Wishing For Daisy Halos - Insomnia is a Punishment?

So, the Elders came over again. We talked about stuff, mostly about bad stuff that happened before I got married. It was really odd, telling them things and all that. I guess I've tried so hard to put that behind me and forget about it. In fact, I don't really like remembering it in the first place, so bringing it up always sounds weird.

They were asking questions and stuff, about how I knew that Chris was the guy I wanted to marry. Talking about when I was doing things wrong in my life before-- how I felt, what I did about it, what changed anything... Kinda weird stuff like that. I know they were just trying to understand us and everything, and they're AWESOME missionaries, but I hated thinking back about that time in my life.

Which really sucks, because I dream about it all the time. Lame-o as it sounds, I often go to bed imagining what the new house is going to look like, what colours and furniture and yada yada... but when I fall asleep, I end up dreaming about sexual things. Memories of certain people that I don't want to have. And situations that just SUCK! Oddly enough, and I'm sure a load of you will laugh at this, but my mother is almost ALWAYS in my dreams!!! Disturbing.

Funny, too, on the totally opposite side of the fence, I always tend to wish I could "relive" that time in my life. I had fun, for the most part. I had no cares, I had good friends. The soundtrack to my life was as eclectic as Micheal Jackson's headshots. So, on one hand I wish I could go back, but on the other hand I hate remembering things about it.

I know I've been forgiven for things that I did, and I've been through the temple and stuff since, and it's NOT an issue anymore. So why don't I feel peace about it all? Why do I still feel haunted?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Latin is my Best Subject

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
"I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't
a poem."
You are a type A personality. You like bright
things, you don't call in sick to work, and you
have devastating opinions about art.



Okay, freaking hilarious, because the whole "if it doesn't rhyme" thing-- totally me! I mean, poems don't have to rhyme, but I'm such a stupid stickler for meter and proper word usage and, if the poem is SUPPOSED to rhyme, then by gosh darn it, don't try to get away with something like "percolator and people shamer" They don't rhyme! Too annoying for me, actually. I am not quite as sure about the type A personality, but I do like bright things, (people, colours, rooms) and I have devastating opinions about art (and anything else. What, who me? Have an opinion? Never!!!)

However, I *DO* call in sick to work. Sometimes when I'm not sick. Those are called Mental Health Days, and I'm all for them, when they work to my advantage! I haven't ever used a really original excuse, though...always sick or whatever, hurt myself jiving... yada yada. Now with the job I have, I just don't GO to work if I don't want to. That's the good thing about my job.

We heep having these wicked power outages-- I'll be lucky to get this sent off before the computer goes off again. I love storms. VERY cool. Funny, though, I think it's only the wind, because it's not snowing or anything. And, come to think of it, I can't even hear the wind, so I have no idea WHY my power keeps flickering. My house is so pantyliner-thin that I can hear the snow melt through my walls. Soon, young grasshopper, you shall be RID of this monstrosity!

WIshing For Daisy Halos - 664..665..667..668

I guess I don't really know why I am the way I am. maybe it is part of my childhood, coming back to haunt my life now. Maybe it's the friends I chose, or the people who hurt me. Maybe it's all accredited to what I eat.

I often think about things that happened to me as a baby, things I don't know that happened, but may have affected who I am today. Like, certain things I think and certain urges to do something specific.. is that part of me because of how I was raised?

I like the idea of tarot cards and fortune tellers, I like hypnotists and star-reading. I don't know why, but it just kinda fascinates me. I don't put a lot of weight on those issues, but it's still entertaining anyways. I'm a Scorpio, and maybe the fascination is because of my personality traits according to my sign. But then, astrological signs are just another thing to add to the list. Is it Satan worshipping? It's really odd, though, because I don't put ANY credibility into people like that "crossing over" guy, who believes he talks with the dead. Maybe that's just my perception of heaven, and angels or whatever, but I HONESTLY believe that although he MAY be talking to beings not of this world, I don't believe his power comes from God. But then I contradict myself again, and think about the article of faith, "We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues and so forth". So, if that's the case, why are we advised not to partake of such entertainment venues like fortune tellers and whatever else. Isn't a vision something of a fortune telling? Aren't tarot cards something of prophecy?

There's a lot of gray lines that I confuse myself on, stuff like that. Am I so disillusioned in my fascination with these things? Am I a bad LDS person, someone who really shouldn't call themselves as such? Am I like most LDS? (Even if I WAS like most LDS, does that still make it okay?)

I guess my desire to put off the natural man is really strong, but it's really fighting against something that I seem to enjoy too much. I mean, there's a lot of sacrifice in the church, why shouldn't this be another? I WANT to be the good example, the faithful woman who gets to see Jesus face to face without guilt or pain clouding my view. I just want the day of my trial to be happy, you know, a "well done thou good and faithful servant" kind of day. Can I be that person and still enjoy these things?

I think there's too fine a line. Or maybe there isn't, and I'd just like it to be, so it's easier to cross over.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - To The Dump

So my scale says I've lost five pounds. And the fact that the scale MAY be broken isn't going to play on my elation. No, seriously, I don't know HOW I lost the wieght, maybe just being more concious of what i eat and when and all that, but who knows. Hey, I'm not going to question it. And I know you all probably could care less about my incessant talk about wieght taking up all this room on your friends page, so I'll just shut up anyways.

Bear cut his first 2 teethes this past weekend. UGGG>. what a weekend it was too. But, oddly enough, the more I feed him real baby food, the less he wants to nurse. Like, at all!! So, indirectly, I'm weaning him, I guess. The drawback-- man, my boobs have never been this full since day three postpartum. THEY HURT!

Okay, actually now that I think about it, I might accredit my weight loss to my kids-- LL, in particular. She keeps me moving-- like, today's story.

We had to pick out our showers and our closets and our mirrors from this company (for the new house) today. I had the kids, since they only do day appointments, so here I am, trying to decide on stuff with her running around.

They have these mock showers set up everywhere. All of a sudden, I turn around, and there's LL, buck naked from the waist down, trying to take off her shirt as she stands in one of the showers. The sales guy just laughed.

But that's just the start of it. Frantically trying to put her clothes back on, I get her situated in front of a movie spot they have for kids around the corner. In no less than 30 seconds, I hear her on the opposite side of the store, singing away. The sales guy goes, "uhh, she's in the bathroom". Oh great. So, I run to the bathroom, and thankfully she didn't lock the door this time, so I go inside. Sitting there with her pants and underwear on the floor, she's singing her little heart out. She is actually sitting on the toilet bowl-- she didn't put the seat down-- leaving a dump. Crappy... and when I say crappy, I'm not trying to be punny. Ohh, the things you have to deal with when you're a mom. She's just so cute about it though, I can't help but laugh.

Man, there's been times I WISHED I could get away with leaving a dump at a public place where I could sing my heart out while I did it. LOL

(thinks) ***Okay, the comments that I'm going to get on THAT line.. ***

Wishing For Daisy Halos - 2 Nephi, 32 verse 3

Yesterday kinda bit butt. Chris was going to take the day off of work, because he could, basically. I would then get my sleep in-- a rarity in my life nowadays. Anyways, he takes the kids upstairs, and starts to cook breakfast, when the phone rings and it's his work. Apparently they're REALLY far behind and come Monday, their tardiness could cost over 60 thousand bucks. So he had to go into work anyways. So much for sleeping in.

A while after I've gotten dressed and got LL started on breakfast, there's a knock on my door. I go answer it, and there on my front step is the Jehovah's Witness that came to my house a while back. He brought his wife this time. Smarter now, I didn't let them in the house (besides, it was warm enough that I didn't feel TOO rude leaving them outside). I told him that when he left the other day, I didn't like the feeling that stayed in my home, and so I asked him that he not come back and explained that I didn't want to talk any further about it. He said that he noticed last time that I got uncomfortable, and wondered why. When i said that I felt very attacked, he of course said that that was far from his intentions. I know that. Still didn't change it.

His sentence was, "I really didn't mean to offend you, but if you knew that I, as your neighbour, was being lied to, wouldn't you want to warn me?" Okay, first things first-- what kind of apology is that!!! Second, he JUST did the thing that I was so bothered with the first time. I explained that I believed that I could say the same thing back to him, BUT I DON'T, because (believe it or not) I have more tact than that.

Anyways, I was getting more and more agitated, and he STILL kept saying stuff like that. Like, grouping Joseph Smith in with that guy from Waco, Texas, and the Hale-bop people and Muhammad Ali and all these people. That was very offensive to me. For one, I believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, and he's grouping him in a group with people that aren't! So, yah, he just kept on attacking things that I loved and felt strongly for. I got him stumped a little when I said that he didn't shake my faith when he was here last time. I said that my faith was just as strong, if not stronger than his. His wife didn't say anything after that. In truth, he probably strengthened my faith, because the first thing that came to my mind was "angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost" from seminary. Man, I am SOO glad I didn't sleep through THAT morning class! :)

After 10 minutes of standing in the doorway, and getting more and more aggravated with him, I finally said that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, and I basically shut the door on their face.

That left my heart pounding.

I hate confrontation like that, and more-so, I hated being mean to them when I know that their job as missionaries is hard enough. I thought of my brother, going to leave shortly on his mission, and it broke my heart that people would do the same thing to him.

So, aside the fact that I'm on a new birth control pill, I started crying. my sister, who I'd normally call, was at Girl Guide camp. So I called home and spoke to my Dad. What a good guy.

Anyways. I still feel bad about being like that to them, and I guess I'm hoping that you will be able to make me feel better about that. Or, tell me I'm scum if that's the case. But should I have been like that? If the occasion arises again, should I do something different?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Are My Garments Showing AGAIN!?

So, it's been two years and three months since I got my endowments. And still, every morning, I wake up in these horrible "underwear" and feel like a slob.

There's something to be said about a cute little matching bra and (dare I say the word?) panty set. A cute little pair of gitch that just sort of, holds your bum in place. None of this saggy, no support pair of shorts. And making the mud dirtier, i am wearing these nursing tops, with the WEIRDEST openings for, well, my uh... baby's bottles, as my daughter calls them. They actually don't fit my body, but they fit the, uh, "bottles". I am borrowing them from a friend.

Anyways, still hating these clothes. Every time i complain about them I feel unworthy to wear them, though. And I tell Chris how unsexy i feel in them, and he just says, then don't wear them. But he knows that by saying that, it only makes me feel worse. And I always say, no, I made a promise.

But oh, to be cute in a little bra and panty set. That was the life. You can't go out and buy some polka-dot bra to wear over these underwear, either. that's just too funny looking.

On a different note, the missionaries came over today. The new guy is cute, just a wee babe. He's just turned 19, and although he was a little quiet, Chris and i think he'll find his voice and he'll be cool enough.
He seemed nice and all, I think he's just still digesting everything. I mean, the poor kid, he still gets excited when he hears a plane overhead. (We live near the airport, so planes are often flying by, low.) He's very green, I'd say.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Feeling a Little Green, Elder?

So, I'm totally tired throughout the entire day, but once 9 o'clock rolls around, I'm ready to attack the world! I mean, I hate that. I have something in my head that says that going to bed at 9 is too early, so I don't. Besides, there's good shows on-- I'd miss American Idol or some other reality show I'm hopelessly hooked on.
Today started a bit too early for my liking. Actually, ANYBODY who likes to get up at 5:15 in the morning has some serious thrill issues. I'm even a morning person.
I got the kids ready to go, warmed up the car (although the day was a beautiful, sunny 9 degrees) and drove to my sister's house. Her baby boy was having penis surgery, so they were out the door at 6. It was so sad, the poor boy has NO idea where he's going, or even why his mom won't let him nurse.
I was there for most of the day-- not exactly an easy feat for the faint of patience. I mean, it IS six kids, not including mine... (or the neighbour's kid who dropped by for an hour while she did some errands). Busy day. I hate macaroni on a good day, but making a VAT of the goo is simply repulsive.
Then i came home and finished the laundry (quite a feat since it's only Tuesday-- it usually takes me all week) and cleaned the house.
while making dinner, the missionaries stopped by. The one elder goes home tomorrow, so he came to say bye and take pictures and all that. It was actually sad. While Chris and I ate, we both talked about how this set of elders was the first set to really touch our lives. The FIRST set to touch Chris' life in a positive manner at all! We know that the other one is staying, but his new comp is green... like, totally fresh off the MTC boat! Uh oh.... Chris doesn't like those "baptise the world" kind-- they seem to not understand "not today". Whatever. We're hoping that we'll make him feel right at home and embarrass him and stuff.
So, here's my issue; give us GOOD ideas on how to break this elder in. Like, something prank-like that won't make him want to go running home to Mommy, but still really good. We thought his companion should get into bed with him the first night, saying that he's afraid of the dark and stuff. Maybe hide a pair of pretty panties under his sheets... but we need stuff WE can do at our house. And in case you're wondering, Chris will NOT act like a dog and slide down the banister like my father did with my sister's date. So don't even suggest it! :)

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Feeling Fat

So, I've been feeling a lot better about stuff lately. Funny, since i don't know what I was feeling bad about to begin with.

Now, I'm just looking for motivation. One day, Chris and I were talking about what we're physically attracted to. He told me that a bunch of his friends think I'm so wrong for him, because I'm not at all his "type". He told me that he likes really thin... LIKE... Stick thin girls, and tall. Which is fine, I couldn't care less that he likes that, because he loves me for me. And I know that a lot more now, because of the wieght fluctuations I've had during the course of our dating and married life.

I mean, he struggled with it for a while with Elysia, and that was really hard. But he's great now.

Point is, that I'm not that stick thin girl. I never will be-- that's just not my body type. And I won't be tall... obviously that can't change for the better. But I *CAN* lose wieght. And I need to.

I have never liked being fat. I hate it, actually. Which is partially why I hate nursing; because I can't really diet and do a heck of a lot to change my body. Sure, I can exercise, but then I'm starving. Circle of lame-ness.

But i lack the motivation right now, and that's bothering me more than being big. I mean, you can't complain about something if you don't try to change it-- especially if it is something that only YOU can change, you know? So, I want that drive, that desire to wake up early and get to the gym or go for a run or skip seconds or whatever. I hate my weakness lately, but feel no desire to actually get up and change it. I mean, I WANT to change it, but I don't want to do the work.

Pain is a precursor to change. So I need the pain to be bigger or something. I need SOMETHING.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Going Once, Going Twice, Sold To the Lady With The Shopping Cart Home

So another day, another dull hair.

It was such a nice break to get a "sleep in" today. Because it was Stake conference, I stayed home. I know, I know, you're all going to sound like my mother. I don't need that-- when I talked to her yesterday, and mentioned that i wasn't going, her lack of reaction on the other end was lecture enough. Man, I hate that. I'm sure she was biting her tongue to a pulp with all the things she DIDN'T say to me yesterday...

Chris got up with the kids, made eggs, of course, since that's his thing to do when he's home. LL loves it. It only sucked that I wasn't really tired this morning-- of all the mornings, the one I actually get to sleep in for, I wasn't sleepy. meh. I managed to get back to sleep, dreaming ridiculous dreams as always, until I was awoken by the family-- Bear was hungry, as usual.

We went to work, looked at some REALLY pricey homes, then went to my sister's house for a birthday party for my nephew. He's such a cutie. I have cute nephews ans nieces-- even if some of them are dumb as rocks sometimes! See story below!! lol

Last night was kinda funny, kinda sad. See, Marce, my sister, was coming home from Ottawa via Calgary, so my sis here and I went to the airport to meet her. We brought my kids and four of hers. When I got there, her flight had been delayed about an HOUR!!!, so we took the kids to "kids' port", this playroom thingy. When her flight finally came in, she didn't get off the plane. We assume she wasn't allowed, because she had to be back on the plane in half an hour to get to Vancouver. It was so funny, my niece, a drama queen, said "I don't know how I'm ever gonna live if I don't see my Auntie". What a character. She's so blonde. So, we never got to see her. Which, in one way, was a good thing-- I had picked up MCDonald's for her, knowing that Westjet doesn't serve food and that she'd be hungry. But, because her flight was so late, the fries were rubbery, the burgers were soggy and cold, and the drink was flat and lukewarm. Nasty. I mean, McD's is gross at the best of times, but an HOUR after you get it... that's just repulsive. Oh well... LL enjoyed the nasty fries on the way home, and I drank the dyed sugar water. The burgers, well, they're probably going for top dollar on the seagulls auction down at the airport garbage bins.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Only ONE Blue Line!!

I'm not pregnant. Thankfully. My friend is convinced that this mood of mine is depression, but I don't think so. And neither did my doctor, so I'm not worried. But I'm REALLY glad I'm not pregnant.. I can't wait to stop nursing, I couldn't imagine not having a break between kids.
I get a break on Sunday, though. It's stake conference, so I told Chris I'm sleeping in and taking some much needed me time. He is fine with that.
Anyways, nothing to say tonight. And Bear's awakening. Poohey.

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Who Didn't Put the Pee Back In The Fridge?!

I need a serious break. Like, seriously. I finally feel like the thread is going to snap, and I'm so afraid it's going to escalate into something I'll really regret.
I'm so angry today. Probably a mixture of being tired and stressed.
I can't think of a better way to say it than I'm tired of being a mother. I want a day off, some TIME off. I mean, I love my kids, but I need ME time. I have them from first thing in the morning and then all day. Do dishes, make meals, clean house, do laundry, entertain kids, feed Bear a bagillion times. Then I usually have to take them to work with me, packing them in the car, taking them up to the office, back into the car, drive around trying to work and still ignore their crying or incessant whining for McDonald's in the rear seat. I come home, and it's bed time. I get to put them to bed, but even then, JD only sleeps for a few hours before he needs me to feed him again. No sleep. No rest. No break.
I knew when Chris took this job that he'd work the "occasional" Saturday.. or so he told me. But no, he's worked EVERY Saturday. That USED to be my sleep-in day. But it's not anymore. No, Saturday turns out pretty much like any other day. Except Sunday, when I get to wake up with the kids and get them ready for church. take them there, by myself usually, and then deal with over 25 nursery kids for two hours. One of which is obviously LL, and of course, Bear's with me then too. So then I come home and get to clean up the house that Chris has neglected... no matter how many times I tell him that i need more help around the house.
When is it MY time? I need that right now. Chris gets home too late to take the kids while I'm at work, but then again, I'm working, so that's not really a break. i deal with losers and rude people. yeah, that's the kinda time I love to spend alone!
In fact, I just lost it on LL. She hasn't been going to bed until like 10 or 11 at night, and i can't handle that anymore. Then, I come down here for the only time I manage to fit between Bear's feeds, and I hear her upstairs. I go up there, and she's managed to pee on the floor in front of the fridge. Obviously not for attention, since I wouldn't have known about it-- she thought I was sleeping... So I can't figure her out. I lost it.
I spanked her butt, yelled, got so angry.
I hate being like that, but I'm still really fuming about it, and that makes me more mad. I don't like to hurt her. But it just gets to that point and SNAP!!!
I need to calm down, and yet, I have nothing to do. Go to bed. Get some sleep. Maybe I'll go have a long shower or something.
ARG.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Crack Addicts Don't Do So Well In Blood Tests

So, I went and actually accomplished something today.
It was really funny, actually. I called my doctor to set up that appointment, and the receptionist goes, "well, why don't you just come in when you bring in Bear today". I'm all "WHAT!!!!". Aparently, Bear had a doctor's appointment today, and I didn't even know. What a scatter-brain! She musta thought I was some crack-addict Mom!
So, we went there, then i got my blood test at the clinic, then we went and got Bear's Birth certificate forms filled out and filed. Then I hung at my sister's for a while, and then came home and napped! It was a great nap. I think my whole problem lately is just not getting enough sleep, because Bear and LL slept in a little today, but it made a world of a difference.
Chris got two box-seat tickets to the Flames' hockey game tonight, so we were able to go on a date without the kids and have some fun. We won, and it wasn't too bad of a game to watch, actually, QUITE different crowd than the Canucks' games, that's for sure. It was nice, except I hate that my boobs will all of a sudden start leaking while I'm talking to a bunch of Chris' work buddies. Yeah, lovely.
So, tomorrow I wake early to watch my sister's kids, then head off downtown to fill out some more house forms and junk. Blah. How terribly lame.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Croissants in the Oven, and Long Tunnel

Well, there's a silver lining to every cloud, so they say. And although it's still raining on my emotions lately, I can see the "god clouds" in the distance.

The Elders had dinner, and I finally asked them the questions that I've been meaning to ask SOMEone. Like the one about plural marriage. And that one about angels in Galatians. It really helped. Really. And for one of the FIRST times in my marriage, the topic of conversation stayed on religious things for most of the night. And it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable or pushy.

Now, don't misread this, all you out there who are silently saying, "great, Chris is so much closer to the gospel now!" or whatever else you're thinking. It wasn't like that. It was just a conversation that was answered perfectly, in my opinion, by an Elder that Chris relates well too. An Elder that isn't a "stiffy" guy and talks about life as a NOT perfect teenager and whatnot. He's not a guy who was a good little Mormon his whole life, but because of that, him sharing his testimony on WHY he's decided to stick with the church after investigating it inside and out was so great for Chris. I said to Chris that I was sorry for talking about that stuff for so long (even though I really wanted to hear their answers), and Chris said he enjoyed it, actually. He and I both like REAL people, and these missionaries aren't afraid to be that, even if they're not supposed to talk about certain things or whatever. They aren't all "peter priesthood-y", but they're still very honourable guys serving the Lord. You know?

Totally off topic, but they even talked to me about that sex-toy party. Word in the streets of our ward got around, and they are so funny about it. But they're down to earth, and I can't STAND missionaries who come to my house and try to pressure us into having Chris sit through a discussion when he's already told them no. The FIRST missionary that he ever met did that, and it was sooo horrible. Like, way to go, retard! I'll only give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know better because he had only been out for a few weeks or something. REALLY green and ****REALLY*** ready to baptise every single person he met. Okay there, buddy. Ease up on the delusion pills!

Having them come over gave me a little peace in my jumbled thought process lately. Not like I'm "Cured" of whatever ails me. But I'm also feeling a TEESEY WEENSEY bit better about other things that have been bothering me. Maybe today was just my day of rest from my issues.

And someone asked me if "when (I) think about how hard that is, not being able to share the gospel with him, hoping that the "right" missionary will come and touch his life, and all that other stuff that is entwined with him not being a member....is marriage worth it?... Because he isn't Mormon and it does cause some differences in (my) marriage, do (I) wish (I) would have done anything differently?" Well, I think a lot of people wonder the same question of me, and so, instead of replying singularly to that person, I'll put it here, so that everyone understands.

Is marriage worth it with Chris? Definitely. I have 2 great kids I wouldn't have if I weren't married to him. I have someone who treats me amazingly, who I love and respect and admire and adore. Marriage itself is hard. There's been copious amounts of times that I've thought that it would be so much simpler to just divorce and start my life "properly" again by marrying someone in the church. I think most half-members feel that way. Well, at least those with my parents! But I know I'm pretty lucky.

So, because I love him, yes, it's worth it. Some days I wonder if I'll feel that it was worth it when my life is over. But I'm not going to live like that-- that's not living.

Do I wish I would have done anything differently? Well, here's my problem about living in the past. I wish I could go back to a day in April, 1996 when I decided to do a biology project with Beau. But I can't. My life wouldn't be anything like what it is now. But most of the time, I see more happiness in my life because of it than sadness. However, would I do my marriage differently. Yes. Without a doubt. I love Chris, so don't misunderstand this.

I think marrying in the temple gives blessings that you just don't know you're missing until it's too late. I will NEVER advocate to ANYONE that marriage outside of the temple is a wise choice. It may be a good choice, but it's not perfect. God's law is perfect, and I didn't choose that path. THAT'S the hard part to live with. I have so much love for my family, and yet I know I don't get to keep them in heaven beside me because of MY choices. Is that fair to them? I don't believe it is. But I'm going to do everything I can to correct that, to enjoy my life with them, and hope that someday I will get that chance to remedy this situation. I love Chris and LL and Bear, and I love the gospel. So I'm always torn. My Bishop once said that marriage outside the temple isn't a sin. And it's not. But you loose out on special things.

It's really hard to explain, and even typing this now doesn't really elucidate what I mean. But, for those of you who aren't married yet... I will NEVER tell you that civil marriage is the right choice. I firmly believe that you'll be a heck of a lot happier-- in the spiritual sense-- if you wait until you find that one who'll take you to the temple. They'll come, if you're willing to wait for them till the time is right. DO NOT think that they'll take you there later-- if they'll EVER take you there, then they'll take you there the first time if you make it clear to them that that's what you want.

So, I hope that answers EVERYONE'S questions. I'm sure it will spring up new ones. I'm sure there's some of you who think I'm unhappy in my marriage. I'm sorry you'll think that, because you're terribly askew on that.

I have it pretty good, actually. Not every temple marriage lasts for eternity, either, so maybe my civil marriage will last through to eternity. And then my family BETTER seal us, or I'll be sure to haunt every last one of them!

So, the day is over again. And what did I do today? Hrmm... well, nothing, actually. Another day of being too tired to do anything...
which has only made me and those around me a little suspicious.

Everyone keeps asking me if maybe I'm pregnant. Okay, before my sibs and friends start overreacting... as far as *I* or my doctor knows, I'm not. So relax.

But I'm always tired. I am hungry, I'm lazy. I'm having horrible mood swings (yeah, like that's a late breaking news flash). And we're moving. And LAST time I moved, I gave birth *ON* moving day 3 hours after possession!
That would SOOO be my luck again. Ug.

So, to dispel any fears on my part, I'm booking an appointment with the Doctor tomorrow. i tried today, but his phone was always busy. I have a stupid prescription for the pill ON my fridge, but you can't take it up to three weeks before any "mishaps", so it's been that long. I hate not being on the pill, because the alternatives really suck.

And actually, come to think of it, I did a lot of house-buying stuff today, because midnight tonight was our deadline to get our finances in order. Lots of runaround phone calls, fax machines that won't work, people needing us to sign this and fill out that... what a pain. I'll be so happy when they are just building the home and I'll be able to just sit back and watch it happen-- and all the stuff will be taken care of already.
Actually, I look forward to just being IN the house.

But my realtor says she may already have someone interested in buying our condo! That's cool, since we're not even ON the market yet. But it's the right price range and everything else, so it MAY be a good option. I don't really care WHO buys it, as long as it sells for a good profit. We got it for a steal 3 years ago, and it's gained a lot of equity in only that amount of time. We're definitely on the upswing from it, that's for sure.

I still haven't told my sister about moving though. I don't want her to know, since she's only a 5-10 minute drive from my home. We do everything together, and we're each other's permanent babysitter. We aren't in the same ward, though, so at least we live far enough away that we're not in each other's space 24/7. Still, I know she'll be a little disappointed, as I am. It's kinda bitter sweet. But at least I'm not moving to another city or anything. Just the opposite side of town.

I don't really want to tell ANYONE from my ward about it too. It's taken me so long to really feel like I have friends in this ward, and now I have to leave it. The ward I'm in is AWESOME.. and that doesn't happen just anywhere, unfortunately. It's full of young families, and I really need that to feel like I have people who I can talk to. And there's quite a few people who have a lot in common with me, whether it's children's ages, or half-member families, or whatever. Oh well, at least my closest cousin and her husband will be in my new ward. That's cool.

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Another Day

Another day, I'll try again, but can You tell me, will this hurting ever end? I've been taught, and I believe. But it's been a while since I've been on my knees. And I need Thee by my side. I don't have the strength to make it on my own. And, Lord, do You hear my prayers? How soon will You answer me?


Those are the words from an LDS song that I heard once, from a friend's CD that I don't know what it was called. But the song came to me in an hour of need 3 years ago, and it stuck. It's a beautiful melody, but the words are perfect.

I still feel like they are applying to my life today. In different ways entirely than they did when I first learned them, but just as succinctly.

It's so comforting to know others are as confused as I. That out there, I'm not crazy. I wish I just didn't FEEL like I am. I can't help but think that a good cry would make this ache go away, but I always thought that was ridiculous-- crying just for the sake of crying. I don't know what I'd cry ABOUT. The things that are cry-worthy, I've cried about them before, why keep crying?! That's just living MORE in the past than I currently do! And it's like laying down and doing nothing. That's SO not me. There were quite a few boyfriends who I got over faster than I am this feeling!

Maybe I'm having sympathy pains. There's a few people I love who are hurting, and so maybe I just ache for them, which is why I don't know why I'm sad.

Maybe it's depression. that seems to have run in my family genes, apparently. But that's stupid too, because EVERYONE would be on drugs if they diagnosed and cured what I'm feeling with pills. The entire female population. It FEELS like PMS, that sad, miserable, can't really control your feelings kind of feeling, but it's NOT PMS, which makes the whole thing that much more annoying and depressing. Give it a name, but for gosh darn it, call it SOMETHING!!

I did, however, find a break from that today and I got enough energy and motivation to fold the laundry that I've been conveniently avoiding since Monday. Which makes me glad that I accomplished SOMETHING, but then the thought that I only have to do laundry again next Monday (two days from today) creeps in and kinda flattens my elation.

What is with me lately? I feel so dumb! Total tangent, but I can't seem to think of ANY of the words I want to say! It's like my English capabilities are GONE! I love English, it's my favourite subject in school (or, was, when i was TAKING classes). I have such a large vocabulary, but being out of school now for over a year seems to be rotting my brain away. It's like my fat head is EATING all the 'fat' words I used to master.

Anyways, back to my pity party.

Actually, I'm kinda done with that whole woe-is-me thing. Even *I* don't want to read about it.

The missionaries are coming for dinner tomorrow. One of them goes home this week. We're not doing anything really great, just cooking a roast and yorkshires and some veggies, pretty generic. Oh well. It's too bad he's leaving, actually, because this set of Elders are the first to really get to know Chris. He likes being around them, joking with them. And I really believe that one day there will be that "one", the one who will just KNOW what Chris needs to hear and present it to him in such a way that Chris won't even see it. I know it sounds like I'm trying to change Chris. And I guess I am. But change for the better isn't wrong, is it? And I want him to change for himself, because he KNOWS the truth as I do, not because he knows I know the truth. It's a slight difference, but it's huge to me. I just want to share so many things with him that I can't share, and so, as he mentioned today, we'll NEVER have that as long as we stay the people we are today. We'll never totally be entwined to each other, there will always be a little strand of each other that the other can't "touch".

yeah, so there's a happy thought. So much for NOT doing the whole woe-is-me thing again. I asked him today if he is disappointed in me. (It seems to be a word I'm getting FAR too annoyed with *(those of you who know what I'm talking about, understand)* ) Like, is he disappointed that I'm not who he thought I was marrying. That I haven't turned out to be who he had wanted me to be. You know? He said no, as a good hubby should. But it's hard for me to think that he SHOULDN'T be disappointed. I mean, I even asked him, what did I really do this last year that's notable?

He said raised two kids, was pregnant, had a baby. Wow. Whop-dee-doo. Three whole things that are all encompassing of the other. I didn't get any smarter, I didn't get any prettier, I didn't get any nicer. I got fatter, and dumber, and lazier and boring-er (that's not a word, see-- I'm dumber! :P ) And I grew spiritually.

Which is the one saving grace of this last year. However, it STILL goes back to having a baby, because if Bear hadn't have gotten sick, then he wouldn't have had the blessing, then I wouldn't have had the confirmation that I had, then I wouldn't have the testimony that I have today. Hopefully that feeling won't EVER leave me, and my testimony won't dwindle ever again. I hate being unsure about important things, so I'm glad that I'm not unsure about that today.

Okay, this post is long enough. I'm not going for a Pulitzer here!

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Dreams and Reality

Once again it's just me and the computer, the monitor wailing it's monotonous pitch, sounding loud enough to wake the world that sleeps around me.

I can't sleep lately. I need the sleep, I need to get better. I need the peace found in slumber. And I don't know where to find it or how. I think too much. I think about everything that's nothing, and make myself sick with stress. I dream in dreams that aren't soothing. Not nightmares, per say, just dreams of busy-ness, dreams of reality. What kind of dream is reality anyways? And yet, when I finally manage to con my body into giving up this insomnia, it lashes back with restlessness. And the morning comes earlier and earlier every day. the day, longer and longer. The needs of my children larger and larger. And my house? Disgustingly dirtier and dirtier.

I hate it. But this rut I have managed to dig with my wont has left me with my fingernails bleeding. How can I get out when I don't really know what I'm getting out OF?

Maybe my nose has gotten me here. Sticking it into places it never belonged in the first place. Maybe my heart, finding a resting place on my sleeve, is to blame. Maybe it's as simple as my fat, repulsive body.

I have never claimed to have been born in a manger, but some people's crosses aren't made of wood. They're laundry and family and pride-- a deadly combination that is stronger than any MDF.

And some of the voices in my head are right, though most are just vacantly ranting of yesteryear.

My patriarchal blessing gives such great promises. How much of those promises have I lost through my wickedness? How many times does those future pages of my life get erased before they actually get to the "too late" time period? What can I still receive? Have I messed up chances for certain things because of my marriage? Because of my greed? Because of my impatience?

I'm so impatient. I want what that blessing says NOW. I want to be that person that few others can see in me. Hey, I can't really see HOW they see that, since even I can't see it from the inside out! Who are they seeing? the dream or the reality?

It's getting close to the time where there won't be next week to fix things. Where the counsel will have been given one too many times, and for lack of following it, I'm left behind with half a year's food storage. With a mortgage. Without a temple recommend. Without enough faith.

Faith. Actually, I may be alright on that street corner. The others? I know humility goes a long way-- but I'm a long way from humility!

Maybe the reason I can't sleep is because I'm afraid to sleep. Maybe I'm worried that tomorrow will be that day. That Chris will just up and stop loving me. That I'll just up and stop loving him! That I'll be so self-absorbed that I'll miss my children's love. Maybe I'm worried that I WON'T dream in reality, and then I'm not even sure of sleeping anymore. At least this way, I know what to expect.

Do I sound like my mother? Controlling and needing to know and be part of everything, even dreaming?!!? I need to be needed. I need to help people. Aye, there's the rub-- my idea of helping them, is it really assisting them or hindering them? Is it MY way, or the right way?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Simple Complexities

Well, I feel like I have so much to say, and yet, I also feel like I don't want to really say any of it.

I'm currently reading The Work and The Glory series, and it's absolutely some of the best books written! I was kinda deprived in seminary-- I was the year that they changed the Book of Mormon and Doctrine And Covenants to match Sunday school, so I ended up getting two years of BoM and missing DnC completely. It really made me a little disappointed because everyone had said how much fun they thought DnC was. I also missed out on learning church history, and so FINALLY (how many years later?!) I read the entire DnC last year. I got nothing out of it. It seemed alright, and I really tried to find things in it that I needed to read-- and I got a few messages out of it, but the storyline of where it all came from made no sense to me. So, now that I'm reading these books, even though they're fictional, I really understand the circumstances around events that I've always known ABOUT, but never really understood. It's a great series... read it.

Last Saturday sucked. really sucked. I answered the door, and standing there were obvious missionaries from another church. Oh great, I thought. But it was FREEZING cold, so instead of talking to them with the door open, I told them to come in and warm up a bit. I'm not the kind who shoves them away-- I've never been able to be that rude. And they're usually nice, pleasant people only trying to do what they think is right. They're really no different in purpose than OUR missionaries, and heck, it was freezing out! So, these ones were Jehovah's Witnesses. I was really relieved at that, actually, because I had Baptist ones come to my house and left me with a spirit that I NEVER want in my house again! I could go on about baptists-- at least, the one's I've met... but that'll have to be another day.

Anyways, so they come in and told me that my husband, Chris, told them to come back another day, so here they are. That kinda bugged me-- he KNOWS I don't like having these people question me about my beliefs, and that I'm not really the kind to bible-bash with them. In fact, even if I was, I don't have the knowledge or testimony to. These people know their scriptures inside-out and backwards! When they knew that I was Mormon, they proceeded to show me a scripture that really bothered me. It still does, and we're having the missionaries over for dinner next Sunday, so I'll bring it up with them as well as here. The scripture was found in Galatians 1, verse 8-9. It reads, But though we, OR AN ANGEL FROM HEAVEN, preach any other gospel to you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed. That kinda bugged me. Actually, it bugged me a lot. It's weird though, because it didn't really shake my testimony, I just didn't know what to say in response to that. So, if I look at that scripture, then all of Angel Moroni coming to Joseph is accursed. And then the BoM is accursed. And everything I believe is accursed. It makes no sense to me.
Anyways, the thoughts that run through my head with that kinda range from doubt to denial to disbelief to disregard... everything!

And then I had to go to work, and we were out really late, and no one was even there, so it was a total waste of my time. I hate that.

I came home and talked to my sibling on the phone, having a rather disturbing phone call. I'm not getting into it, because I'm still digesting most of it and I'm afraid that my emotions will take over my rational thinking and I'll say something that will be oh-too-oft misunderstood. But, for explanation, my reaction isn't stemmed from what she's done or doing or whatever. It stems from being lied to. Mostly.

I hate being lied to. I hate indirect lying, but more importantly, I hate lying straight to my face. And that happened twice. By two different people. It's one thing to be lied to by someone stupid, it's totally another to be lied to from people you love and who love you back. I am hurt by that most of all. And then, on top of that all, I put a relationship with my own mother out on a broken tree limb just to defend them, but in truth, they had deceived me and made MY relationship with My mother suffer because of it. That totally pisses me off.

Anyways, not getting started or I'll be ranting about it for days. Maybe some day I'll be able to get over it, but I'm not today, and frankly, I'm not ready to.