Wishing for Daisy Halos - Take One For the Team

Imported from Livejournal:

Well, since my last blog, I think a lot of things have changed.
We decided NOT to buy that house that we so wanted. I've been told by too many important and wise people that now is the time to SAVE money and get out of debt, and so we've decided to pay off our mortgage instead. It's bittersweet, because I know that eventually things will work out better. And that's the promise of following certain council from certain people.
Merry Christmas.
I went home last week to Vancouver. It felt much like a weird time warp, only not. I don't quite know what to say to explain how everything felt so familiar and yet everything had changed. It's still very much home, but I also was glad to be around my friends here when I came back. I guess, in summary, that the surroundings had changed, but my feelings about them hadn't. I visited a few nostalgic locales, and had all the feelings that they once held come back to me-- some sweet, some sour. I saw faces that brought me so much joy, and others that made me feel insecure for reasons irrelevant now. I fell back into my role. And I liked it, but I didn't. I'm not that person anymore, and I worry that people didn't see that, and that they never will. Especially going without Chris, I think people think I'm unhappy and I'm struggling. I'm not, and I hate feeling like I always have to tell people that. It's not their business, but I worry too much about what they think, and I want them to think good things. They're true, but I still feel like I need to TELL people. And that's stupid. Because when I say how happy I really am, even *I* think it sounds shallow. And then I say more, sounding dumber and dumber, and the circle goes on.
But I love my kids still. I love my husband still. I love my life right now. And some day soon, I hope to love myself, although I'm getting closer. I think it's hard to love someone you barely know. And right now, I'm finding out a lot about myself-- and I relish that! Who wouldn't like those ah-hah moments?