Well, there's a silver lining to every cloud, so they say. And although it's still raining on my emotions lately, I can see the "god clouds" in the distance.
The Elders had dinner, and I finally asked them the questions that I've been meaning to ask SOMEone. Like the one about plural marriage. And that one about angels in Galatians. It really helped. Really. And for one of the FIRST times in my marriage, the topic of conversation stayed on religious things for most of the night. And it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable or pushy.
Now, don't misread this, all you out there who are silently saying, "great, Chris is so much closer to the gospel now!" or whatever else you're thinking. It wasn't like that. It was just a conversation that was answered perfectly, in my opinion, by an Elder that Chris relates well too. An Elder that isn't a "stiffy" guy and talks about life as a NOT perfect teenager and whatnot. He's not a guy who was a good little Mormon his whole life, but because of that, him sharing his testimony on WHY he's decided to stick with the church after investigating it inside and out was so great for Chris. I said to Chris that I was sorry for talking about that stuff for so long (even though I really wanted to hear their answers), and Chris said he enjoyed it, actually. He and I both like REAL people, and these missionaries aren't afraid to be that, even if they're not supposed to talk about certain things or whatever. They aren't all "peter priesthood-y", but they're still very honourable guys serving the Lord. You know?
Totally off topic, but they even talked to me about that sex-toy party. Word in the streets of our ward got around, and they are so funny about it. But they're down to earth, and I can't STAND missionaries who come to my house and try to pressure us into having Chris sit through a discussion when he's already told them no. The FIRST missionary that he ever met did that, and it was sooo horrible. Like, way to go, retard! I'll only give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know better because he had only been out for a few weeks or something. REALLY green and ****REALLY*** ready to baptise every single person he met. Okay there, buddy. Ease up on the delusion pills!
Having them come over gave me a little peace in my jumbled thought process lately. Not like I'm "Cured" of whatever ails me. But I'm also feeling a TEESEY WEENSEY bit better about other things that have been bothering me. Maybe today was just my day of rest from my issues.
And someone asked me if "when (I) think about how hard that is, not being able to share the gospel with him, hoping that the "right" missionary will come and touch his life, and all that other stuff that is entwined with him not being a member....is marriage worth it?... Because he isn't Mormon and it does cause some differences in (my) marriage, do (I) wish (I) would have done anything differently?" Well, I think a lot of people wonder the same question of me, and so, instead of replying singularly to that person, I'll put it here, so that everyone understands.
Is marriage worth it with Chris? Definitely. I have 2 great kids I wouldn't have if I weren't married to him. I have someone who treats me amazingly, who I love and respect and admire and adore. Marriage itself is hard. There's been copious amounts of times that I've thought that it would be so much simpler to just divorce and start my life "properly" again by marrying someone in the church. I think most half-members feel that way. Well, at least those with my parents! But I know I'm pretty lucky.
So, because I love him, yes, it's worth it. Some days I wonder if I'll feel that it was worth it when my life is over. But I'm not going to live like that-- that's not living.
Do I wish I would have done anything differently? Well, here's my problem about living in the past. I wish I could go back to a day in April, 1996 when I decided to do a biology project with Beau. But I can't. My life wouldn't be anything like what it is now. But most of the time, I see more happiness in my life because of it than sadness. However, would I do my marriage differently. Yes. Without a doubt. I love Chris, so don't misunderstand this.
I think marrying in the temple gives blessings that you just don't know you're missing until it's too late. I will NEVER advocate to ANYONE that marriage outside of the temple is a wise choice. It may be a good choice, but it's not perfect. God's law is perfect, and I didn't choose that path. THAT'S the hard part to live with. I have so much love for my family, and yet I know I don't get to keep them in heaven beside me because of MY choices. Is that fair to them? I don't believe it is. But I'm going to do everything I can to correct that, to enjoy my life with them, and hope that someday I will get that chance to remedy this situation. I love Chris and LL and Bear, and I love the gospel. So I'm always torn. My Bishop once said that marriage outside the temple isn't a sin. And it's not. But you loose out on special things.
It's really hard to explain, and even typing this now doesn't really elucidate what I mean. But, for those of you who aren't married yet... I will NEVER tell you that civil marriage is the right choice. I firmly believe that you'll be a heck of a lot happier-- in the spiritual sense-- if you wait until you find that one who'll take you to the temple. They'll come, if you're willing to wait for them till the time is right. DO NOT think that they'll take you there later-- if they'll EVER take you there, then they'll take you there the first time if you make it clear to them that that's what you want.
So, I hope that answers EVERYONE'S questions. I'm sure it will spring up new ones. I'm sure there's some of you who think I'm unhappy in my marriage. I'm sorry you'll think that, because you're terribly askew on that.
I have it pretty good, actually. Not every temple marriage lasts for eternity, either, so maybe my civil marriage will last through to eternity. And then my family BETTER seal us, or I'll be sure to haunt every last one of them!
So, the day is over again. And what did I do today? Hrmm... well, nothing, actually. Another day of being too tired to do anything...
which has only made me and those around me a little suspicious.
Everyone keeps asking me if maybe I'm pregnant. Okay, before my sibs and friends start overreacting... as far as *I* or my doctor knows, I'm not. So relax.
But I'm always tired. I am hungry, I'm lazy. I'm having horrible mood swings (yeah, like that's a late breaking news flash). And we're moving. And LAST time I moved, I gave birth *ON* moving day 3 hours after possession!
That would SOOO be my luck again. Ug.
So, to dispel any fears on my part, I'm booking an appointment with the Doctor tomorrow. i tried today, but his phone was always busy. I have a stupid prescription for the pill ON my fridge, but you can't take it up to three weeks before any "mishaps", so it's been that long. I hate not being on the pill, because the alternatives really suck.
And actually, come to think of it, I did a lot of house-buying stuff today, because midnight tonight was our deadline to get our finances in order. Lots of runaround phone calls, fax machines that won't work, people needing us to sign this and fill out that... what a pain. I'll be so happy when they are just building the home and I'll be able to just sit back and watch it happen-- and all the stuff will be taken care of already.
Actually, I look forward to just being IN the house.
But my realtor says she may already have someone interested in buying our condo! That's cool, since we're not even ON the market yet. But it's the right price range and everything else, so it MAY be a good option. I don't really care WHO buys it, as long as it sells for a good profit. We got it for a steal 3 years ago, and it's gained a lot of equity in only that amount of time. We're definitely on the upswing from it, that's for sure.
I still haven't told my sister about moving though. I don't want her to know, since she's only a 5-10 minute drive from my home. We do everything together, and we're each other's permanent babysitter. We aren't in the same ward, though, so at least we live far enough away that we're not in each other's space 24/7. Still, I know she'll be a little disappointed, as I am. It's kinda bitter sweet. But at least I'm not moving to another city or anything. Just the opposite side of town.
I don't really want to tell ANYONE from my ward about it too. It's taken me so long to really feel like I have friends in this ward, and now I have to leave it. The ward I'm in is AWESOME.. and that doesn't happen just anywhere, unfortunately. It's full of young families, and I really need that to feel like I have people who I can talk to. And there's quite a few people who have a lot in common with me, whether it's children's ages, or half-member families, or whatever. Oh well, at least my closest cousin and her husband will be in my new ward. That's cool.
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