Six Word Saturday- Newlywed

Three weddings, two baptisms, one funeral.


My favourite part about being married so far (at least, the part I care to share with the world :) ) is falling asleep and waking up each day with Will beside me. Even on our honeymoon, he would wake before me and kiss me. Although I could go back to sleep, I didn't like that I was being woken up.

So, today, I asked him if he wouldn't mind just letting me sleep in without him waking me with a kiss. Not that I don't like his kisses, but because I rarely get to sleep in and I'm fighting a cold.

So he woke up, and while I was sleeping he left the room, unnoticed... just because he knew I wanted that, and because he wanted to make me happy.

I woke up without him there.
And I hated it.

It was NOT what I thought I wanted. And when he came back into the room while I was waking, I batted my pretty eyelashes, and conceded that he was right-- waking with a kiss is WAY better than sleeping in.

Today Will and I attended a funeral. What a week. It sure puts perspective on things when you attend funerals-- What will people say about me when I die? What little stories will they share?

It was a good time for reflection, so Will took me out to a lake nearby where we watched bats, listened to coyotes and counted satellites and shooting stars. We talked about death, about our belief in life after death, about how we want to be buried or where. It is one of those talks that, knowing this is the person you'll die beside, actually brought me comfort. Maybe I'm more comforted because we believe that we aren't DONE after death. In a years time, Will and I will take our families and be sealed together for eternity in an LDS temple.

I'm grateful for that.
I think that knowing that Will's aunt is reunited with her husband today is comforting to her 9 children left behind.

And, so when I sleep the long sleep of death, the day that Will and I meet again in heaven, is yet another day I look forward to waking up with him beside me.

Directions to my new house

I am learning a lot about the new place I live. Southern Alberta is quite a Mormon area. And it's pretty much guaranteed that there will be a daily conversation on lineage. (who are you related to? Where are you from? What's your maiden name? Do you know Joe?) Southern Albertans don't realize how odd it is to label people in such a way, and, to someone like me, (an outsider coming IN), it's intimidating and scary and strange. Really, WHO CARES what my Gramma's first brother's cousin's step-mother's name is?! And no, I'm not related to the same John Smith family as the ones who live on the corner in the blue house.

Sadder yet? I went to church in our new ward again this Sunday.
Introduced myself as Debbi "McSpanky", because I knew that introducing myself as Debbi Barber would prove useless as I'll be changing that last name in a few weeks. The next question, "what's your maiden name"...
And then later- "Who are you related to? Are you from Southern Alberta?"
And then, the inevitable, "Whose house did you move into?"


Where's the sad part, you ask? Well, I answered all of those questions (for the bagillionth time) as a Southern Albertan. Yes. I fell into the trap. ...I moved into "Jack Dawson's old home". The yellow one on the corner with the playground in the back.

Yes.

I gave that answer.

And everyone knew what house I was talking about.

If you're not from around Southern Alberta, and you wanna come visit me and Will, we'd love visitors. You may sleep on a foamie in the basement until the old house sells and we bring out beds over, but we'd still love to see ya. I may even bake cookies. Just don't ask me which house number it is. I couldn't tell ya. But we live right beside Norma Jean and right behind Gertrude and Thomas. You'll find us. Ask at the post office. They'll likely give you our mail to take to us too. But don't ask about Mrs. Johnson's health, or you'll hear all about her latest boil issue.

True story.

3/52 and As My Friend, Montgomery Burns Would Say: "Exxcelleeent!!"

Hey! So, remember this post, from not too long ago? It was that one where I entered into a contest for 'looking back' on a post from when I first started blogging and comparing it to now.

Yeah, well the other day, I won! (okay, I was one of 7 winners, but still, that's pretty great) How awesome is that, hey?

You can read all about my claim to stardom *here*. Then you can beg me unashamedly for one of the Ben & Jerry's coupons I have. Maybe I'll even do my very first giveaway. Although, that takes a lot of work, and to be quite honest, I'd probably rig the results, just for the sake of feeling all powerful and omnipotent! muahaha.

Cuz everyone knows, I need to feel SOME sort of power in my life. :)
Besides, it's so unlike me to share ice cream. Let's be honest here.

Oh, and it's Find Mom in Foto's Friday.
So:

This was Family Home Evening this past Monday night. We did a high quality, slave all day making it 'board game', girls against boys, on which Latter-Day Prophet said which quote. Girls won by a landslide. Then we had pie and ice cream. As you can see, I dressed up for the occasion by wearing sweat capris and Will's T-shirt. Stylin' eh?

Finding Answers

Yesterday Will and I spent a day in medication 'meditation' (well, 'round these parts, as much meditation as can be had with 9 children running around-- but as we read: Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. ~Victor Hugo, Les Misérables, 1862: . Yesterday was a day of prayer and fasting. For me, it was a day to find answers and peace and assurance that the pathways I'm on right now are leading me in the right direction.

For those of you non-LDS (not mormon people), fasting in my faith is believed to be VERY powerful. It is a strong plea and sacrifice to God for answers/peace/health. Usually, fasting is taking NOTHING by mouth VL (water or food) for a 24-hour period, beginning and ending with a prayer and a purpose. I have fasted for various things, and not once have my prayers been unheard or unanswered. Usually, I've been blessed enough that the answers are also expediently given. I have seen miracles happen. Fasting works.

Interestingly enough, yesterday was the hardest fast I can ever remember having. The temptation to break the fast early only confirmed in my heart that the things I was asking for were righteous and likely NOT what the adversary wanted me to get answers to.

I think there were some answers given in the middle of the day. Some before bed. Some are yet to come.

Now, I just wait with faith.
I feel lucky to have such a powerful resource at my fingertips.

Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things. ~Samuel M. Shoemaker

Even My Underwear Were Wet!

This weekend with Will was awesome, eventful and full... the kind of weekends worth remembering.

You saw Friday night's date of folding lots and LOTS of laundry. We watched "The Power Of One", which is one of my all-time favourite movies and definitely worth watching if you haven't seen it!Saturday morning we attended a Stampede Breakfast at our new chapel down the street, put on by our community association. During the breakfast, our realtor held an open house, so we were 'out' for the day. Thankfully, there was a fair amount of traffic that went through the house. Good feedback, in general.

The breakfast, much to my shock, was PACKED! I had no idea THAT many people lived around here.... it was a good hour-long wait in line to be served. Good thing we had no where else to be.

Then we ran a few errands, and then Will and I decided to go car shopping. So we spent a few hours checking out 9-passenger vehicles. Which, in case you were wondering, aren't easy to come across. Unless you wanna van like this, which, (Terri, I love you, but) I simply can't do!!!

After a drive to Peter's Drive-In (mmmmm), we stopped back at the house for late afternoon naps. I fed the kids some supper, and Will and I 'dressed up' to go on a real-live date! So, I took him to Open Sesame, introduced to me by Becka and Lena! Thanks sexy babes!

Surprisingly, we got a table right away, seeing as it was dinner-rush hour and stampede week. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Calgary Stampede, it's the 'greatest western outdoor show on earth', and there's millions of people in the city all dressed up like this. And no one finds it odd. True story. That's the beauty of Stampede. But it's a pain because everywhere is filled to the brim with Yahoo'ers and Pardners and scantily-clad Save-a-horse type of girls.

I digress.

So there we are, eating at Open Sesame. It's got a Mongolian-grill type of menu option, so Will and I filled our bowls with our stir-fry veggies and set them down at the grill to return to our ordered drinks. I had clamato juice, Will had lemonade. (and you wonder why this matters?)

I picked up my cup to bring the straw to my lips, and suddenly, I am DRENCHED.

DRENCHED. In clamato juice.


Shocked, I look at my cup, still in my hands. The bottom of the cup, however, was NOT in my hands. It was still on the table! Literally, it's as though someone took the bottom right off with a glass-cutter.

The server was shocked. Will was shocked. I was SOAKED. The server suggests she'll find me another drink...

uh....
no.
Thanks anyways, but I think we'll take that dinner to go!

So, they comp'ed our dinner, and gave us a voucher for dry cleaning of BOTH of our outfits, as Will also got a bit on his clothes.

Red. Tomato. Juice. ALLLLL OVER ME!!!

front view... not too bad, right?

"Rear" view- I look like I wet my pants! Click for full effect! LOL!

We headed BACK home, changed, and headed back out. But this time we went to watch the sun go down, and ate in the van, laughing about the events of the night.

After 'dinner', I took him out dancing, and we were back to take the babysitter home by midnight. We're so old! :)

Today was the dedication of our new chapel.
It was AWESOME to walk to church this morning, it was awesome to see some friends from other wards, it was REALLY awesome that Sin saved us a pew in the chapel and NOT on the metal chairs in the gym, and it was awesome to sit with Will beside me. It was NOT awesome to get a migraine before the opening song was even over. The building is pretty, and I am grateful to have the privilege to attend there each week, albeit not for much longer. *cue house sell NOW*

It has been a wonderful weekend full of memories, laughs and intimate cuddles with my man whom I love to pieces.

This weekend
I. Feel. Truly. Blessed.

Not Me Monday- Waterton

Alright peeps, it's Monday again. Time for Not Me Monday. hosted by someone, but I can't remember who started it seeing as so many other bloggers do it and we're all clearly sheep! :) So yay to whomever started Not Me Monday.

This weekend was NOT beautiful-- I love summerish weather.

Friday we did NOT celebrate LL's 8th birthday here at the house. 8th birthdays are big in the LDS faith-- it's the age when the child can decide to get baptised or not. She won't be getting baptised until later in the summer, and we'll have a bigger 'party' with family and friends at that point. But for now, we did the whole pizza/cake thing at the house. I did NOT invite Chris's girlfriend, Kay, to join us, and we met for the first time. It was NOT a nice visit, and she is NOT a lovely girl. I am NOT happy to have met her and her two children.

After saying goodbye to my monkeys, I did NOT drive down to Lethbridge where I did NOT hang with my brother and parents for the night. I did NOT need that. I miss Uncle Kannie, so I made him sing with me while I played the piano. Him and his girlface sang along- my piano skills are SLOWLY improving, so I enjoy playing for him to get more practice. It may also help that my mother has a baby grand, and who wouldn't want to play on it!? Visiting with my parents and having their undivided attention is rare in a family of 9 kids, so I was grateful for the LATE hours they spent with me, in spite of their need for sleep. (old people. Sheesh! ;) )

I then did NOT sleep in the basement, where it's like a cocoon... dark, and SILENT. I did NOT freak out when I woke up the next morning at 11!!!!!! I was supposed to be out helping Will paint the Prince of Wales Hotel an hour away... and I hadn't eaten or dressed, and wasn't even showered yet! OUCH. As I'm contemplating my time to get there vs. the shower, I skip breakfast all together, dress, and rush out the door. The good thing is that Will and I are NOT being good and keeping our physical relationship down to holding hands or kissing like 'gramma', so me not showering is a good reason for him to have to stay a safe distance away from me! lol But I tell ya, if he called me gramma one more time... somebody gonna get a hurt real bad! I swear, I was getting a saggy-boob complex!

I did not rush to Waterton, where...*hangs head in shame* I did NOT get a speeding ticket. I SOOOOOOO can not afford a ticket right now, so I was totally unimpressed! And the cop was hot, and yet, I still couldn't get out of that one! Saggy boob complex exponentially increased! (haha, kidding. mostly)

After arriving in Waterton, I did NOT enjoy painting with Will. He is NOT talented at what he does, and didn't even get angry with me when I messed up his paint job like, a bagillion times. You know he loves me when I can mess up so brutally! It was fun on the lift, way up high. But man, it was windy!

A few hours later, we went back to town, showered the paint out of my eyes and the stink off the rest of me, changed, dropped in at a wedding reception, and then headed out to Lethbridge again for some Japanese dinner. I do NOT enjoy doing that as it totally brings me back to my days in Japan. Then we did NOT have a visit with my parents again, and I did NOT receive advice, support, and a blessing from my father. My parents do NOT give good advice, and it was NOT wonderful.

Sunday was church. I don't know how, but I TOTALLY did NOT gimp-up my knee one night last week, and walking in heels SUCKED! And, lemme just add, that walking in flats is not an option--- I LOVE heels. And these ones are way cute, so NO, I would *not* be wearing anything else. It's painful being this beautiful, but I guess I'll suffer! ;P

Sunday afternoon after a yummy fish dinner, we did NOT go with Will's parents (and niece) to Waterton again for a picnic and some pictures.

Seeing Will was NOT exactly what I needed to get out of my funk from last week. It fills my 'love tank', and I always hate driving away. And, he'll be busy painting again for the next weekend or five, and I'm poor.. so who knows when we'll see each other again. Long distance does NOT suck.

Six Word Saturday- a few to chew on

• Running for Cancer. Hoping for Cures. Other than spending time with family whom I seldom get to visit with, I get to also see one of my bestest girls. And I get to run for cancer whilst remembering family members who are missed. Yay for me, I have a new iPod, so I'll have my tunes too!
  
  
• Masticating on elephants, morsel by morsel. I'm not letting my 'peace' go. I know how to get what I need and want, and I know that, when I need to, I'll know what path to follow.
  
  
• Missing my profusely attractive, hand-holding inamorato. First weekend in a while I don't get to see Will. :( that sucks. Just in case you wanted to know what I think about that. ;)
  
  
• House is a mess. Don't care. Besides, maybe, if I have to sell it and move into a cardboard box because of Chris' no-job sichee-ayshun, I could sell the house with grimy hand prints 'custom artwork' and moldy diapers 'one-of-a-kind aromatherapy'. Or burn it. Yah. That'll be better for EVERYONE involved!
  
  

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
~Ben Stein

I find it interesting that I had those two dreams the other night, before being faced with a few choices the next day (or two) later.

Right now, I feel like there's two distinct choices in my path. I guess, technically, there's more than two, but I don't really like to entertain any of the others. Two choices I can live happily with. Two choices that get me to my goal in the long run.

How do you pick between two choices where neither of them are exactly what you wanted? They're both GOOD choices, not being better than the other. If both choices get you to the end result, but in a different path altogether and seemingly not too different of a time-period, but both have aspects that don't appeal to you, what do you choose?

And, when other things (like Chris losing his job) happen in the background, is Someone trying to show me a path I don't recognize? Is it coincidental that I've had the same Sunday School class THREE times (which, NEVER happens) in the past month? What is the message Someone is trying to get through to me? Or, how I don't EVER remember my dreams, and then I'm given these two dreams on one night RIGHT before a few things change my perception of 'future'?

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time, right? So, I'm taking things one step at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. I would believe the easy answer is to ask God in prayer and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost. But in all honesty, I believe that this HAS been asked. And that I've gotten to the point where Heavenly Father wants me to use my agency. To make a decision based on what others know, on what my Bishop councils and on what will eventually make me happiest in the end. I believe that neither choice will disappoint Him.

I will be getting a blessing. Some things shouldn't be left to my determinations.

The Windows Of Heaven

Good ol' Fraulein Maria quoted it most famously:
Where God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.

Right now, I'm putting my faith in that window.

Chris called me yesterday morning, and asked how I was doing. "Fine, how are you?" "Well, I could be better....I just got laid off."



Needless to say, if Chris doesn't make money, he doesn't pay child support. And the dayhome doesn't bring in enough revenue right now to cover my bills. SO. He arrived first thing yesterday morning and spent the day on the computer working on resumes and searching job listings. He even had a business-meeting for a few hours, too. He'll be back this morning. (He doesn't own a personal computer)

I am SO grateful that he isn't sitting on his butt, moping.

It's just part of the economy right now. I'm not alone in this venture, LOTS of people are losing jobs. But, oddly enough, I'm not that stressed. Even odder, Chris said he's not that stressed either. I guess we're just given a new type of peace amidst this, and again, I'm grateful.

I know it is prepping me for a new path-- something is gonna happen because of this, and even if it's a hard path, I know it leads somewhere better. Odd, because I can't think of WHAT it leads to, or even WHY I feel that way. It's just another feeling of 'peace' that came from out of nowhere. I'll take it, though.

A Thousand Word Thursday

Just a few pics of random things to tell my Thousand Words.


Bear Lost his first tooth last week. Will and I tried to get him to let us pull it out, but, alas, the bite into the apple won the favour. And the toothfairy messed up the first night. OUCH. Silly Toothfairy!


Each night I read scripture stories to the kids before family prayers and bedtime. I'm really thankful for Will's inspiration to catch it on camera while he was here, as it's a special moment I'm glad to have tangible evidence of. And, might I add, I'm learning some pretty interesting things about the Old Testament that I honestly never knew! hm.




I'm just glad that Little bunny Foo Foo didn't eat ALL my bulbs, because I took pictures yesterday of these beauties in my yard. And I know they won't be there tomorrow-- either bunny or dayhome fingers will ensure they aren't enjoyed for long! >:oI

Last Night's Prayer

After I sang his favourite bedtime song, Bear said his prayers, and got into bed.


Bear: Mom?
Me: Yah, Buddy?
Bear: Does Heavenly Father hear our prayers?
Me: I believe so, yes.
Bear: But how?
Me: (uh...) Well, He's God. He has heavenly powers that we don't understand. We'll understand when we die, but right now, it's not important for us to know HOW he hears us, just that we know He DOES.

*walk to door*

Okay, goodnight hun. Sweet dreams!

*begin to close door*

Bear: Mom?
Me: What is it, bud?
Bear: When ARE we going to die?
Me: I don't know. When Heavenly Father thinks that it's time for us to go back to Heaven, I guess.
Bear: I wish it was now.
Me: *?????? * We still have things to learn on earth before we go back.
Bear: Yah. I want to go back home soon.
Me: *smile* You will someday. But lemme keep you for a little longer, kay? Goodnight sweetie.
Bear: Goodnight Mom.

Six Word Saturday

(For more Six Word Saturday, visit Cate at Show My Face and join in the fun!)

To Quote Scripture, "It Is Finished."




Yes, I'm using the Easter theme here, to let you all know that yesterday, my mailbox held the letter from the judge's office. Chris and I are officially divorced. (Barring the 31 days for Chris to contest the judgment) *and I bolded it, just in case you weren't paying attention!

I must admit, I feel good. I don't really feel sad. I mean, what's to be sad about when another chapter begins? I sometimes have to repeat in my head, "I'm divorced!" or "I'm single" or something like that... it's like it doesn't seem completely real! Not in a bad/shock way, but in a ..."wow, that day came!" way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and those who have been there, but whatever. I think it hasn't fully 'hit me' yet. But for now, I am happy.

Interestingly enough, I also finished my current paper journal today. Ending a journal that is chalk-full of heartache and affair after-math on the day I get divorced from Chris seems fittingly perfect. Putting an end to all of that, and leaving every peice of that part of my life between the bindings of that book could not be more appropriately timed.

Funny still, I got the letter on my way to my (now ex) in-law's house in BC. Chris and I drove the kids out to his parents' place to spend the holiday weekend together. Divorced. lol. I know we confuse people. In the car on the way here, we talked a lot about our own marriage, what went wrong, and what we've learned. It was a great talk, as we were able to indicate the changes we're making in our current relationships to avoid similar pitfalls later on. I am lucky to have all the 'good' parts of Chris still at my disposal, (the good father, someone who cares for me, good communication,) all the while, leaving the rest behind me.

He did mention that our new relationship with each other is like having a Gayfriend. You know, that friend with whom you can discuss anything with and they'll tell you how wrong you are or when you're being a b!tch, and they can get away with it because you trust their judgment and you know they are only doing it to show they love you? And the friend of the opposite sex with whom there is NO physical relationship with? That friend. Yah, the gayfriend. So, in spite of it being a HORRIBLE thought, Chris is like my Gayfriend. LOL. Now, THAT would make good TV drama, X-Weighted people! :) And, sadly, it wouldn't be the first Ex of mine to go gay after being in a relationship with me.... but let's not go there, okay!?

Grateful for the Easter season. The atonement, the newness of spring--
Both are things that I am finding are a HUGE impact in my life today and recently.

Newness.
There is no better word for me today.

If You Fail to Plan

You know how sometimes you make plans?
You know how sometimes that plan is perfect?
You know how easy it is to build off that plan?
You know how, when you've got it all 'planned out', things change?
And how sometimes the new plan is better than what you planned?
And most of all, you know how awesome it is to have people there to help you in your new plan?

This is my life. In the past year I planned so many things. My plans were perfect and I knew I had them all figured out. I had some super, amazing, best friends who were there to help me in my inevitable new plan. I would not have made it through the past year without them, and without my family. Last year's change of plans threw me for a temporary spin. I forgot that I'm not the one with The Plan. And I have seen so many amazing and wonderful things come about as a result of those plans changing without my influence. As a result of trying not to steer my own ship. Every time I tried to take the reins back from the rider, I got a pretty good slap in the butt and knew I had to change direction.

I can't wait for the next year. Seriously. A lot can happen in a year-- I would know. I could treat the next year (March 26th to March 26th) as a daunting, scary time period. Based on some of the tough times last year, I could fret over what events and lessons I will be learning in the course of the year's experiences.

Can every day be New Year's? Because, today I feel like it's a new year of wonderful possiblities. Although my plans are pretty incredible, I hope that what I plan today is not as good as what is planned already for me. :)

Balance

"The honest seeker after truth must learn to find the elusive balance between relying on the intellect and relying on the promptings of the Spirit." -Glen L Pace



yesterday was a day of perfect balance for me. Where I had poor communication with one person, I had a breakthrough with another.

Where I felt peace in one instant, I felt fear in the alternate.
One phone call soothed me, one left me inwardly churning in silent sorrow.
When I felt spiritually downtrodden, I found comfort in spiritual endeavors.

I sat down at the end of the day, stupefied. I think it's amazing how the day was so intricately balanced. How a door may have closed, but a window opened. How nothing was ruined in the harmony of what was to be.


I anticipate the next few days being quite similar. And I am looking forward to it. As I mentioned to Chris today, "feeling the pain is the only way to learn some of the lessons". A ying and yang of trial.

There must be opposition in ALL things. And I am thankful for the perceived "negatives" that help me appreciate the "positives" that much more.

Wednesday Ws and Word Verification Wednesday

For More Word Verification Wednesdays, visit Jillybean at Thou Shalt Not Whine and play along.


Who: Me
What: wants to introduce "Will"
Where: here on the blog
When: right now!
Why: because the time has come. The time is now. :) (points for those who know the book that's from)

I mentioned a few posts ago how I went on a date and said I'd talk more about it later. Well, here it is. :) I've been dating Will for a while now. It was a tough thing for me to tell anyone about for a few reasons: One, I knew that dating anyone so quickly after Chris runs the risk of a serious rebound issue. And Two, I'm still legally married. But, mostly, Three, because Will is awesomely incredible and I didn't want to share him.

1) serious rebound? No. I admit, I worried about that, quite intensely, for about a week. It was during that week, and subsequent weeks and dates later, that I realized that there was a very definite reason that Will came into my life when he did. Situations out of my control. Timing was everything. There were spiritual moments that showed me that this is the right path at the moment. I can't explain it. I don't need to. What I feel, spiritually, never needs explaining to anyone.

2) Still legally married. This is a big deal to me, as many of you 'old followers' would know. When Chris left last summer, it was deep in my mind that, no matter what, I was not going to be a hypocrite and 'cheat' on my marriage. Having said that, Will and I were friends before we were 'dating'. We are both going through our own divorces, and we became sounding boards for our trials in that process. MOST of the time, we were talking about our soon-to-be exes, and what went wrong on either side. But, there was something about him that made me realize this friend was amazing. Do I need to date him to have that friendship-- nope. And I love that. In telling my bishop about it, I realized that dating him wasn't inherently WRONG in the way of black and white that most people see it. But there are a lot of people who believe we shouldn't date because we're both still legally married. They will be happy to know, that, truth be told, we're not 'dating' the same way anymore anyways. Because we CAN wait until our marriages are through. So, at this time, Will is my incredibly astounding friend who can't wait to date me! ;) And I him. We still talk. We still build our relationship. We just do it at a physical distance. Will lives 2 hours away anyways, and since I have my kids around most of the time(who aren't allowed to meet any potential suitors for 3 months of serious dating anyways) us dating is difficult as it is.

3) And three. Sharing Will with you all scares me. Putting something special out there for people to 'attack'. But, in order for my new story to emerge, you need to know about him. He's a main player now.

Will has been the best spiritual, non-family male influence on me that I've ever known. Honestly, ever. And whatever his role is in my life, for the present time, I'm happy to have him in the way he's in it today. God put him here for now. To teach me about the other sides of divorce, about what marriage should be, and about being the right person in order to get my goals.

And, for right now, I'm working on me. It's the next step. I don't need to think about my future with or without Will. My progression in today's path will eventually show me the right direction for the next paths.

So, without further adieu, meet Will. He's awesome.


My word Verification: (don't forget to play along in the comments!)
Unpigd - (Verb)- to learn manners. Also see: for a female to get divorced. (lol)

"In Pieces" to "In Peace"

I had a pretty eventful couple of days. Days where I really did a lot of thinking and feeling. Days spent in tears and laughter. Days of some serious conversations.

There's so much to say, and yet no way to say it. No way to talk about everything that I've felt and thought and said. Sometimes sharing it is throwing pearls at swine anyways.

Suffice it to say, I am very much loving the direction my life has turned.

I'm definitely 'done' with Chris. We talked about his recent involvement with other women, and there wasn't a single bad feeling from me. I didn't feel jealous. Or threatened. Or sad. Or. AnYthINg! It was really a good feeling, knowing that I have put away any of that 'old' pain, and I was able to talk with him as his friend. As the mother of his children, and as someone who loves him, but as someone who wasn't IN LOVE with him anymore. I wanted nothing more than to hear that he was finding peace and happiness. That's something I would give him if I could.

It's amazing how God has healed me when I've made the right choices. I remember when Chris left in June, and how I expected to be just a complete basket case. But, with a power from beyond, I was supported and comforted and had peace. Peace that I didn't possibly deserve, and comfort beyond what comfort I would have ever even had the audacity to ask for.

Peace.
It's a word I really, truly, 100% understand so much more in the course of the past year than I ever had before. We know we use the word often, but to actually FEEL peace-- that's something seldom described and likely indescribable.

In this peace, I've also watched God's hands in other ways in my life. Bringing me back to my true self. My bottom roots. Deep down, who I am and who I've always WANTED to be. Going back to goals that I gave up years ago. I went to talk with my Bishop, and in spite of the things I need to fix, I feel peace knowing what lies ahead.

It's gonna be a long road back to that path. A spiritual journey that won't be all daisies and petunias, but there are always beautiful roses among the thorns and rainbows at the end of the thunderstorm. I really want my 'new life' to start now, and to be rid of the pain and issues from my past. But, where's the rush? I'll get there. This is the time to actually DO it. To BE it. To GET and ACHIEVE it.

No matter what your spiritual belief is, finding spirituality and having faith in it is something that never fails to help us grow. I love growth, and Making the Change is exactly what I'm doing now. I'm changing my path. Changing my life. Changing my views. And changing the person I used to be into a person I want to be. It's overwhelming and fulfilling at the same time.

At risk of sounding stupid, I'm excited.

In Point Form

• I broke down. I bought Twilight. Yah yah, I'm sure I coulda borrowed it from a million people I know, but it was on for 5 bucks at Superstore, and I figured I could splurge that much on myself. Jumping on bandwagons always takes me WAY too long! ;) I need something else to distract me from the dishes anyways!
  
  
• I spent all that time getting my dayhome full, and now two of my three full-timers are leaving. Thankfully, not because of anything the parents weren't happy with. It's the pitfalls of dayhomes. Seriously, though, I HATE putting up forms and doing interviews. And I hate the thought of possibly not having enough kids here to make the paying of bills easier in a month. *grumble*
  
  
• I have been seriously taking a lot of time evaluating my spiritual feelings. It's amazing how simple someone's influence can affect what you think when you aren't expecting it. Some deep conversation, and some things I've said have really opened my eyes to what I TRULY believe deep down. It has been a tough, tough year spiritually for me-- reallyreallyreally high and reallyreallyreally low. I'd like to find a balance.
  
  
• I took some time to myself last night while Chris was at the house with the kids. Thanks to a dayhome Mom who also styles hair, I got my hair dyed. It's darker, and it'll take a bit to get used to looking in the mirror, but it's nice. A "before and after". I tried to recreate the same 'pose', but frankly, it's too early to put on makeup! And, apparently, to smile! lol
  
  
• I also told Chris that I had started the papers. It was really scary to tell him. But thankfully he understands my reasons, so he says. Last night, while he was here, he refused a hug. Tears welled in his eyes all night, and my heart was soooo sore watching it. It is EXACTLY what I was going through back in June. It hurts to watch.
  
  
• I have the weekend off. No kids. Just me and whatever I want to do. :)
  

Wednesday Ws and Word Verification Wednesday

Who: Babbling Brook
What: had a conversation with me
Where: in the car
When: this morning while waiting at the bus stop
Why: because she's cute.

Brook- You and my Uncle should be a good couple... he's having a divortion too!

BAAHAHAH, divortion. Like killing a full-grown, adult baby! haha. I am now loving that word. lol

Who: Me
What: is coping
Where: inside my heart
When: a little more each day
Why: because I have amazing friends. I have made new friendships with people in similar situations and have enjoyed 'comparing notes' and confidences. I have friends, tried and tested, who have stuck by my side through every tear and complaint. I have friends who bring cookies, send little love notes or packages, and speak in certain love languages that are touching and humbling. I hope I can be that friend to these people that they are to me.
And, because I have amazing family. Parents who are there for me whenever I ask. Sisters, who amidst their own phenomenal pain and hurt, have listened to my fears and failures, and have loved me in spite of my faults. Who support me more than anyone ever can. Brothers who hug and call and write messages. I feel loved more and more, and so less alone than ever.

And, because I have amazing faith.
I know I confuse people. But my faith in God and Jesus and the atonement are really bringing me through this. I know I 'chose' Chris to leave. But let's remember, it's never an easy choice to make when a marriage is at stake. It hurts. But sometimes the right choice is the hardest one to make.
So I thank my blogger friends I've never met but love completely, my neighbours, my ward, my dayhome mothers who are my friends as well, my separated/divorcing/divorced friends who 'get me', my Eight Gothic Vagina girls, and everyone who fits into any category above. Thank you. I've needed you.






And that's right. It's Chocolate Wednesday. I will not be having Chocolate today. And I'm okay with that. Besides, I'm not really into Chocolate lately. I'm more into the Candy thing, and had far too much Candy last night. lol.. and I loved it.

Being Wednesday, it's time to play along with Word Verification Wednesday, courtesy of Jillybean. Everyone join in!

My Verification Explanation today:
nernab

kidnapping a computer geek

Issues Episodes: Believing What I Believe

Before I start, if you're not LDS, you possibly won't understand much of this post. I'll do my best to explain, but most things are kinda just 'societally' understood in the Mormon Culture. We have our own language: Being "a member", HFPE, Relief Society, Visiting teaching, Home teaching, Callings. We have our own 'culture': burning shirts as missionaries,


Going on girls' camps, or Trek, 3-hour blocks of church every Sunday, clothing or jewellery we don't wear, clothing we DO wear.


Things I've grown up with. And things I love. I think it's a phenomenal religion, and, in spite of researching many others, have firmly believed that this is the one I would have chosen on my own, given the option of not being born into it.

But some things I don't believe. Some things I'm afraid to SAY OUT LOUD to anyone. Things I disagree with.

I hate being 'one foot in' in the church. I hate being 'one foot out' as though I'm a hell-bound heathen.

But, although I feel happy there, and it feels like where I want to be FOR ME and my kids, I feel like the true message is getting lost. I feel like I'm more judged by others than accepted for those issues. I love my ward; the people in it, and the leadership. But something isn't right. I feel like the messages we're all preaching AND BELIEVE IN are hardly followed. Forgiveness. Love. Charity. Compassion. They're there, but so many times, in the SMALLER instances, they're not.

I made promises in the Temple that I can't keep. I can't keep them because I don't believe in them. I don't WANT to keep them falsely. I don't want to act like one person, when I know that's not me. I don't want to be uncomfortable in a place where I should feel peace. Because I don't feel peace there. I never really have. And I tried for nearly 8 years. Trust me, I tried. Do I think it's a great place? yes, for those who believe it to be. It's beautiful! Inside and out!! Some of these buildings are some of the most beautiful buildings in the world. It's quiet inside. It's spotless inside. It's a great place to meditate. But it's not a place for me. I don't know if it ever will be. But today, I don't think so.

The temple is such an integral part of our church. Can I believe in the gospel without believing in the temple? Illogically to most, I believe I can. To most members, though, they would answer no. Chris supports my attendance and involvement in church. For those who speculate because he's not LDS that these are my reasonings-- I came to these conclusions without Chris. During the summer. When I re-evaluated every choice I had ever made, and what future choices I wanted to make. If I left the church or stayed until the day I died, Chris will respect my choices because he knows I made them for ME.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to go what feels like against the grain and do what makes me happy without being a hypocrite. Finding spirituality is such a personal thing. I'm not afraid to feel what I feel. I'm just afraid to admit it, for fear of being shunned or labeled.(kay, seriously, I love this photo. That was a great night for photos, Kare!)

Presenting: The Presence amongst the Presents

Getting in the spirit of Christmas this year has eluded me.

I mean, I am fully immersed in "Christmas." I've attended party after party after incessant party. I've done the baking, the planning, cookie-exchange. I've done the shopping, the sorting, the sneaking, the wrapping, the hiding. I'm decorated. I'm singing the songs. I'm watching the movies.

What else!?!

Something isn't 'there'. As the title to this post suggests, there's presents everywhere. But the TRUE Presence is missing.

So, I have less than 2 weeks to 'get it'. To find the spirit I need and desire. That "Christmas spirit". The reason for the season.

And I couldn't be more excited.

I'm going to do the 12 days of Christmas with my kids. I did "Pixie-ing" with my family my whole life (that I remember) and it was always the best thing!!! I want to make sure my kids feel the spirit of Christmas too. I'm going to stop watching "Frosty the Snowman" and start watching more "It's a Wonderful Life". I'm going to turn off the dance music on the radio, and tune into the all-Christmas station. I'm still doing the parties and the presents/ the wrapping and the "rapping". lol But I'm adding the memories. The skating. The giving. The photos. I'm adding Christ.

I missed the First Presidency's Devotional a few Sundays ago. :( It's beautiful music by the MoTab, and great messages of the season. LDS or not, you should listen. I did yesterday. I get to see my sister, Marci, my parents, and my other sister, Terri today!! I haven't seen M since August, so that's really exciting to pick her up from the airport today. Then Chris and I are heading to an overnight Christmas party. (AGAIN!)
Then, my mother is doing a large Choral Cantata on Sunday- and it's always filled with AMAZING music.

*sidenote: if you don't know my mother, she's one of the most talented musicians you could know! She's kinda a female "Mr. Holland's Opus" type-- can turn ANY group of singers into miracles! So, if you're in Lethbridge Sunday night, come listen to some FANTASTIC musical selections. EVERYONE is invited!

These two things (the devotional and the cantata) are part of my Christmas. So I am happy to have those.

I told Chris I was doing this for the next 2 weeks. FULLY immersing myself in the Christmas spirit. He teased me about 'torturing' the rest of the family for the next two weeks because of my over-enthusiasm. But he smiled and, because he has an AMAZING 2 weeks off work (which NEVER happens!) he's actually looking forward to spending the time making those memories too. But I need my kids to feel it too. To really 'get it'.

This is one year where I want to end it on a high. And at peace. To end the year half-fulfilled would be a detriment to everything I've overcome this year. And I won't let that be for naught.

I'm open to suggestions for how to further my quest for the season! (keep in mind, I still have a dayhome to run, company arriving in town starting Monday through to Friday, Beavers/Guides, school concerts, ward parties and all to still attend, and it's supposed to be BRUTALLY cold here next week-- so, things I can do in or around the house, things I can watch/listen to on Youtube or TV or other activities you can suggest are GREATLY appreciated...).