't see how I look at myself in the mirror.

Issues Episodes: Praefatio

For the next couple of posts, unless something else strikes me as blog-worthy, I'm going to go through what's going on.

I'm sorry. This is my mental diarrhea. You get to wade through it if you so please.

There's LOTS of things, but none of them seem to be more pressing than others. This is my year to "Make The Change". But, I'm not really sure what to 'fix' since I don't know what the major issue is that needs fixing. I'm afraid to change one thing, for fear of finding out it's not the thing that needed changing and possibly 'shooting myself in the foot' because of a rash decision.

The points I'll touch on, to name a few. They're not necessarily in order of posts-to-come, or even of importance. They're just the things that are contributing to my solicitude.

• Things with Chris are good. He's doing great, I'm just not sure yet. But I'm biding my time and waiting for clarity. Although I feel like I need to make a choice, about being with him or not, I refuse to make that choice just yet. I need to make it with a clear head, and I don't have that currently.
• The dayhome is busy.
• I'm not sleeping well. Money was tighter this month, but should be better (see: busy dayhome!;) ) next month.
• Any moment, EF could call me with her needing to bring her kids to my dayhome.
  
• I'm training for a marathon in the spring, (I've jumped off that bandwagon this past week because of this 'mental-case-ness') and, although only ONE person in my life understands this:
  
• I haven't dropped a single pound. But I just didn't feel like doing anything.
  
• Church is fine, but I'm trying to balance religion into what WORKS for my life, basically.
• February first, (inspired greatly by new friend, Kelly at Beauty of Expression.) I'm starting a vegetarian/raw/vegan diet. The vegan part, not so much, and raw will be MOST of the vegetable-form of food.
  

And, up until now, I haven't told anyone what's wrong. And frankly, I'm not even able to TELL what's wrong cuz I don't KNOW what's wrong! See? head case!

So. I'm gonna write. It helps me.
So you know, though, there will be BOTH sides to these issues, and not always on the same post. So be careful (and considerate pls) about what comments you make. You may not have received the whole story yet.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 5)

From the outside looking in, things are fairly cloudy. I hate that. I hate knowing, but in a sence, I don't.

I hate being omniscient, I hate thinking I'm omniscient, I hate people who think they're omniscient. I'm using the word omniscient too much!

What can you say when everything you should say will be contorted and manipulated? When they don't respect you? When they don't want to hear it in the first place? When everything you say will be hurtful and you're only trying to be loving.

And then it will never be forgotten. Like; that first kiss, that girl in school who was so mean to you, the friend who forgot all the times you were by her side, and then when you aren't there for ONE, "you're not a real friend."

I don't need people like that. But I gravitate them towards me. I seem to need them, in some sick, twisted way my spirit won't explain.

But the others, who are already in my life, who can't ever leave my life. it's those who I cry for, who I lose sleep over, who I want to shake 'till they see the truth according to Debbi. Those who overeact, those who misjudge, those who are too quick to point fingers and those who aren't quick enough and they get lost in the rabble.

I need to show those people my charity. my unconditional love. I just don't know how, and I'm too afraid of being rejected. Too afraid that they won't see it as such. That it doesn't matter. And it does. to me. This feeling... .>this< one, right here in my hands. I need to show it to them, to throw it at them, to MAKE them feel it. The truth. According to Debbi. Not worth too much to some.