Not Me Monday- Moving

I am NOT still sick. I did NOT, however, take some serious drugs this weekend to get back to my normal amazingly awesome self.

Life is NOT starting to feel back to normal again. I do NOT need a buttload smidgen of routine in order for me to NOT function, and now that the wedding is NOT over and I am NOT settling in to this small-town life, I can NOT finally get it together.

This week, my kids do NOT have 2 days off! I know, school only started 2 weeks ago, and already they have TWO days off... I do NOT remember when I went to school, and did walk up hill both ways, carrying my shoes in my hands with plastic bags on my feet, in the snow, for 50 miles. And, NO, I did NOT have days off every two weeks.

We did NOT have last-minute dinner guests yesterday, and NOPE, I did NOT feed them whilst sitting on rubbermaid buckets around the table. Both of our children did NOT eat in the living room, on the (blue carpeted) floor. That would be just rude, and I would NEVER do that to dinner guests. This was NOT bad enough, but to top it off, I did NOT inwardly freak out, considering it was Will's Ex's extended family, and I did NOT worry about making a good impression. I am NOT pleased to say that they were very nice and friendly, in spite of my dirty house. And, in case you're wondering, I did NOT overcook the asparagus to a nasty utterly delicious green goop. I do NOT hate the craptastic flat-top stove and oven here at the house, and my prissy city-girl inner cook does NOT miss her gas stove from the Calgary house.

I am NOT thankful that my parents brought the kitchen chairs from that house later last night- too late for the dinner guests, but great just the same. I am NOT also excited about bringing ALL of my stuff later this week. I am NOT demanding hosting a cleaning party at my house, for those interested! :) BYOC, BYOTC, BYOLW. -- bring your own chairs. And toilet cleaner. And lysol wipes.

I did NOT buy Hallowe'en candy already. Nope, NOT ME! I do NOT have a weakness for the peanut-butter ones. It is NOT Chocolate Wednesday, and I am so NOT cheating! I have also NOT eaten the box all. by. myself.

This does NOT remind me that X-Weighted is starting up that "where are they now" website. It is NOT a bad idea for me to be eating all that chocolate just before they launch. And, apparently, my episode is NOT airing all week, too.

BUT, on the other side of the fat scale, I did NOT wear "the skirt" to church yesterday. This skirt is one that my mother did NOT wear when she was young-- (bought in 1975), and it is NOT the skinniest article of clothing I have. I did NOT wear it when I was a teen, and it was NOT my goal skirt to fit into when the TV show ended. I did NOT force my fat thighs into that skirt yesterday. I did NOT do a little dance of joy that I got the zipper up. And then, when the day was over, I did NOT do ANOTHER (completely ridiculous) dance to try to get it off. NOPE, NOT ME. I would NEVER nearly pull off my left buttcheek in order to get the thing off! I am NOT >this< close to marathon training again going for a few runs with Will to get back into shape.

Happily Ever After

The dress is bought! But that WASN'T the best part of the night.

No, NOT the dress.

I went to my final fitting. Again, not the best part.

You see, earlier in the afternoon, I was busy online, when I found a website that featured my X-weighted show. So, for the first time in, like, a YEAR, I watched the very beginning of the show, and the very end. Again, I HATED watching it, as I know what was happening behind the scenes and I hate how naive I look now. But, I like watching the physical change.

My 'before' photo I sent in with my application. Click for full fatness overload!

The other day, a publicist from the show asked me if I'd be willing to do a follow-up interview for the website they're launching in the fall with 'where are they now' information.

Of course, the first thing she asked, is did you keep the weight off? Are you still living a healthy lifestyle?

At the beginning of the show my measurements were 41.5 bust, 40 waist, 48 hips. At the end of the show, they were 35.5 bust, 32 waist, 41 hips.

It's been two years since filming began, and about a year and a half since it ended.


And last night, they took my measurements for the dress.

Last night? My measurements were 38 bust*, 32 waist, 38 hips.
The best part of the night- I knew I wasn't falling into my OLD life again. I was happy that I was a "permanently" changed person. I was happy that, when she asked me where I was now, I could report that I was divorced from Chris and engaged to be married to a wonderful, LDS man, my visions of a large family would come true, Will loves me no matter WHAT the scale says, and I was happy and healthy. It's happily ever after, and it hasn't even officially started yet.


*bust is obviously not the same- but that's understandably easily explained.

Looking Back

So, I'm part of a group called 20 Something Bloggers, and they have a contest on right now. You can read all about it here. It explains it all there, but in short, this post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers! And come on, guys, it's ICE CREAM!! I'm a sucker for something yummy! (VL)

In order to participate, I just pick a post from my first 2 months in blog-land that shows where I was mentally and, like, deep inside my head. So, here it is.... It's funny how much has changed since then. How much we know now.

Let's go back to May 24th, 2008. (since I technically started blogging in April 2008)

****

"My Last Secret"

My kids know now, so the 'cat's out of the bag,' so to speak. Now, it's time to let you know what's been going on in my life to the extent of what my children know.

Tonight, we told my three kids that Chris will be leaving June 1st. He's going to go live somewhere else for at least the month of June, possibly returning in July, possibly not returning at all. This decision has been in the works for about 4 months now. It's hard to fully explain everything to everyone, as some details are more meant for family and some are just meant for Chris and I. But some things need to be said.

Chris and I love each other. If you saw the X-Weighted TV show, you'll see that there are issues with Chris' desire to be married. It's not about being married to me specifically, but about being part of a family. And we both know that no marriage will survive if both parties aren't FULLY committed to working on it. We have done so much growth in these past 4 months, more than can be shared. We have learned how to communicate in a whole other language. We have learned what we each NEED versus WANT in a marriage, and neither of us believe that the other should have to lose their needs just to stay married.

Because I love him so deeply like I do, I know this is essential to his growth. There's no other option. And our marriage counsellors and clergy are behind us, working with us and guiding us in proper directions. We aren't fighting or angry. We are doing this for the betterment of our marriage, the betterment of ourselves and in time, the betterment of our children. They deserve to be part of a family where love, respect and commitment are strong and obvious. If I can't find that in this marriage, with God's plan, I hope to find it elsewhere. They deserve that. As do I.

Ask questions. It's okay to be confused and sad and even angry... It's the same thing we told our children. The next few days are going to be tough-- prayers tonight invoked tears from both LL and Bear for their father's choice. They asked me lots of questions, and I believe LL cried herself to sleep. Bear is still awake, and asked me to sleep in bed with him. Obviously, they're going to be dealing with the aftermath of their father's choices for a long time. I just hope that the positive in the long run outweighs the negative we feel now.


***
Wow. Back then, I hadn't yet spoke of Chris' affair. No one knew who EF was.
I hadn't yet spoke of why he wasn't returning.
I hadn't met anyone that I thought I could love more, or who could love me.


I am so glad I'm not there anymore.

Not Me Monday.

It's NOT that time again-- hosted by MckMamma, here's another week's version of NOT ME MONDAY.

So, I was NOT making breakfast for Mimi this morning, when I did NOT see two bags of macadamia nuts on the pantry shelf. I totally am NOT craving White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies now! Unfortunately, I do NOT have to go to the grocery store this morning if I'd like to make those, seeing as the stash of white chocolate chunks in my Pantry is so NOT plentiful. As IF I keep that type of stuff in my cupboard! I'm always NOT worried that Paul will all of a sudden show up and raid my food cupboards again, like on the X-weighted TV show! ;)

I am NOT happy about finally attending my own ward yesterday. Seems like, well, a month of Sundays since I had been there, what with holidays, conference, and travelling to temple-city to visit Will.

Will is NOT teaching me soooo much about myself. I do NOT feel a different sense of respect from him than I've felt from any man before. I do NOT enjoy spending HOURS discussing our fears and our futures, reading journal excerpts and do NOT enjoy the growth of our relationship while watching him 'semi' parent my kids, and him watching me. It is NOT odd for me to remember that we're both "dating" each other's children too, and that's just the way it is with single parents. I did NOT get a long email from his ex, after the post that was SOOOO not intended to start as much drama as it did!! It was NOT a nice letter, to which I was grateful for.

I was NOT slightly annoyed with Chris again this weekend. Not because of something he technically 'DID', but.... well. Friday night he did NOT want to come see the kids after work. I do not have a problem with that, and know that my kids do NOT need that time with their father. I did NOT plan my 'movie-date night' with the monkeys like we have done often. I did NOT expect Chris to have better things to do after dinner (although, I did NOT forget that his girlfriend was out of town, so technically, he DIDN'T have anything else to...ahem... do). I was NOT a bit put-out when he did NOT decide to stay through the movie with us. It did NOT make me feel kinda intruded upon seeing as it was MY evening with the kids and my 'thing' with them, but I did NOT keep my mouth shut about it. In those type of moments, I do NOT appreciate that, as another single dad, Will can explain Chris' side a bit, and do NOT understand that my comfort is not more important than my children's need to be near their father as much as possible. And, yes, even Chris' need to be near his children.

I am NOT annoyed with the rabbits in my area who keep eating all my flowers! I did NOT plant over 150 bulbs last fall, and am sure that 140 have been dug up and eaten already. grrr. I am NOT considering killing the mo fos with some serious poison or pellet gun some drastic action against said hoppers. I'm not a fan of bunnies/rabbits/hares to begin with, seeing as I have a permanent scar on my arm from a rabbit bite. It's NOT a big scar that people are always shocked about when I say a bunny did it. I may or may NOT have deserved the bite, as I was 8 years old and did NOT scold the bunny immediately after he was NOT done mating. Word to the wise, post-coital rabbits do NOT need a bit of down time before you get them all angry at you.

I do NOT have a nice quiet week. It is NOT cold and snowing yet again, and I am NOT looking forward to MAY!!!! YAY.

I am NOT going to go make those cookies now. tee hee. I do NOT want to discuss what the scale is saying lately. :)

I just wanted this Hemp plant for the seeds, I swear!

So, it has officially began.

I am a vegan! AHHHH.
well, I'm eating like one. I don't know if there's a way to be officially certified, inducted into the status of "Vegan", but hey, one day at a time. In my attempt to 'Make the Change', I figure that eating whole, healthy foods is a good change to make.

I went grocery shopping last night with the kids, as Chris is out of town for 2 weeks for business. I loved buying foods I've never bought before. I loved having a cart FULL (yes, brimming over the top) of veggies and fruits and nuts and seeds and legumes. Of course, the kids need 'regular' lunches-- so there were eggs and bread and milk and drink boxes in there too. But in general, I have NEVER been more 'proud' to walk through the checkout. Knowing, no matter WHAT someone saw come out of my cart, if they had seen the show, they'd be impressed. lol

Today I'm off to a health-food store, though. Safeway doesn't sell hemp seeds or agave nectar. Apparently, hemp is a good protein. ??? yah, little Mormon girl over here-- never bought any marajuana-related products. I'll repent after, no worries. lol

My energy is still good, but my belly kinda hurts. Me and the bathroom are getting much more reaquainted as my body cleanses the extra guck out. Lots of fiberous veggies and whole foods- it's awesome feeling my body actually USE the food. I had a headache the first day, but that might just be plain old sugar withdrawls.

I'll keep you updated on this. Tonight's dinner looks really yummy!

Issues Episodes: Weight loss

Trying to explain this one isn't easy. In fact, there's LOTS of people I know who struggle with weight. Lots of people who have lost weight, who have wanted to lose weight.

This isn't about that.
This is about fear.

I can't gain weight. I mean, I CAN, physically, but mentally, gaining weight would be the death of me.

Which is partly why I'm here today. Dying mentally.
First off- no, I am not bulimic. Someone asked that. Frankly, that's gross, and I like my teeth too much for that.
Secondly, I'm not anorexic. Cha. Right. I like food.

When I get sad, I eat. Junk. When I get sadder, I don't eat. ANYTHING. it's just not something I want to do, find joy in, or remember needs doing. Food is so-- so-- low on my priorities. Blah blah, I'm well aware of health risks associated with that. Blah. Tell that to my body, that LITERALLY dejects food that comes in more quantity than a few snap peas and maybe a glass of club soda. Yah. My diet for the past few days.

And yet. THAT diet, I am still the same weight I was on December 1st.

Worst of all, I have TRIED to "Make the Change". I am training for a marathon. I should have dropped a pound or 20 in the past 7 weeks.

Nope. not one. Not even 1/2.

1) it's winter. We all put on weight in the winter, as it's a primal reaction to the cold weather.
2) I changed birth control to a hormone-based IUD. no, I don't need birth control.. I like not having a period... or so they assure me will happen eventually.
3) I'm building muscle
4) I'm stressed
5) I'm not sleeping properly
6) my diet, although it's not horrible, isn't great

pick one. Let's blame the stubborn scale on that.

What number will make me happy? 130? 120? 100?

Alas. It's a number. I'm not dumb-- I know these things. But you don't get it. You don't' get what it mentally does to me. Am I obsessed with the scale? yes. I spent nearly 6 months being TOLD to be obsessed about what the scale said. Being judged based on what the scale said. I am STILL judged based on that scale... I am still on TV, I am still followed by people who want to know how my weight issues are going. In fact, the BIGGEST google-search word for this blog is "Debbie X-Weighted". So, naturally I'm a bit worried about it. I may have chosen to bring the TV show into my life, but I was unaware of what that all entailed. I did not think it would change the way I view weight-gain and weight-loss. I didn't think it would follow me so long after the airing.

And yes, I'd still do it again. I needed it. And I like the attention from others. I like that others felt inspired by me. I like that people are curious about how I'm doing today. I just don't like the pressure I put on myself.

Red Bull, Xendarine, ephedrine and caffeine are my vices.

Am I worth anything if I'm not thin and skinny and tight? If we stay together, my need to want to please Chris (and me) drives me to push myself to be a person I don't think I can PHYSICALLY ever be.

I think I'm pretty, I think I have a lot to offer mentally and spiritually and emotionally. Physically?

I need to keep up with Mrs. Jones down the street. To be thin like her. Thin like the girl beside me at church. Thin like my friend. My sister. My daughter.. PICK SOMEONE. I need to be thinner than me.

Do these pictures inspire me? -yes. Are they realistic inspirations? - somewhat. I made them for fun initially. But there's something much deeper there. I am thankful you don't see how I look at those photoshopped pictures. I am thankful you don't see how I look at myself in the mirror.

This Was the Year.

It's the last day of December. And, in previous years, I've done this meme and it's always fun to look back on. After SUCH a crazy year, these answers may prove difficult to answer, or blatantly obviously easy. Okay, here goes:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
drank alcohol

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions. Every day should be a new attempt at being better, not every year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
At my age, EVERYONE is giving birth. But my sister CC did, to baby Tiny. This is her with her cousin R-guy. Cutest babes of the year!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
luckily, no. Not that I recall.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada and the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A healthy, secure relationship

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 16th- found out about EF. June 1st- Chris moved out.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
living on my 'own', losing weight, and emotionally dealing.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm not sure, but I'm sure SOMEONE will let me know! ;)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing big, no. Emotional injury was about it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The girls. The sisters. The Twins. .... b@@bapalooza.12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Wow. A HUGE list of people. Friends who lost weight and maintained healthy lifestyles; my sisters and brothers for MANY various things I'm proud of them for; my parents, their renovations, the million things they do for others; Chris' changes, his outlook; many friends having babies, changing relationships, finding themselves...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?
Chris'. EFs. Some spouses of my girlfriends. Beau's.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Uh... I had money? Probably to food! These dayhome kids eat a LOT! And mortgage. On frivilous things? Clothes-- I went through many sizes this year, so I had to revamp ALL my clothes- from pants and dresses to bras and panties.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Family Reunion in August.

(Awww. brotherly love. Slightly funny, slightly cute, and VERY disturbing!)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
TOO MANY! I have almost a song-a-day kind of life. In general, "I Wish" -Jo Dee Messina, and "Stay"- Sugarland

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner, although, it's almost the same
iii. richer or poorer? richer in ALL ways

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
counselling, working out, playing with my kids, travelling, eating healthier

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
gossiping, Facebook

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home. In Lethbridge with family for dinner. (this has already happened, so it's kinda tough to answer for NEXT year!)

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes. Over again.

23. How many one-night stands?
HAHAHAH. Seriously!? This questions makes me laugh every year. Oooh, let's answer this in a way to get people all worried...
uh...
"I never slept with anyone when Chris wasn't there!". hahaha.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Prison Break. the ONLY show I dont' answer the phone in the middle of.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don't 'hate' people.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Five Love Languages

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lady Ga Ga, I guess. I love LOTS of artists, but most of them aren't new. Although Uncle Kannie introduced me to lots of good musicians while he lived here.

28. What did you want and get?
Personal clarity to find happiness, a new boyfriend, a happy relationship

29. What did you want and not get?
Personal ownership of personal decisions

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Out of this list, I haven't seen many films of 2008. FAVOURITE?? Sex and the City, the movie, I guess. Other than that, in no particular order, I saw: Baby Mama, Made of Honour, Drillbit Taylor, Fool's Gold, The Lazarus Project, Kung Fu Panda, Tinkerbell, WallE, 21, What Happens in Vegas, Madagascar 2, Ironman, Mamma Mia, The Dark Knight, and 27 Dresses.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I trick-or-treated with the kids. Chris took me to Banff for the weekend. I turned 28.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

• I'd say "no affair", but that was in 2007 (mostly), and secondly, I think that the inner things that came out of that storm have been INCREDIBLY satisfying. I would have that pain again to have this joy and enlightenment.
• Less care for what others think about me.
  

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Evolving. I went from frumpy wife to thinner wife to thinner single-girl.

34. What kept you sane?
walks with the girls when I needed them the most!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i don't like celebrity/public figures like that. I guess Wentworth Miller... but not really.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The voting in the USA between Obama and McCain. The Coalition here in Canada.

37. Who did you miss?
Chris. Family.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met lots of people this year, but lots of them I only know through computers, so we haven't really "met". People because of the TV show, mostly.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
When you listen to what your heart says, you may stand alone, but you'll live with no regrets.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now-
Mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm too tired to listen.
I'm too old to believe
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
I try,
But its too hard to believe.
I try,
But I can't see what you see.
I try.
I try.
I try.
My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you Baby,
But I cant stay and watch the sitting burn;
Watch it burn.
'Cause I try,
But its so hard to believe!
I try,
But I can't see where you see.
I try.
I try.
I try.

My Christmas Letter

It's the week before Christmas,
I'm getting out the 'poem'
to tell you what's new
in my slovenly home.

No envelopes needed,
no buying of stamps.
No, this year's ol' faithful
is FULL of revamps.

Oh, don't think that this one
is same as the last;
for this is the year
I don't give a rat's.....!

Just kidding. No blue air.
(See, I've learned some new phrases)
In fact, I've learned TONNES!
Let's all sing blog praises!
Besides, we're not mentioning rodents or mighties.
Or surprises I find when I'm checking kids' di-dees!


Okay, January was chalk full of fun!
I met the X-weighters. All seven of them.
(okay, so there might have been
only us five.
But the meter matched "se-ven".
*insert word-ends-with-"ive"*)

But the next month, oh baby,
is brim-filled with kindness.
When EF's lovely hubby
told me of our blindness.

I must confess, February's kinda a blur now.
No sleeping, no eating. But I made it! not sure how.

So onwards and upwards
to March through to May.
Come counselling at night
come working by day.
Come friends through each tear
come anger and hurt.
Come dealing with pain
and a whole lotta dirt.

But May brought the episode
all were tuned into,
With flame-special pants,
I told tales of my milieu!
I left makeup on Fred,
I left P'rogies with Paul.
And Chrystal can shove it.
Her 'self-help' and all! :)
But the best things I changed
were the pounds on the scale
and an outlook on life.
It was worth the travail!

And then May, as our "trial
month" came to a close
I sent Chris from the house
for a concrete repose.

I walked and I walked
with my girlfriends each night.
We'd laugh and we'd cry,
and make everything right.

My favouritest month, though,
was August, by far!
All my family together.
And nothing bizarre.
(well not counting my siblings,
cuz let's be honest, we ARE!)
Then off for 'vacation'
and road-trip to Utah.
For some LDS sightseeing,
and B@@bapalooza.

*sweet, I can't believe how those last two words rhymed.
You'd think that I planned that. Yah baby. Well primed!*
And Uncle moved out.
Which was not quite well-timed.
Time away from my walking and girlfriends just CLIMBED! :(

Then, back to AB for some work, school and play.
The whole month was over. The next on its way.
As Chris and I spent just a little more time.
Apparently, to be apart was a crime.
We're a wonderful pair,
so we dated a bit.
And we're still fig'ring out
if we two can 'MAKE IT'.
We're both in the midst of some "figuring out".
But so far, we work well, and we live without doubt.

We took in a friend who we feel was in need.
And, about that decision, QUITE a few disagreed.
A million more comments came out of the fray,
from family and friends. For the others? can't say!
Anonymous people from far and wide
gave opinions aplenty. I laughed, and I cried.
Perspective is everything. And nobody died.
And my household was fine with what I did decide.

Off to Banff for a birthday,
lots of fun to remember.
And before I knew it,
we're into November.
A quieter dayhome (the full-time kids moved)
but at least the status of my 'marriage' improved.
(Although, in this "newness",
we both feel much like rookies.)

Then I spent many weeks
making myriads of cookies!
And the eighth cookie party went off with a breeze
and we've many a cookie tucked in the deep-freeze.

And low and behold, here we are at the end.
Abasking in cold, but kept warm with good friends!

Good riddance to 2008,
dare I say?
If I never go through this again,
that's okay!

But I'd miss out on all of the learning this year.
And for 2009, I have not e'en a fear.
What I learned? Well, no matter what's thrown in my way,
SOMEONE from SOMEWHERE will have SOMETHING to say! ;)
So, I'm keeping it honest.
I loved year 'Oh-Eight.
And hope that the next one is simply as great.

And the theme of the year? Where's my marriage now at?
Will it rise to the top, or just simply fall flat?
Let's hope 2009 holds the answer to that!

Merry Christmas!
Good New Year!
And all of that stuff.
Now I'm off to drink eggnog and clean.
In the buff.

(dont' picture that, though.
I may be "X-Weighted"
But I have not ran the day's miles
for the marathon slated)
So maybe I'll be better off in my footslog
than trying to think up some rhymes for the day's blog!

Early to Bed and Early to Rise

.... makes me less tired and reduces my thighs.



No? That's not how it goes? Well, it was my mantra on the treadmill this morning!!!!

I did it already.
3 miles done for the day. Man am I glad for a treadmill- as the -15 degrees and slush and snow doesn't much appeal to my running self. On Saturday (the BIG runs), I'll go outside, but I'm grateful for the TV show. After doing the bootcamp in -42 (with windchill), I have some good 'keep-warm' gear and running boots/shoesy thingamajigs.

That's a good feeling- knowing that running for the day is not still on the 'to-do' list. I also think that it will help my energy levels through the day (at least, that's the big experiment). And I am hoping that my diet will be better too, as I find that when I exercise, I eat less and feel bad about eating junk.

Albeit, I've already had two timbits since my run ended 1/2 hour ago! lol. Okay, when the dayhome kid brings them, what am I to do!? ;)

I also had a dayhome child come over last night at 11:30 pm!!! Mom went into labour, so he slept here. So excited to see a new baby, but sad that this means Gray will be here even less as Mom takes maternity leave. Thank goodness for January 1st- I'll have THREE full-time children, with a possible fourth! that will make things SO much easier around here. I have to find someone to drive to get Bear from school, though, as I don't have enough carseats to safely transport him every day. I may pay another mom at the school to do it. Money in, money out.

Although, my freezer is getting a good cleaning lately! Those packages of stewing ground beef ribs that I didn't know what to do with-- now baby, WATCH OUT! (no really. Watch out. Could be poisonous, and quite frankly, I wouldn't eat it if I had the choice!!! ;) )



Last night I was "sad". You ever get those days? Where you're just sad? no reason?
I lost it on my kids, which is never fair, and...
get ready for this one...

I ALMOST fell asleep in the middle of Prison Break!!! What is WRONG with me!?!!!! (Don't answer that, dumb dumbs!)
Nothing a good night's sleep didn't fix and a morning run.

Me And Walmart are LIKETHIS!

I got Walmarted TWICE this weekend. In the course of a few hours!
I mean, I hardly EVER get Walmarted! Seriously!

Chris and I went out on a double-date with some new friends, and turns out they know Gaia too, so we talked about the show a bit. That's not being Walmarted, no. but LATER, we all went dancing. Some girl comes up to me and says "I went to school with you at IT in Edmonton.". UH? I did?!!!! lol I told her I had never lived in or attended school in Edmonton, but she was CONVINCED we knew each other. My friend laughed, and suggested that maybe she knew me from TV. When I told her I was on X-Weighted, SHE LIT UP and started RAMBLING for a while about how much she loves that show and all that stuff! TOO funny. She would NOT shut up about Paul and the other participants and how she JUST watched my episode (yah, I KNOW!).. funny funny. I felt bad for her if she thought that meeting me was significant in her life! lol

Then, Chris and I went to get some food after the club closed. We were sitting down in the restaurant, and some guy comes RIGHT up to our table. In a VERY thick, asian accent, he's all, "I seen you on TV!" (let's not forget, he's got the accent, but to make it HARDER to understand, he's visibly drunk, and we're in a crowded/noisy restaurant!) We smile and say yes, and then pal was so excited and started talking about how he knew it was us and how he saw it because it had the Calgary Tower in it.. (I'm sure that was SO important for us to know! lol) And then he leans in, and asks, "So, how your we-way-shonsip now?" We laughed again. I think it's funny how people think they 'know' us and how TV is so accurate! Too rich. We explained that TV is NOT a true indication of what our relationship was like, and, seeing as we're on a date a year later, HONESTLY, do you think it's that bad?! lol

Now, in fairness, they don't know HALF of the crap that was going on at the time. But they also don't know what was real and what wasn't. And, in the course of this year, there's been some MAJOR MAJOR changing done on both sides.

Anyways. Walmarted twice. Chris and I just shook our heads and laughed.

I put up the tree with the kids this weekend too! SO FUN! The missionaries came over to help, and we had lots of fun with sparkles EVERYWHERE! These Elders we have right now are PERFECT, and we enjoy their company. This week is also the cookie party, so I'm going to be busy for the next little while getting everything done. If I don't blog as much this week, you'll know why.

No More Reruns

When they aired the episode of X-weighted 6 months ago, I talked with a bunch of other participants from previous seasons. They said how much they hated watching their episodes years later, and I thought that was so weird- isn't it FUN to watch yourself on TV?

Yesterday, they reran the episode of mine.

And I got it.
I got how horrible it felt knowing people were once again subjected to my messy house! (haha, okay, actually, that part STILL makes me laugh. Man, Chris was a Flippin' slob on that show! LOL) I got it, how I hated being somehow brought back to that time in my life where I was so fat!!!! I hardly knew how fat I really was, but watching that show reminds me. Thanks for that. Diet starts again this morning!!!!!!
I got it, how it was still annoying to see my words somewhat twisted and put out of order from when I said them and why.
I got it, how rehashing the moments with Fred and the Ugly Cry (oh, HEAVEN HELP ME IN THE UGLY CRY) just makes me mad again. It is NOT a nightie-- it was a project. Ugly or not, I MADE that hideous dress. so pooh pooh on that! lol
But what I HATED the most about watching it again?

Watching it with new eyes. Watching the things I said, and what I didn't know was happening in the background with Chris. Watching me completely love him and kiss him at the end, knowing the whole time that he's thinking, "I'm cheating on her". I hated watching him 'watch' the kids who were EF's. I hated seeing EF's kids because it made me sad and I missed them. I hated having the flood of feelings I felt at the time rush back into my heart for a really pointless reason.

But I loved looking back on things then compared to this time last year. This time last year I was heading for that FRIKKEN FREEZIN' bootcamp in Canmore. It was -22 on the TV, but that's BEFORE the windchill. Running in -40' sucks, so you know! We were frozen for a few hours after that! This time last year I was stressed about a fitness routine that wasn't working, and a SCARY SCARY outfit.

Oh man, if I had only taken a picture on me in that outfit. WAIT A TIC... I think I still have the hideous thing in my basement! Ooooh, I'll take pictures. Just a sec.

Anyways, before I trek into the basement abyss for that outfit-a-sexyness, I'll finish posting.
Yah, watching it was hard.

But really enlightening. Chris and I just sat here and continued to laugh at the messy house part, and laugh at the date that, on TV, was SOOOO brutal-looking with his lame-oh necklace compliment! lol

We both agree that this time last year is not a place we ever want to revisit. It's not fun remembering what we were. We don't like it. I don't like being fat and naive, and he doesn't like being fat and deceitful. It's bittersweet to watch the episode, but I think I'm okay not seeing it again for a while! Maybe except for the messy house part. Or the laughable 'lets-sing-Love-At-Home- in-the-backyard-to-no-one" part! That's always good for a few laughs.

Burning Questions Answered

Here's your questions answered from the last post. If you still have more questions, add them to the post here, and I'll answer them.

• What are your feelings on your new "twins"? Would you change anything? How has it changed you if it has? Or your relationships? How BIG are they? -Anon #1 (although, I know who you are. BOOBS right back, silly! LOL) I LOVE THEM!! I thought, at first, they were too big. But they're settled now, and proportionate, and, incredibly, smaller than they were at the beginning of X-Weighted. So, I've in fact been BIGGER than this!! Whouda thunk?! I wouldn't change anything, no. It was a simple surgery, a great doctor, a great price, and I LOVE THEM. It makes me feel sexier, for SURE! I like wearing clothes (tops) MUCH more. I feel more like the 'me' in my head. My relationships? Well, considering that the only relationship I have is with Chris, it didn't change much. Yah, he thinks they're nice, but that's not a 'relationship changing' surgery. Or, in my opinion, it SHOULDN'T be! As for other friend-relationships: I don't know how they affected it-- why don't you tell ME!? Family: I am loved by people who may shake their heads at my choices, but love me anyways. They're great family. How big are they??? LOL-- SSSSEEEEECCCCRRREEETTTT!! LOL Okay okay. They're 32 Gs.
• Are you and Chris back together? -Anon #2 ( let's just assume that each Anon in this entry is a separate person) No, not really. We're talking about becoming such, and he spends a lot of time with us, but that will take a LONG time to decide. I will not rush into this. There's too much to discuss and determine and figure out before that is decided. See Anon #6's question for further conversation on this.
  
  
• Do you think I am crazy?! Do I sound as messed up as I think I do? (referring to last night) -DebbieJo DJo: This is something we could talk about personally. But no, you're not crazy. You're depressed and postpartum, which is something I have been and something I can definitely relate to. It is hard to be a new mom and a wife and a friend and a daughter and LDS and and and... sometimes things seem out of order and way above your head. That black cloud, as much as you WILL it to go away, just doesn't. I get you. Where you are is where I've been. But you need to find help. For real. And as much as the GVs can help you release your emotions, we're not professionals. Lastly, you already know what I have to say to you. You just need to start believing it. And you will, when you're ready.
  
  
• Are you sleeping with Chris? -Anon #3 I am not a private person, nor do I have ANY secrets.. But this is a sort of question that Chris would be upset that I answered because he'd feel it doesn't matter what the answer is-- you don't need to know. (See the following question about if he reads the blog.) You and I can both realize that no matter WHAT I answer to this, it will sound like a "yes", so basically, I'm doomed if I don't answer, doomed if I do. (If I answer, I've broken my agreement with Chris) Those who are close to me already know how I feel about the thought of sleeping with Chris, so if you don't already know, it's probably because we're not close and I don't feel the need to confide in you. (not trying to be offensive, but it's the truth. If I know you, and you asked me PERSONALLY - not anonymously or on a blog where strangers hide, I would answer you with a yes or a no)
  
  
• Does Chris read this blog? If so, what does he think of it?! -Anon #4 No, in general he doesn't read this blog. In fact, he hates this blog. He's only read a few entries... This one. (and the one that prefaced it) And This one. And this one he edited, as I was fairly upset and wanted to make sure that I didn't say something that would be misunderstood or hurtful. In general, he feels that I tell too many things to too many people (although, he knows that's just the type of person I am), and strangers who don't know him know more about him than some of his friends do. He doesn't like me sharing things about US, as he thinks it's not anyone's business. And he's right. So, since he's voiced that opinion to me, I've tried not to share our REALLY private conversations and respect that request from him.
  
  
• Do you pick your nose? -Kat Uh, YAH I DO!! Feels good, too! Seriously? Don't you?
• If, Heaven forbid, something awful happened to the kidlets and they were no longer here, would you regret being with someone who's had a vasectomy? Would you want more "birth" kids? Would you adopt? Or would you be "done", anyways? -Kare Kare, you're a brat! LOL Okay. No, I would never regret being with someone who's had a vasectomy. It's reversible, if we BOTH wanted to birth more kids. And secondly, I didn't decide to spend my life with his sperm! (hahahahah, that sounds SO gross) I don't think I'd want more 'birth' kids, no. I'd decide that later, but (assuming I'm with Chris) we HAVE three kids. They're still our babies. I would adopt, yes. I may adopt later in life, though, and get my nursing degree BEFORE that. THAT BEING SAID, if I wanted more kids and was married to someone ELSE (not Chris), I would consider having more birth babies.
• What do you do or where do you go if you want/need time for yourself? (I mean other than GV nights). -Claudine Well, other than TV or watching sappy movies, sometimes I run or go for a walk. Or I hit the stores. I'm a bit of a retail-therapy girl, although most times I enjoy just walking the mall and buying NOTHING.
  
  
• Anything you'd say to me that you don't?-Kiki No. I think you know me well enough to know that I pretty much love you to death and have said what I think about you to you already! LOL You already know you rock, you make me love you more and more each time I watch you dance (ROFL!) and you're WAY TOO PICKY about guys! hahaha. (meh, but what do I know about picking guys?!!!!) And lastly, any guy who 'keeps' you is in for the funniest, quirkiest, most talented, most loving and spiritually uplifting time of eternity.
• How on earth did you guys come up with GV, as the title of your girls night? (the real meaning of GV )I'm sure it's an interesting story! -Cheryl 8GVs stands for '8 Gothic Vaginas'. There's not 8 of us, before you ask. It started one night-- a very LATE night, while we were watching TV at one of our homes. We were watching MTV's Video On Trial. This one judge (this one) kept giving really funny 'verdicts', and, since EVERYTHING is funny when it's late at night, they kept getting better and better. At one point, she gave a video "8 Gothic Vaginas out of 10", and for some reason, we loved it. A few weeks later, a husband of ours commented that our stupid "cult" needed a name. We brainstormed, and when '8 Gothic Vaginas' was selected, it just seemed to work. Thus, 8GVs was born. Shirts and 'titles', hand signs, and logos came later. haha. Oh, and we only kill chickens every Third Thursday on full moons.
  
  
• Has it been hard to maintain you weight loss? What's your current weight? -Anon#5 Actually, no, it's not hard to maintain the weightloss. I am up about 10 pounds from the lowest I got (so, for those who are keeping track, I'm at about 147) but I also haven't been running AT ALL since returning from B@@bapalooza. That trip (well, the surgery, not the trip itself) put on 15 pounds. Then I lost about 10. Because of my no-running, I'm at about 5 pounds up. So, I'm gonna work on that, and hopefully keep going back to the 137 I was at. or less. healthy is most important to me, and without running, I'm starting to feel much less healthy.
  
  
• If you haven't gotten your "job", do you think it would of made a difference in your relationship with Chris, as it now stands. Do you think people can really be sincere and actually change and start over in such a short time? Do you ever worry about STD's? -Anon#6 Wow, three good ones. Funny, there's a lot of Anons interested in my love life. lol No, my boobjob didn't affect my relationship with Chris as it now stands. Like I've said many times, it was talked about YEARS AGO with him. More importantly,my body-shape isn't his type anyways. Not that anyone probably wanted to know, but Chris is a butt-guy, not a boob-guy. lol
  
  
  • (I'm double-bulleting this because your three GREAT questions are all very distinct and I don't want them to be lost or misunderstood) I do think it's possible for people to really be sincere and actually change and start over in short periods of time. I believe it can even happen overnight, like Alma the Younger. But, I'll assume here that you're talking about Chris or EF. Well, it hasn't been overnight. It's been months of therapy, months of HUGE changes to lifestyles, and months of serious contemplation and conversation. ANNNNDD, I'm not thinking 'Oh wow, they're perfect and 100% changed.' I'm taking things slowly with Chris for many reasons, one of them being to test how sincere those good changes truly are. And EF, I'm keeping at a distance for now.
    
    
  • I don't worry about STDs, no. I mean, I did, after the whole EF thing. But I MADE Chris get tested as soon as I found out, and I got tested a day or two after he did. We were both negative, thank goodness. So, I *DID* worry about it, but I don't today.
• Do you still have those HOLY CRAP days, or have you found a solution? -Marci BAHAHAHAH!!! yes, Marci, I have found a few solutions. :P Although, don't even YOU get HOLY CRAP days?!!!!! ;)
• What do you REALLY think about all your family members? Are there any you don't get on with or understand? Will you really tell truthful answers to all these questions or just what people want to hear? -Anon What I REALLY think about all my family members really depends on how far into my family we get. My kids and my husband; I think it's fairly obvious how I feel about them. My parents: see this blog entry . My sisters, although sometimes we don't agree on lifestyles or choices, are my biggest supporters and sounding boards and shoulders to lean on. They make me the happiest sister in the world. My brothers are similar, but a bond with sisters is hard to explain. I am lucky to be in their family. My grandparents and aunts and uncles, cousins and extended relatives are all special in different ways. But some I get along with better than others. Some I don't even talk to more than once every funeral or wedding. But none that I am 'fighting with' and none that I wouldn't be friendly to. With such a large extended family, there's bound to be some I don't 'understand'. But I also think that's because I don't really know some of them. I've felt judged by some extended family members, but they're my family. And don't we ALL have a few whack-jobs in our families? LOL
  
  
  • And yes. I have been 100% truthful in ALL these answers. My girlfriend, upon seeing this question on the last post, wrote an answer for me: "That's right, anon, you figured me out. I only started this discussion so that I could lie to everyone and fake you all out. I mean, why in the world would I bother to actually answer the questions you all took time to ask? You're right. I should just BS some of my answers, and see if you have the brains to figure out which is which." But, I actually think I'll answer it my way, although her way was entertaining.
    
    I don't really find a reason for telling lies on a blog about ME that *I* write. Lately, it's been something of a journal for me, and that'd be dumb of me to write 'history' incorrectly. Secondly, I don't know what people 'want' to hear-- and, given reactions to previous things in my blog, there's no way to say something to please EVERYONE! You may want one answer, while someone else wants another. It'd be like some people being happy if Chris and I stay together (which, there are many readers here and many non-readers who would be) and some people who'd like nothing more than for us to part (again, I know of some readers AND some non-readers who feel that way). I don't aim to do anything but inform and answer and bring you in to parts of my life as well as I know how. Besides, *I* get to decide, in my honesty, how MUCH information to share. tee hee hee
    
    I know there are a few readers who are going through (or have gone through) what I am currently going through. By being honest, I validate their feelings while validating my own. We are depending on each other so we don't feel as alone in a tumultuous time of life. It's good to have others who can relate. On the other hand, I want to explain what it's like to be in my shoes so that people who AREN'T going through this will hopefully be less judgemental to people who are because they've heard my heart and know what I'm feeling. I have learned that by being vulnerable and honest, people understand that (and can FEEL that) better than if I TRIED to be something I *think* people want me to be. Sorry for the Long-winded answer, but it's also the most important.
    
    
• Other than being a nurse, what else would you like to be or do? -Cyn I answered this before (see 57 or 69 on the link), but thanks a lot for paying attention, Chee! haha. I thought about being an interior decorator (I like home fashion, etc), or a psychologist/social worker. I have also thought that being an underwater basket weaving specialist would really float my boat. (har har har)

• What do you feel the purpose of your life is? Where do you see yourself in five years? If you now could tell you from before anything, what would it be? -Holy Mother Of God The purpose of MY life-- whoa. Although I'm still working on figuring it out FOR ME, I believe that life is a test. That we will return to God and be 'judged' based on our thoughts and actions. Good and bad. I believe, while I'm ON this earth, that I need to use my mortal body to lift others, to be a mother and to gain knowledge. I relate life to a 'Boy Scout' adage of "Leave things better than the way you found them" (ie: take out the garbage from the forest..ect). So, in THIS life, I hope that the world I leave behind is better for having me in it than worse.
  
  • In five years, I hope to be happily married. I hope to be in the middle of nursing school. I hope to be better financially stable and more prepared for emergencies. I hope to be healthy-- active and in good shape. And I hope to have as good friends as I have today. I havent' always had such good friends, so I hope it's not a fleeting blessing.
  • Me-Now would tell Me-From-Before nothing. I think that things are learned when we need to learn them, and ruining that would inevitably change everything after that. And I like the lessons I've learned. They make me stronger, more understanding, and more prepared for the NEXT lesson.
    Okay...actually, I'd tell Me-From-Before that it's a LIE that pregnant people are eating for two. That mentality made me WAY overweight when I didn't need to be. I may be eating for two people, but I don't need to eat , in chocolate, the WEIGHT of two people!