Farewell, My friends

I have started and restarted this post a bagillion times. And I've thought about what I would say and how I'd make this work.

Over a year ago, I started this blog. I was going through an excruciating time in life, trying to figure out where Chris' and my relationship was heading. I was sad. I was drained. I was searching. I was conflicted. And I knew that, in some way or another, the year held many more changes..

I have always loved writing. I love getting my thoughts on paper, and as a mom, finding time to type was easier than sitting down with my paper journal. I didn't think many people would read this blog, as I only told family and my closest friends about the URL (blog address).

Before I knew it, I had people searching for me online. People from all over the world who would comment and follow along in my life. Somehow I brought some people hope. Somehow I brought some people laughter. And somehow I brought people insight.

But I wrote for me. I wrote my story according to what I wanted the world to know. The truth, perhaps only shared in pieces. My cathartic confessional.

I go back to my "FOCUS" for the year. MAKE THE CHANGE. Change is good. I was talking with Em today about being unhappy, and how there are so many things that we all do in life that KEEP us unhappy. Things that we can change if we just get up and do it. Things that maybe we're afraid of, but we KNOW we need to do. Things that may continue to hold us down because that's the only place we choose to be. Being held back because of our laziness. Or our fear. Or our anger towards someone else.

I am making the change. I am grabbing the sharper knife.

452 published posts later, I have now got over 150+ readers DAILY. I have some who visit daily, some who visit weekly, and even some who stalk
visit multiple times a day.

I am not a secretive person. I have no enemies of my choosing, and I have no animosity towards anyone. However, my blog is not 'mine' anymore. I have to watch what I write because of people I know who read. There are exes. There is EF. And I don't want to have to do that in my blog. The angst that this blog started with is no longer in my heart.

The blog now isn't only mine...I am not single. I have Will. We are a package now. And, I have perfect peace in life now. I have a beautiful family. And I have hope like no other! I have never known a love so amazing, and, if I could share even just a morsel with everyone, I would. Divorce is a horrible, hurtful, hard road. I have been so blessed in spite of some of my choices. I do NOT wish an affair, or a divorce on ANYONE. But, if you are one of those fateful unlucky, my empathy and heart and prayers go out to you. Keep doing what makes you YOU, and, I hope, you'll find someone who makes you HAPPY in the near future, as I have been so lucky to find myself.

I was seriously contemplating making this blog private, and just continuing the story from here. But I think that it's better to put ALL my heartache from the past behind me and to leave on a good note. Secondly, I want people to continue to stumble on this blog as some have done, and, hopefully somehow, they'll find a post that may help THEM through a divorce/separation/first-time dating.

So, friends, I am closing this blog. This is my last entry as Debbi from Daisyhalos.

I am, however, opening a new one. A blog with the pitfalls and happinesses of raising 4 bonus-children alongside my own. A blog of a second, BETTER, marriage. A blog where I don't feel like I have to hide certain information from strangers, people from my past, and the general public.

My "followers" will be allowed on the new blog with their email addresses, and family members too. So, friends who I don't have as listed followers (and I know there are quite a few), send me an email to debbirn2b@hotmail DOT com, and I'll put you as an allowed reader. *EDIT* I can't get my follower's emails, blogger's being silly. So, sorry guys, but just send me an email saying "hey" and I'll make sure to get you on the safe list.

Until I meet you on the other blog, friends, I bid Adieu.
In honour of my last Daisyhalos Six Word "Wednesday", I write:


And They Lived Happily Ever After.



***FINAL EDIT*** after a bunch of contemplation, I realized that being a private blog annoys the heck out of me. Besides, I'm really not that interesting! ;) So, the new blog can be found at www.ninepeasinthepod.blogspot.com See you there! :)

Six Word Saturday- Sick

Being newlywed while sick sucks rocks.

(or)

Full of love. Full of snot.

Yep. I'm still sick. This is going on an eternity almost 10 days now. I've tried starving the cold, feeding the cold, sleeping it off, NOT sleeping at all, smothering it with love, NOT loving it, washing copious laundry amounts. Working with Will making out painting at the hotel. Sitting on my lazy butt at home. Working at my Mother-in-law's shop. Walking with Will at night. Paying bills. Shopping. Catching up on emails...
nothing is helping.

A runny nose, a headache, sore muscles... NOT a fun way to be newlywed. I figure, though, if Will can't handle a little bodily fluid as a newlywed, he's missing out on the best part! ;)

8/52 and with the amount of driving I've been doing, it's a miracle this has only JUST happened once.

*graphic content and photos-- fair warning*

Find Mom Friday features last weekend's antics.

Yay that Will and I took his kids last weekend to the lake with Sin and Vegan and her family. We had a great time, about an hour away from our home.

Yay that there was fishing. Lots and lots of fishing!

Triple Yay that there was some AWESOME tubing. Yay that Sin and I went and we laughed our butts off so much, but nay that our stomachs hurt after! It was soooo fun! Nay that I haven't been tubing like that since I was young and I missed it!

And at the end of the day, we started the drive home.

Everything was great (yay), until a big doe ran across the highway (nay). We swerved to go behind her, and yay for her, she got across the road. But her little Bambi ran out right after her...big nay. At that point, we tried to swerve the OTHER way to avoid Bambi, but it didn't go so well.

BIG NAY: Bambi hit the front of my van with a huge *THUD*. Legs starfished, deer spun around in front of our screeching van, and before we knew it, we realized what had happened. Pulling over, we assessed the van damage. LUCKY for us (yayish), although we were travelling at 110kms/hour and the deer hit the front of the van pretty squarely, no airbags went off and no one was hurt. Yay.

Nay that I found out later that it was SUPER close to being much worse, as Bambi hit the van so hard that it moved the hood fairly severely back, and, another few millimetres and the hood would have flown up. Um. That woulda been a super big nay!

Yay that Kay was clever enough to look at the time on her cellphone. Yay that it was kinda freaky that it was EXACTLY 9:11 pm. Okay, how weird is that?!?!

So, Yay that Will kindly moved the body off the highway, and we all paid our respects to the little lad. Nay that I had to file a police report and everything, but yay that it was just a little deer and not worse!

And is it a yay, or a nay, that I've become SUCH a blogger that the first thing I think is "grab a camera!"???

7/52- The Summer's Ending!!!

It's Find Mom Friday. I'm back at the Calgary house for a whopping few hours doing another switch of children with Chris and grabbing another load of stuff from the 'old house'. It's amazing, now that I'm down to the end of the 'little stuff', I'm realizing I STILL have a lot of junk! Who knew I had so many boxes of maxipads under the sink!? Like, I could rival the hover dam for being able to stop liquid.. sheesh.

The other day I was in a FOUL mood. Like, stick a feather in my butt, FOUL! (yes, I know it's fowl, sillies) But Will tried the entire day to make me happier. I think there was just too much in my head, I was tired, I felt like I did everything the wrong way even when I was trying to help... just one of those days. and it had nothing to do with PMS, in case the previous paragraph led you to think that.

So, Will bought healthy food because he knows I'm trying to fit into a wedding dress pizza. Will drove us to a local park. Will took pictures of me and my grumpiness awesome children. Will was bound and determined to stop my crankiness from oozing into the kids.

And he did a pretty good job. I mean, I can be downright lovely not fun and, gasp, even witchy when I'm cranky. Will says he is a glutton for punishment still wants to marry me. What a man!

I Need A Nap

I am exhausted.

I'm tired from cleaning. Tired from having my sleep schedule off-kilter. Tired of no routine-- I thrive best on stability and routine and consistency. I'm tired of hoping for a showing to produce something good. Tired of reminding myself not to hope. Tired of having that last 10-minute freak-out of trying to clean while the kids are making an equal amount of work in another area of the house. Tired of being STUCK at home because of car seats.

I'm tired of weeds in the garden. (okay, not really a valid complaint, but while I'm on a roll)

I'm tired of answering the same question with more questions-- "where are you moving to"? I don't know. "When?" I don't know. "Do you have a house already?" I don't know.. (okay, NO, not really, but kinda sorta..hard to explain) "What are you going to do when you move for work, another dayhome?" I don't know.

Tired of Exes. Tired of shaking my head at exes who read the blog EVERY DAY. Tired of money-talks with Chris. Tired from our mediation this morning where I just want to spout obscenities at him and become one of those types of exes, but instead I wear myself out just biting my tongue. Tired of feeling like I have to fix every problem that HE inflicts on my life. Tired of being told that things aren't fair. Tired of not knowing what the next months and years hold in regards to Chris. Tired of hearing about him going back to school. About his lack of employment. About his stress levels....
join the club, bucko.

I'm tired of kids. Some kids are here for almost 12 hours. Some are a LOT of work. Most are good, but the dynamics of 11 kids is tiring. I'm tired of my OWN kids. I am ready for a weekend off (after two weekends WITH the kids to even out the month later). I'm tired of stopping arguments and listening to whining. I'm tired of their disrespect and back-talking recently. I'm tired of being 100% solely responsible for their spirituality. It's exhausting, albeit awesome, to think about activities and scripture stories and such EACH WEEK for FHE and each NIGHT, even when Sin and her family help. In truth, I'm tired of not seeing my friends much lately, either.

I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster on dating after divorce. The fears. The insecurities. The excitement. I'm tired of a long-distance relationship with Will. I'm tired of being without him.

I'm ready for a nap. I can't wait for things, which seem all up in the air right now, to finally come together in the next little while.

And, there's a LOT of good things in my life right now. LOTS. So, this is just a post to say...
I'm tired.

Looking Back

So, I'm part of a group called 20 Something Bloggers, and they have a contest on right now. You can read all about it here. It explains it all there, but in short, this post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers! And come on, guys, it's ICE CREAM!! I'm a sucker for something yummy! (VL)

In order to participate, I just pick a post from my first 2 months in blog-land that shows where I was mentally and, like, deep inside my head. So, here it is.... It's funny how much has changed since then. How much we know now.

Let's go back to May 24th, 2008. (since I technically started blogging in April 2008)

****

"My Last Secret"

My kids know now, so the 'cat's out of the bag,' so to speak. Now, it's time to let you know what's been going on in my life to the extent of what my children know.

Tonight, we told my three kids that Chris will be leaving June 1st. He's going to go live somewhere else for at least the month of June, possibly returning in July, possibly not returning at all. This decision has been in the works for about 4 months now. It's hard to fully explain everything to everyone, as some details are more meant for family and some are just meant for Chris and I. But some things need to be said.

Chris and I love each other. If you saw the X-Weighted TV show, you'll see that there are issues with Chris' desire to be married. It's not about being married to me specifically, but about being part of a family. And we both know that no marriage will survive if both parties aren't FULLY committed to working on it. We have done so much growth in these past 4 months, more than can be shared. We have learned how to communicate in a whole other language. We have learned what we each NEED versus WANT in a marriage, and neither of us believe that the other should have to lose their needs just to stay married.

Because I love him so deeply like I do, I know this is essential to his growth. There's no other option. And our marriage counsellors and clergy are behind us, working with us and guiding us in proper directions. We aren't fighting or angry. We are doing this for the betterment of our marriage, the betterment of ourselves and in time, the betterment of our children. They deserve to be part of a family where love, respect and commitment are strong and obvious. If I can't find that in this marriage, with God's plan, I hope to find it elsewhere. They deserve that. As do I.

Ask questions. It's okay to be confused and sad and even angry... It's the same thing we told our children. The next few days are going to be tough-- prayers tonight invoked tears from both LL and Bear for their father's choice. They asked me lots of questions, and I believe LL cried herself to sleep. Bear is still awake, and asked me to sleep in bed with him. Obviously, they're going to be dealing with the aftermath of their father's choices for a long time. I just hope that the positive in the long run outweighs the negative we feel now.


***
Wow. Back then, I hadn't yet spoke of Chris' affair. No one knew who EF was.
I hadn't yet spoke of why he wasn't returning.
I hadn't met anyone that I thought I could love more, or who could love me.


I am so glad I'm not there anymore.

The End and The Beginning

SCHOOL'S OUT. FOR. SUMMER!

Remember this?: (first day of school this year)

Now we have this:
Think they're a bit excited about summer vacation!? This may be the last day they get to wear these uniforms, though, assuming we move before school starts next year. :(

And so now my blogging may decrease even more. I'm hoping to find some time to blog, as the house is filled with dayhome school-aged kids who entertain the regular little ones. And we will be outside, avoiding further damage to the house I am trying to sell. We had *two* showings yesterday, so at least people are coming in! PRAY HARDER, PEOPLE-- I need out of this place.

People keep telling me it took 50 or 100 showings before they sold their homes. Or how they lost money. Or how it was 6 months before they got an offer! BUT, the good thing is that my realtor talked with one of the realtors who brought someone through yesterday, and the feedback was really positive in regards to price and how the house shows. So, I was happy to hear that. I realize we're only on the first week of being listed, but holy moly, I'm soooo done with selling.

I feel totally in limbo until this place is sold. It's hard to feel like I can't plan school, or housing, or vacations or work or whatever-- I don't know where I'll be when. Standing still in a horrible dormant feeling is driving me to bite nails and break out. I just want routine. Stability. And direction. It's how I work best-- it's when I feel in control of my life.

So, let's hurry and get a move on (literally) so I can Make The Changes I need to make.

Will Tends to My Plumbing!

I only have a few brain cells minutes to update today, while paint and the flooded basement dry.

Yes. you read that right.

I had a pipe burst in the basement the other day, so yesterday was spent cleaning up the basement. How lucky am I that I had BARELY finished cleaning everything up down there-- there wasn't much to get ruined by the water. Apparently, when I turned on the outside sprinkler, and couldn't figure out why there was no water pressure-- yah. It's because the putonincorrectlybyamoron broken pipe was busy making a pool in the basement.

When dayhome kid came up to me with a soaking wet butt FROM THE OUTSIDE, and the kids tell me she got into the 'poison' in the basement, I didn't even get concerned. Seeing as I knew there WASN'T poison in the basement. Bear said it was just water.

So, I'm expecting to clean up a water bottle they opened.

Uh. Or not.

So, I freaked out, knowing that my realtor is arriving TODAY to list my house.

Yesterday, I called the plumbers. Will drove up in the middle of the night to make me feel better and give me a hug help. So, when the plumber arrived, and told me it would cost me another 300+ bucks to fix (which, you know...like that movie where Demi Moore is naked (uh? I have NO idea which one it is, cuz she's naked in EVERY movieI've never seen it), I'm just ROLLING in that kind of 'spare' cash) I was SUPER grateful when Will convinced the plumber to teach him what to do. The plumber left after giving me a free home inspection, and Will and I were off to fix it ourselves.


Things to fix all the other junk around here? Check.
Pipe to fix the other, burst one? 20 bucks
Paint? 50 bucks
Someone incredibly handy and sexy who saved the day? PRICELESS!




Will fixed my pipes-- for 20 bucks at Home Depot and a half-hour lesson from the plumber. The basement is drying. He is now half-way through painting the house. My deck is pressure-washed and ready for stain. We were up far too late last night painting, so I'm SOOO ready for a nap. But, uh. You should see this place-- I won't be sleeping.

So. Blogging will be sporadic for a bit while I spend as much time as possible getting everything cleaned and ready.

ug.
joys.

Sucky

yep yep.

Yesterday rocked. And by rocked, I mean sucked rocks. And by sucked rocks, I mean, please let me just sleep a looong looong time and make it all disappear. I contemplated taking a sleeping pill last night left over from when I heard about Chris and EF, but I ran out of those... I fell asleep before I was able to get it swallowed .. I'm too smart for that.

It was nice having a 4 minute visit with my parents and my future SIL, Nellie. Mamma bringed me some lilacs from her house, which was AWESOME... although, my Ikebana skills were NOT up to par. And by not up to par, I mean ROYAL SUCKAGE. Are we finding a trend here?! To think I spent a year in Japan taking Flower Arranging courses. You wouldn't know it after such a slaughtered bunch of flowers appeared on my kitchen table. Hey. Just be blind. Then you'll smell the gloriousness of them without having to view the massacre. Deal with it.

Yep. Then the day realllllly began. The dayhome child was cranky. And by cranky, I mean her Dad was home with a severe flu and it's likely she's coming down with it too. Oh, and she hasn't pooped for 3 days. Constipated children are a joy! I absolutely LOVE whining at a monotone. ALL. FREAKING. DAY. Moreso, I'm excited for today's reaction to the prunes, raisins, juice and fibre her mother and I are forcing down her throat. That's gonna make it a GREAT day.

But bestest of all.
I got to talk with a few Realtors. I got to talk with a bank Account Manager. I got to talk with Chris about the equity in the home.

Here's my dilemma.
One, Chris has a chunk of money of equity in this home. The number is based on what the house COULD have sold at when he moved out last year.. Uh, we've all seen the great and wonderful housing market lately, have we not? And by great and wonderful, I mean TOTALLY sucky. And by housing market, I mean, not even cardboard boxes are selling!
With this, and him not having a job, he has NO money. Which means he has to move in with his parents. 6 hours+ away. Which means my kids won't see their Dad more than once every few months. Which goes against what he and I wanted for our kids. All that 'make them feel secure with this'... down the drain.

So, I have to give him his equity in order to have him stay around. And by giving him his equity-- yah, suckity suck suck, I have to sell my house.
Besides, he isn't paying child support anymore, so I can't afford to KEEP my house. But once he gets his equity, he pays child support again, and I can pay my mortgage. Only-- yah. Are you following--- I had to sell in order for him to pay me for that mortgage. Catch 22 on that one or WHAT?!

Sooooo, instead, *I* move. I sell my home that I love. From the area I love. From the ward, and the community, and the school, and the security that I love. I move 2 hours away (where there is CHEAP houses. And by cheap, I mean that in ALL ways...) to keep the kids nearer to their father than the 6 hours it may be otherwise.

THANKFULLY, we're looking for the shotgun silver lining around here. Chris could get a job today. I could win the lottery I didn't buy a ticket for. And unicorns could fly out my butt.

• I will be closer to family. My sister is VERY excited about being 'neighbours' again. We used to live 5 minutes away from each other, and our kids loved that. We did too-- constant sitters, shopping buddies, instant "I'm out of blank, do you have" availabilities... really, what else could you need than a sister who lives close to you!? I'll be closer to my parents too.
• I always wanted my kids to live near a temple. Although Calgary is getting a temple in the future, it will be far away from us now, and it will not be seen on a daily basis.
  
• I will be free and clear of owing Chris money. We will be "done" even more. At that point, there is no more connection than the kids.
• I will OWN my own house. Houses down south are cheap in price, and most of them need some serious demolishing fixing up. But I'm dating a handy guy. And I'm not ALL snobby. I GUESS I can settle for laminate counter tops again, although *shudder* I will REALLLLLLLY miss my granite and my $15 Mocha Latte chapstick. And how is Fifi going to get her pup-icure every afternoon while I take my tennis lesson at the club?
• This is all part of my yearly "motto" to "Make The Change". Security is soo overrated.
  
• Wind isn't that bad, right? It's horrific FUN to have snow up to your armpits in May. And who doesn't love living in a town where everyone knows your business before even YOU do, everyone is related to a Beazer or a Leavitt, and no one knows their actual address.."I bought the Clarke's gramma's brother's cousin-in-law's house." "When you get to the store on the corner, go up a block (or TWENTY!) and I'm that house with the rusty...delapitated..green truck and the flowers in the front." And you guys think I'm joking. I'M SO NOT!
  
• I will be closer to Will. You know. As a side bonus! ;) In case. You know. He needs nookie sugar. *he he he From a gramma! :(
  

The Windows Of Heaven

Good ol' Fraulein Maria quoted it most famously:
Where God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.

Right now, I'm putting my faith in that window.

Chris called me yesterday morning, and asked how I was doing. "Fine, how are you?" "Well, I could be better....I just got laid off."



Needless to say, if Chris doesn't make money, he doesn't pay child support. And the dayhome doesn't bring in enough revenue right now to cover my bills. SO. He arrived first thing yesterday morning and spent the day on the computer working on resumes and searching job listings. He even had a business-meeting for a few hours, too. He'll be back this morning. (He doesn't own a personal computer)

I am SO grateful that he isn't sitting on his butt, moping.

It's just part of the economy right now. I'm not alone in this venture, LOTS of people are losing jobs. But, oddly enough, I'm not that stressed. Even odder, Chris said he's not that stressed either. I guess we're just given a new type of peace amidst this, and again, I'm grateful.

I know it is prepping me for a new path-- something is gonna happen because of this, and even if it's a hard path, I know it leads somewhere better. Odd, because I can't think of WHAT it leads to, or even WHY I feel that way. It's just another feeling of 'peace' that came from out of nowhere. I'll take it, though.

And if anyone tries to tell me how much of a bad mother I am, I'm so ready to open a can of something on their sorry butts!

I know, I haven't blogged a whole lotta anything lately.

So here it is. A long one. Be warned. And it's also slightly venting- so, skip ahead to the comments and leave some non-related lovely thoughts because I'm in a blahghgh mood and wouldn't want to ruin your otherwise happy day should you read this horrible monologue.



I had bad-mom night. I kinda had bad-day yesterday in general.

First off, it started off perfectly fine. In truth, it was AWESOME. I took three kids to the passport office, highly anticipating a long couple-hour wait in a line of decrepits. (no clue why I think only scary, dirty people go to passport offices-- just some stupid ignorant thought I have. Don't tell me I'm ignorant. I know)

Lucky for me, I walked right into the office, the ONLY person there. I was in and out of that government building within 5 minutes. Which is sweet, because as I walked out, 5 different people walked in. Of course, they were all regular people decrepits. And I'm sure I was minutes away from catching West Nile or something airborne. (It's my story. I'm gonna go with it my way.)

But, that was the end of my daily allotment for good things.
I did not find a specific item I was looking for to give to Will for his birthday next week. Looked in three different stores. Have bought it before. Annoyed that it is now 'MIA'. So, I'm taking suggestions for gifts for the most awesome dude ever, whom I've dated for a little over 2 months, and whom I plan to date for a long time. Let's add sentimental, not too cheap, but not ridiculous either. You know. That type of gift. Let the ideas flow.

And I miss Will. He's gone on vacation until next week... and going from talking EVERY DAY FOR 2 MONTHS TO NOTHING IS SUPER SUCKY STUPID SAD HARD, (albeit healthy- I don't want to hear that) TO DO!

I got the kids lunch, and then a phone call came from Sin. She's sick lately, and it worries me a lot. So, I packed up the monkeys and headed downtown, and tried to navigate downtown with construction and one-way traffic. I'm not good at that. Although, I found humour as I turned the wrong-way up a one-way street, where the construction lady looked sideways at me, like I was some person in line at the Passport office on crack! (I was safely behind a barrier, waiting for Sin, it's not like I inadvertently turned that way! I'm not THAT bad of a driver, seriously) But I get a little flustered driving downtown, rush hour or not. Not to mention the downed power line that had a 4-lane road down to ONE LANE! Fetcher who hit the power line is lucky the cops were there-- I woulda busted a cap in his butt. Let's imagine the power line didn't fall on it's own (there were no other cars or people there to blame).

The kids didn't nap, so once I was back home, they were all ready to gash out their eyeballs. And one had thrown up on herself in the car. Funtimes.

Then, a new baby arrived (just for the day) and screamed his head off. THREE HOURS OF SCREAMING!! THREE BLINKING HOURS!! I tried feeding him, I tried distracting him, I tried holding him. I tried everything. It got to my breaking point, where I simply put him in a playpen just so I could close the door for a few minutes before I tried again. Serenity Now.

LL called from the school, wanting to come home 1/2 hour earlier because of a headache. AS IF. Suck it out, buttercup. She loses her temper with me on the phone, and I explain that I dont' have enough seat belts for the 8 kids I have at the house to come get her anyways.

She gets home and immediately starts complaining about how I shoulda picked her up, griping and talking incredibly rudely to me. I suggest taking a nap to see if she feels better. She decides to play outside.

I had an 'evening out' planned. But my hair appointment cancelled. Instead, I was gonna go for a run or something.

I made dinner.
Chris arrived. He informs me that he forgot his volleyball stuff, and will be taking the kids shopping for shorts instead of bathing them and doing their homework.

So, when he returned, they were barely bathed (thank goodness for that) but it was 10 minutes to bedtime. And LL had a letter from her teacher about her homework. And it was yet to be done. And Bear didn't get his done either.

I am at my end.
It is past bedtime.
It is an HOUR PAST BEDTIME!
LL is screaming at me that I won't do her homework for her. That I don't love her to help her... Bear is taking his piddly time getting his own stuff done.

I call the homework to cease, and we have family prayer. LL doesn't join in. She pouts instead. We start without her, and she pouts harder. FINE. JOIN THEN! She joins, and gets into bed, SCREAMING! I give kisses, and walk out the bedroom door. No song tonight-- I'm definitely not in the mood for a lullaby over top of a screamfest.

SHE SCREAMED FOR 15 MINUTES!! like, scream, banshee-esque.

I had enough. I went into her room, told her to stop. She screamed at me. I yelled back. *hear the snap, yet?* I tell her I don't like the way she's treated me tonight. Don't like the way that, when I tried to help her, she got angry and refused to let me help. Told her I didn't like her very much right now.

her little heart broke audibly, as she reiterated between huge sobs, "You don't like me?"

GRRR. Bad mom moment.
"no, I don't. You're not a nice girl right now. you've hurt my feelings all day, and I'm a regular person. Sometimes I'm a mom. And I always love you. But after a whole day of you treating me poorly, and having my feelings hurt all day, I stop being a mom and just become a "Debbi". And right now, Debbi wants to go in her room and be alone."

Ensue tears on both sides.
"you don't love me, Mom?"

my heart breaks as I realize that THIS moment will be one she will likely hold tight to, the way I held tight to certain things my mother said to me in her own 'non-mom' moments when I was a child.

"I'll always love you. You are my pride and joy. I would die for you. I would do anything you asked. I love you with everything I am."

"Then why won't you sing for me?"

"Because singing to you is a gift. And I don't want to give you that gift right now. I'm too sad to give anything else to anyone today. I need to be alone now."

....
I walk away. Took a shower. Cried.

Started missing having a Dad in the home. Not Chris. But a Dad in general-- someone who could take over when Mom is tired. When Mom is losing it, they come in and let Mom hide out in the shower. They would have interfered before I got to the whole "you don't love me, mom?" moment!

In fact, I was angry at Chris, so it wasn't like I was missing him. Because of his stupidity and forgetfulness, the kids' routine was ruined that night. And angry, that because he gets to walk in and out of their day as he pleases, and I'm left with the tornado aftermath. He doesn't 'do' homework. He doesn't get the letters from the teacher. He doesn't deal with the kids being overtired because they didn't get it done earlier. He doesn't have to wake them early to finish it, and still make sure they're on the bus on time, pulling teeth the entire morning. He doesn't deal with their attitudes. Daddy's time is always rainbows and unicorns and all that crap.

Went to go double check the locks on the doors downstairs, where a little voice, cracking, called out my name as I shut the bedroom doors. "Mom?"

"yes, huney."

"My eyes hurt. I am not happy."

"I know sweetheart. Go to sleep. We are tired. I love you"


I hate bad days.

A, B, C, D, E, ...G, H, I

Talking on the phone to Will. The other line beeps in. I recognize the number.

*Commence heart racing.*

D: Oh Crap. Hey, can I call you back? It's EF.
Will: yah, okay.

*click*
D: Hello?
EF: Hey!
D: uh, how are you?
EF: Good. You?
D: well, I called the other day because I wanted to apologize for you feeling uncomfortable the other day.
EF: *laughs* well, YOU didn't do anything.
D: technically, no, but I am sorry that it didn't work out the way it should have. I knew he was going to talk to you, but I had kinda thought that you'd be the one to decide if that happened or not. I'm sorry that wasn't your choice, and you felt upsetted by it.
EF: Thanks. No, I wouldn't have ever called him.
D: well, that was your choice. I'm sorry you didn't get to make it.
...
...
..
But, the other thing *commence shaking and rambling* is that, ... well... I don't know what you know. Well, seeing as I haven't talked to you since I saw you last, I know you DON'T know. But the papers are in, and Chris and I are divorcing in a few weeks. He's out of the house now Pretty much after you left (on vacation)-- nearly, RIGHT after.
EF: WHAT? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know, no, but last time I was here, I thought you two were trying to work it through.
D: well, that's just it. The last time you were here, I pretty much realized that I couldn't have him around. Having him around was a constant reminder of pain. I love him, and it's not because he did anything wrong, but... I need to move on and having him here doesn't let that happen. *Big breath. Commence silent tears and more shaking, voice faltering. * Which is why I need you out too. I mean, I love you, and... I just... I'm shaking like crazy... I just... but seeing you reminded me of that pain.
EF: just seeing my face?
D: no. Having the kids back in the home... just... everything. I reread my journal from that time, too, and realized that I was in the same place emotionally then as I was now. I mean, I had gone through so much, and grown in lots of ways, but that I was still no further ahead. And that wasn't okay with me. I realized that, although I honestly do forgive you, and love you, *commence out loud crying now, sniffing, voice still shaking and cracking* and will miss you like crazy, I realize you're a part of my life I need out. Like Chris, you are a reminder of that pain.
EF: it's okay, hun. It's probably better for both of us in order to progress in our lives.
D: yah. I enjoyed our friendship a lot, but kinda know, and... I'm trying to be nice and not offensive because I don't want that... but that our friendship wasn't what I thought it was anyways.
EF: I know. It is now, though.
D: I know. When you called to tell me he called, I really appreciated that, and knew that our friendship was different. Which is why I don't think I was able to tell you then, when I should have.
...
...
*tears*
I'm so sorry. I've never told anyone to get out of my life, and I love you and this is really upsetting me. I'm sorry I couldn't be that friend you need.

EF: No, I understand. Hey, don't worry, hun. It wasn't your fault. ...

But I will wave at you, or say hello, if we happen to pass each other on the street or something.

*silence*

D: I can be friendly. There's no reason not to be. But I don't want you to phone me, or try to set up dates with the kids or anything.
EF: Okay. I love you too. And, don't worry. You can always change your mind later. Who knows.

*Crying*
D: I gotta go. I'm sorry. I love you.

*Click*


The shaking has still not stopped.

Like All Friday the Thirteenths

• Like all divorces, there's a new 'hang up'.

Chris never took the Parenting After Separation course that we were both supposed to take last summer. I took it, but he never did. The judge has our papers in his hand-

Now we are waiting for him to take that course to be done with it. More waiting.

• Like all affairs, there's sometimes residual hurt.
  

Yesterday, I got a phone call. I knew the number on the caller ID- and was surprised to see it was EF calling from work. She said she wanted me to know that Chris called her just now. When I explained that I knew he wanted to talk to her, she informed me that she didn't want to speak with him. I thanked her for telling me right away. It showed some change in her character.

I hung up after a few more words. Shaking. It's too hard to have her in my life. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I needed her out of my life. I just couldn't do it. I don't know how I am going to do that. I've never once purposefully told someone to get out of my life. I'm not that type of person.

Chris called a minute or so after to tell me he tried calling her. By then, I was crying and shaking and not well emotionally. But glad he, too, told me. He says it was the closure he needed. So for that, I am thankful for his sake. I did say I wasn't into talking at that time, though, hung up the phone and cried more. Not out of hurt, but out of bad memories.

• UNlike all divorces, I have a great Ex.

He called later on in the day. to check on me. To ask if, maybe he could come over and order pizza for me so I didn't have to think about dinner. Asked if I was sure that I didn't want him to take the kids this weekend in case I needed the break. Talked to me about coming to church on Sunday to watch Jeremy's scripture in Primary and how Will will be there. That will be the first time they'll really 'meet' since we started dating. (They first met on the same night that *I* met Will)

Talked to me about my journey to higher spirituality. About meetings I have coming up, and parts of the refining process. He knows I'm sad about it. And was genuinely loving in expressing his sympathies to me.

I have a great Ex.

• Like all long-distance relationships, I'm excited to see Will this weekend.

I am pretty lucky to have found a guy who gets that, sometimes, I just need a day. A day to be away from the computer or phone. A day to collect my thoughts. A day to digest. Or a day to be sad... maybe even TWO days! I am grateful for that mutual understanding, where I don't feel like I have to apologize for tears over a failed marriage. Even if I know the 'failure' was a blessing in disguise.

I'm pretty lucky that he thinks I'm kinda something sorta maybe special too.

Inner Dialogue

Did you know I've started this post three different times, read it, and deleted it again? yah. It's like my writing mojo is gone.

Mostly because I'm afraid to put something 'out there' when I feel so hopelessly vulnerable lately. Like I'm so fragile. I mean, I'm FINE, but I get hurt so easily lately. It's really kinda annoying to fret over such insignificant things.

I am really doing good. Really. I mean, I'm emotional, but in fact I'm feeling much more peace with my choice. I am happy right now without Chris here.

But, let's remember, I love him. And watching him break down into a cry I've never seen, in ALL our nearly 9 years together, was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to see. His grief is so deep. It's like he finally SEES it. He finally feels it. And part of me, watching him break down into such a deep-rooted painful release, just wanted to take it all back. "Come back home" "Let's stay together" "I can do this". And yet. I know that's not the right course for me. I know that as soon as I felt like saying those words, I felt wrong about them.

I said to him that I used to think that he broke my trust. But I'm coming to believe that it's not broken. It's amputated. Gone. It's not able to be 'regrown', after so many other issues. Broken bones get healed. But this is bigger than that.

Love is not all you need. I wish that was the case.

To top it all off, I don't like who I've become when I'm with him. The trust issues are too big on my side, and I'm becoming a fearful, paranoid, secretive, untrusting person. I don't like that. I don't need to be that.

One Year "Suck"iversary Today

Sorry, followers (and any lurkers out there).

I am not in the mood lately.
I cried much too much this weekend.
I am angry and hurt and reliving it all.

It's part of the process. The ups and downs.


But I have received a blessing. And had some peace. And cried. And learnt and grew and reflected.
And I will be fine in a day or two. Maybe in an hour or so, even.
Who knows.
I just know eventually I'll write. I'm sorry if you wonder where I am. (I know, how narcissistic of me! lol)

Giveaway. That's all Folks.

I want to blog. But I'm tired. Although I have stuff to say.
So instead, you get this.

A giveaway you may want to check out. My girlfriend has a website to check out with some cute stuff, including this pendant, if you're into this type of stuff.
Go here.

Yah.
That's it for today. I'm just too tired to get all emotionally involved in some "Valentines Day as a single mom" post. blah.

Besides, this is a tough weekend for me.
One year on monday since EF's husband told me about the affair. So I'm pretty blah lately. I WILL post eventually. And beware the bitterness and anger. They're kinda brewing lately.

Why I Am Not Sleeping

Friend says:
hey are you ok?
(Friend here is someone who knows me strictly through facebook. We met once, when she came to town. She and I have been together through everything in the past year regarding the affair and such, and her life too: including the engagement of her to her sweetheart, and the joy in that, only to have him suffer a major heart attack while she was out getting the invitations chosen. He died October 19th. )

Debbi says:
yah
I hate 'heart to hearts' lately.
I'm such a basketcase.
headcase.
blahhh
Friend says:
are you 2 doing better?
still dating?
Debbi says:
no.
yes
he lives here,
but I think I'm close to telling him that he shouldn't
I don't feel peace lately, and I really want to. I don't know if I can find that with him here.
Friend says:
oh again?
and you felt peace when he was gone?
Debbi says:
He's ready to stop 'dating'... but my trust issues aren't ready for that.
yes. I did.
I felt peace for a while at the beginning of dating again, too. I felt peace until about the time I stopped the divorce papers because everyone else told me I should.
Friend says:
hmmm...ya I noticed when you were not with him...however much you can notice on facebook, it did seem you were happy
Debbi says:
but then... something... he's changed in good ways and bad, and I don't know what I can handle or can't. He's not done anything 'wrong'... and still, I can't let go and just love.
When we're playing and having fun, it's usually good.
but when we're just 'being', I feel scared, untrusted, not loved in an unconditional way
Friend says:
i know what you mean...dating is fun...but going back to the reality of being together makes it seem more real that your accepting what he did to you
at least with dating it was just that and then your life
Debbi says:
possibly, yes.
and I'm not sure I'm willing to 'give up' my victim status.
as dumb as that is to say
Friend says:
I totally understand
not at all
Debbi says:
I hate still hurting, Friend.
Friend says:
you have one life...well maybe more...but one life in this lifetime...you have to be happy
Debbi says:
What if I spend the rest of it unhappy that I left Chris- the person I thought I wanted for the rest of my life???
Friend says:
what if you spend it unhappy with Chris?
thats a hard question
Debbi says:
that's just the thing. How do I find out?!
Friend says:
both of them are
Debbi says:
yep
Friend says:
sounds like you do need more time
alone
Debbi says:
I know. but he's not 'there'... and it'll hurt him.
and I think I'd die if I found out I wanted him back and he's moved on.
Friend says:
cause if you hurt already now and it's still not totally official, it just kinda says your not ready and you may never be
Debbi says:
I'd never forgive myself for something I didn't need to do.
Friend says:
yes you would
Debbi says:
my three kids in the mix.
never loving anyone this much
Friend says:
because if it's so easy for him to move on then you know it just wasn't meant to be and your better off with someone who would wait for you
not a lifetime...but as much time as you may need
Debbi says:
I know. but still, that's scary.
Friend says:
for sure it is
i feel the same way...what if I never love anyone as much as I loved (my man) and right now I can't even imagine I could possibly
Debbi says:
yah.
Friend says:
but thats ok...cause thats just right now
Debbi says:
but you've only had a few months
Friend says:
it's not tomorrow
and I don't know what will come tomorrow...nobody does
Debbi says:
I feel like this has drug on too long
that's true
Friend says:
but as long as I tell myself to just be happy right now then I get through today
Debbi says:
are you avoiding 'feeling' though?
Friend says:
i may be
not on purpose though
Debbi says:
how is that not gonna bite you on the butt later on?
Friend says:
i don't think I do it intentionally
Debbi says:
oh
Friend says:
i have no idea
Debbi says:
hahaha, look at us.
Friend says:
I know I am in a support group
so I am doing what I should
Debbi says:
that's good, then
Friend says:
and I can't do more
if I want to cry I do
Debbi says:
I have a lot of support too.
good.
Friend says:
to me just because you ask yourself the question of weather you want it or not...says your not ready for it
Debbi says:
I dont' like that answer
Friend says:
hahaha
Debbi says:
I don't like EITHER answer
Friend says:
i know
when you were alone were you asking yourself if you wanted him back or did it just happen
Debbi says:
just happen
Friend says:
so you never asked yourself do i want him to come back???
things just moved in that direction
?
Debbi says:
no. at first, we talked about it just being what it was.
yes, they did.
we started enjoying the time more and more
and then, he moved a few things in.
then a few more (he needed them)..etc.
Friend says:
ya your not ready...you didn't even have to ask yourself questions when you were alone, but now half together half not your asking weather he should stay
Debbi says:
And then... he was 'ready' to be here, and I was still thinking we were 'dating'.
He's further ahead than me. but why am I not there now?
Friend says:
hmmmm....now Debbi..thats a silly question
Debbi says:
Isn't this what I wanted?!
Friend says:
why would you be...of course it's easy for him....he hurt you
Debbi says:
I hurt him too.
Friend says:
whatever
then he should have talked to you
and not slept with someone else to show you that you hurt him
Debbi says:
he did, just not in the words I would understand, I guess.
no, I agree with the last part
so why do I want to possibly date someone else? Probably for the same message to get across.
Friend says:
i don't know
Debbi says:
ha, thanks
Friend says:
sorry

Fragmented Sentences

I should blog.
I should talk about the conversations I've had in the past few days.

The lack of sleep. The tears. the hilarious conversations. everything.
There's just so much to touch on- conversations with people I've never met who can understand so much about my marriage and me. Who help me to see things from a different, yet understandable view.
Conversations with people who make me laugh. or cry. or think.
And lots of conversations with Chris. so many things. so many.
I'm working on not many hours of sleep. Since Thursday, I haven't gone to bed earlier than 3 am!

I could talk about Friday when EF brought her kids over. And I was working on 2 hours of sleep. And I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready to see her drop off her kids again in my home. I really want to be, but that day, it wasn't happening. She leans in for a hug. And I think that I'm not a 'friend-hugger' on the best of days..and today... today I didn't want to hug her at all!~ I just couldn't wait for her to pick up her kids. Not because of the kids... not at all. But because then I knew she was gone for a month. Like today's holiday, I could hide away for 6 more weeks. I wouldn't have to see her again until March.

I could talk about my date with Chris on Saturday night. How much fun we have when it's just us, out, together. And how, even with that, I still don't feel good to commit 100% to staying with someone who's willing to work on so many things. Maybe I'm the one who can't change my spots?

Issues Episodes: Fighting the Help

I hate taking Tylenol. I hate taking ANY drug.

So the thought that this could be a chemical imbalance freaks me out.

I've had depression before. I got help then. It took a few months of struggling with KNOWING I needed drugs, but being too afraid to ask for them. What if I couldn't 'convince' the Dr. I needed help? What if he didn't believe me? What if I was just overreacting to having a new baby and I was simply tired? What if it was just a stressful few months?

But what is it about admitting that you need drugs for a mental reason that has such a horrible stigma attached to it. I'm going clinically crazy!? I can't control the thing that's supposed to control me? I talk to myself?! (okay, honestly, I DO. And I like it. So what?!) I got help. Because I needed drug intervention.

I am not sure that what I have *today* constitutes as 'drug-worthy'. What if it's just the season? Just the time of the month? Just EVERYTHING else in these 'Issues Episodes'? What if it's not chemical. What if it's simple emotions? It's like asking for a blessing when you don't 'need' one. Misplacing a shoe doesn't require God's intervention (usually), so why would a silly emotional roller-coaster warrant medical attention?


No. Instead, I'm going to start from the inside. And by 'inside', I mean diet.
The book I'm reading, The Thrive Diet (by Brendan Brazier) has me all excited for next week.

I don't know enough yet, and I'm only on the first few chapters of the book, but this book is EXACTLY on par with my feelings on diet and exercise. The things said thus far make so much sense to me.

I'm not saying things will all just pop up roses and lily pads once I change my diet. But it's a start. From there, I'll take the next step.

In the process of getting these 'issues' out, I've actually been able to feel a LOT better. They don't go magically away once I pen them, but they're not festering inside me anymore. Now that this is the last "Issues Episode".. at least, for the scheduled program part...I've thought of replying to your comments, but instead, I'll just put that every comment or personal email to me was greatly appreciated. I feel supported and loved, and I am thankful for your expressions of compassion and concern. So thanks.

There.
That's me condensed into a week of posts. Me inside the deepest fears and thoughts of my head. Nothing held back in these posts. Besides, that would have made the whole process futile.

Now we'll go back to silly, fun, and slightly neurotic posts! ;) okay, I'll probably come back to these issues once in a while-- most likely! ;)

Issues Episodes: Believing What I Believe

Before I start, if you're not LDS, you possibly won't understand much of this post. I'll do my best to explain, but most things are kinda just 'societally' understood in the Mormon Culture. We have our own language: Being "a member", HFPE, Relief Society, Visiting teaching, Home teaching, Callings. We have our own 'culture': burning shirts as missionaries,


Going on girls' camps, or Trek, 3-hour blocks of church every Sunday, clothing or jewellery we don't wear, clothing we DO wear.


Things I've grown up with. And things I love. I think it's a phenomenal religion, and, in spite of researching many others, have firmly believed that this is the one I would have chosen on my own, given the option of not being born into it.

But some things I don't believe. Some things I'm afraid to SAY OUT LOUD to anyone. Things I disagree with.

I hate being 'one foot in' in the church. I hate being 'one foot out' as though I'm a hell-bound heathen.

But, although I feel happy there, and it feels like where I want to be FOR ME and my kids, I feel like the true message is getting lost. I feel like I'm more judged by others than accepted for those issues. I love my ward; the people in it, and the leadership. But something isn't right. I feel like the messages we're all preaching AND BELIEVE IN are hardly followed. Forgiveness. Love. Charity. Compassion. They're there, but so many times, in the SMALLER instances, they're not.

I made promises in the Temple that I can't keep. I can't keep them because I don't believe in them. I don't WANT to keep them falsely. I don't want to act like one person, when I know that's not me. I don't want to be uncomfortable in a place where I should feel peace. Because I don't feel peace there. I never really have. And I tried for nearly 8 years. Trust me, I tried. Do I think it's a great place? yes, for those who believe it to be. It's beautiful! Inside and out!! Some of these buildings are some of the most beautiful buildings in the world. It's quiet inside. It's spotless inside. It's a great place to meditate. But it's not a place for me. I don't know if it ever will be. But today, I don't think so.

The temple is such an integral part of our church. Can I believe in the gospel without believing in the temple? Illogically to most, I believe I can. To most members, though, they would answer no. Chris supports my attendance and involvement in church. For those who speculate because he's not LDS that these are my reasonings-- I came to these conclusions without Chris. During the summer. When I re-evaluated every choice I had ever made, and what future choices I wanted to make. If I left the church or stayed until the day I died, Chris will respect my choices because he knows I made them for ME.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to go what feels like against the grain and do what makes me happy without being a hypocrite. Finding spirituality is such a personal thing. I'm not afraid to feel what I feel. I'm just afraid to admit it, for fear of being shunned or labeled.(kay, seriously, I love this photo. That was a great night for photos, Kare!)