I Dreamed a Dream

I don't know why I held my passport in my hand. No bags. Just a passport. I knew I was in a rush to get somewhere.. not a panicked rush, but that time was of the essence.
As I'm heading down the long halls of the airport, I go through a set of glass doors to another set of glass doors, and end up in a room. All glass doors and latches- lots and lots of them. But I can't figure out where the door is-- all the walls look the same and I can't find the right door. When I find a door, it's locked. And the next one. And the next one. And that one looks like a door, but it's just another glass wall. There's someone on the other side of the door- a female, a family member...my mother or sister. Waiting, but not impatiently. They know I'll figure out how to get out.

**************

Somehow I'm in a race. Like an Olympic race, but not. And the sport is like a marathon with tobogganing... or, like, an Iditarod! I have my toboggan in my hand, (which, oddly, changes from a crazy carpet to an old-fashioned wooden and sturdy type) and everyone else in the race has gone on way ahead of me. I know they're up there, but I'm not worried about coming in last. I'll get there. I walk up the hill, following the footprints of the people gone on. At the top of the hill, still carrying the toboggan, I start to walk down. Silly me realizes I can SLIDE down the hill, like MOST people would. So I hop on the toboggan and descend. I wasn't going too FAST down the hill, and it was easy since the tracks from everyone else were there. But, near the bottom of the hill, the tracks aren't as easy to follow. There's three distinct directions people went in. No one is around (no guides, no markers) to ask for help. I can tell from the path on the left that not many people went that way, and it is obvious from their footprints that they kinda walked around in circles, avoiding trees and tall shrubs and getting stuck. The path on the right is a bit more travelled. I knew this one was a shortcut. But there were a lot of footprints again, an indication I knew to be of an incorrect, cheaters path. Then, AFTER seeing these two paths, I see the path straight in the middle. The hard-packed snow of previous toboganners, and it was smooth from their tracks. No footprints. It was the longer way, but it was the right way.

Be My Joseph!

I have had some weird dreams lately.

One in particular, I'm bringing up with you guys to get your ideas on the meaning. So, if you feel inclined, lemme know your interpretations.


I was somewhere familiar. In someone's home- possibly mine, as I felt like I was very comfortable there. It may have been my parents' home. With the kids, and Chris, and all my family members and even a few friends. There was a bad guy, some Russian-like mafia guy who was OBVIOUSLY out to create sadness in our lives. I didn't know if he'd kill us, or put us in slavery or something, but I knew we didn't want to let him get us. Everyone was afraid of him and knew that him catching us would prove very bad in our lives. We could see him walking toward us, kinda up a hill. I started to worry, and started to initiate the 'evacuation'. Everyone else was worried about him and knew he was a bad man who was going to hurt our family somehow, but they started dallying. Started complaining that they couldn't find their shoes, or that they haven't packed enough of the 500 LBS of food storage. That their 72 hour packs weren't packed ENOUGH (even know we all knew they were done exactly right). My sisters, their kids... EVERYONE-- just kept finding stupid things that were keeping us from leaving RIGHT AWAY! I kept telling Chris, "we HAVE to go! He's RIGHT THERE!!" and Chris would nod his head and do something stupid like start making sandwiches for the car-ride. My kids were playing with their cousins. I was the only one. The only one in EVERYONE I KNEW who was seriously worried and seriously moving. Who cared about shoes? You had to GO! But I knew I couldn't leave on my own- I knew I'd be in MORE danger out there alone and I knew I wouldn't be okay with leaving everyone I loved to possibly die. and possibly NEVER seeing them again.



that was it. I don't know if the man ever caught us. I don't know if we got away.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 4)

So sad about Sister Hinkley. Odd, typing that made me feel like I should call her "president hinkley" or something grander than "sister" the way we call all women. Weird. She was such a role-model, a female figure of love and companionship.

I went by the house today, they have footing up. But, for some odd reason the house is tilted really strangely-- like, it appears as though you won't be able to see the front door from the street, the house will be on too much of an angle. It kinda made me frustrated... but it's too late now anyways, and I guess it isn't REALLY that big of a deal. I don't have to sit there living in my front lawn or anything!


Tito peed ONCE, so far... on LL's couch/bed. Arg. But at least it's been only there, once, in a week. not bad. Now he's just trying to DART out the door! *(let me outta this place---)*

Took on nannying that child again, full-time now. She's a little sick still, so she's a bit cranky. But hey, she sleeps a lot! :)

Actually, it's kinda good for me. You see, here's my personal secret... Chris would be content to be finished having children as we stand right now. But, I want two more. No, let me rephrase that... I SEE two more.

I believe that's the gift the Lord blessed the women of this world with-- the ability to see a kitchen table that isn't there yet, or a setting that hasn't been experienced yet... four kids. that's what I see. I'll even be as bold as to say two boys and two girls. (don't quote me on that one)

So, we 'agreed' on having three-- middle ground. HOWEVER, I feel too strongly to stop at three. i want four. Four. not five. Not ten. Four. So, eventually we'll try for the third child, once Bear's older. But--- and all this rambling will make sense now-- I have decided that I want twins. THEN, I'll get my four, and he will "kinda" have his three pregnancies.

Sneaky? Yes. I'm guilty. But, what should I do? He will NEVER understand if I tell him about this feeling-- 1: he's a man. 2: he's a man who doesn't believe in spiritual promptings. Not good odds.

SOOOOO, having that child here could be a good way to practice having twins. AND boy/girl twins at that.

I'm probably disillusioning myself. I'm going to try to get fertility drugs since twins don't run in the family. But, I do realize that if the LORD wants to send two to me, He'll do it with or without drugs. I'm just "helping" the odds. :) And if he doesn't, I'll be lucky and have conjoint twins or something and He'll be all, "see, told you not to mess with me!"

yah, that'll be more likely. Whatever. I should really learn not to ask for things if I don't want them in the Form the LORD wants to give them to me.

it's the whole, careful what you wish for, thing.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Insomnia is a Punishment?

So, the Elders came over again. We talked about stuff, mostly about bad stuff that happened before I got married. It was really odd, telling them things and all that. I guess I've tried so hard to put that behind me and forget about it. In fact, I don't really like remembering it in the first place, so bringing it up always sounds weird.

They were asking questions and stuff, about how I knew that Chris was the guy I wanted to marry. Talking about when I was doing things wrong in my life before-- how I felt, what I did about it, what changed anything... Kinda weird stuff like that. I know they were just trying to understand us and everything, and they're AWESOME missionaries, but I hated thinking back about that time in my life.

Which really sucks, because I dream about it all the time. Lame-o as it sounds, I often go to bed imagining what the new house is going to look like, what colours and furniture and yada yada... but when I fall asleep, I end up dreaming about sexual things. Memories of certain people that I don't want to have. And situations that just SUCK! Oddly enough, and I'm sure a load of you will laugh at this, but my mother is almost ALWAYS in my dreams!!! Disturbing.

Funny, too, on the totally opposite side of the fence, I always tend to wish I could "relive" that time in my life. I had fun, for the most part. I had no cares, I had good friends. The soundtrack to my life was as eclectic as Micheal Jackson's headshots. So, on one hand I wish I could go back, but on the other hand I hate remembering things about it.

I know I've been forgiven for things that I did, and I've been through the temple and stuff since, and it's NOT an issue anymore. So why don't I feel peace about it all? Why do I still feel haunted?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Going Once, Going Twice, Sold To the Lady With The Shopping Cart Home

So another day, another dull hair.

It was such a nice break to get a "sleep in" today. Because it was Stake conference, I stayed home. I know, I know, you're all going to sound like my mother. I don't need that-- when I talked to her yesterday, and mentioned that i wasn't going, her lack of reaction on the other end was lecture enough. Man, I hate that. I'm sure she was biting her tongue to a pulp with all the things she DIDN'T say to me yesterday...

Chris got up with the kids, made eggs, of course, since that's his thing to do when he's home. LL loves it. It only sucked that I wasn't really tired this morning-- of all the mornings, the one I actually get to sleep in for, I wasn't sleepy. meh. I managed to get back to sleep, dreaming ridiculous dreams as always, until I was awoken by the family-- Bear was hungry, as usual.

We went to work, looked at some REALLY pricey homes, then went to my sister's house for a birthday party for my nephew. He's such a cutie. I have cute nephews ans nieces-- even if some of them are dumb as rocks sometimes! See story below!! lol

Last night was kinda funny, kinda sad. See, Marce, my sister, was coming home from Ottawa via Calgary, so my sis here and I went to the airport to meet her. We brought my kids and four of hers. When I got there, her flight had been delayed about an HOUR!!!, so we took the kids to "kids' port", this playroom thingy. When her flight finally came in, she didn't get off the plane. We assume she wasn't allowed, because she had to be back on the plane in half an hour to get to Vancouver. It was so funny, my niece, a drama queen, said "I don't know how I'm ever gonna live if I don't see my Auntie". What a character. She's so blonde. So, we never got to see her. Which, in one way, was a good thing-- I had picked up MCDonald's for her, knowing that Westjet doesn't serve food and that she'd be hungry. But, because her flight was so late, the fries were rubbery, the burgers were soggy and cold, and the drink was flat and lukewarm. Nasty. I mean, McD's is gross at the best of times, but an HOUR after you get it... that's just repulsive. Oh well... LL enjoyed the nasty fries on the way home, and I drank the dyed sugar water. The burgers, well, they're probably going for top dollar on the seagulls auction down at the airport garbage bins.

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Dreams and Reality

Once again it's just me and the computer, the monitor wailing it's monotonous pitch, sounding loud enough to wake the world that sleeps around me.

I can't sleep lately. I need the sleep, I need to get better. I need the peace found in slumber. And I don't know where to find it or how. I think too much. I think about everything that's nothing, and make myself sick with stress. I dream in dreams that aren't soothing. Not nightmares, per say, just dreams of busy-ness, dreams of reality. What kind of dream is reality anyways? And yet, when I finally manage to con my body into giving up this insomnia, it lashes back with restlessness. And the morning comes earlier and earlier every day. the day, longer and longer. The needs of my children larger and larger. And my house? Disgustingly dirtier and dirtier.

I hate it. But this rut I have managed to dig with my wont has left me with my fingernails bleeding. How can I get out when I don't really know what I'm getting out OF?

Maybe my nose has gotten me here. Sticking it into places it never belonged in the first place. Maybe my heart, finding a resting place on my sleeve, is to blame. Maybe it's as simple as my fat, repulsive body.

I have never claimed to have been born in a manger, but some people's crosses aren't made of wood. They're laundry and family and pride-- a deadly combination that is stronger than any MDF.

And some of the voices in my head are right, though most are just vacantly ranting of yesteryear.

My patriarchal blessing gives such great promises. How much of those promises have I lost through my wickedness? How many times does those future pages of my life get erased before they actually get to the "too late" time period? What can I still receive? Have I messed up chances for certain things because of my marriage? Because of my greed? Because of my impatience?

I'm so impatient. I want what that blessing says NOW. I want to be that person that few others can see in me. Hey, I can't really see HOW they see that, since even I can't see it from the inside out! Who are they seeing? the dream or the reality?

It's getting close to the time where there won't be next week to fix things. Where the counsel will have been given one too many times, and for lack of following it, I'm left behind with half a year's food storage. With a mortgage. Without a temple recommend. Without enough faith.

Faith. Actually, I may be alright on that street corner. The others? I know humility goes a long way-- but I'm a long way from humility!

Maybe the reason I can't sleep is because I'm afraid to sleep. Maybe I'm worried that tomorrow will be that day. That Chris will just up and stop loving me. That I'll just up and stop loving him! That I'll be so self-absorbed that I'll miss my children's love. Maybe I'm worried that I WON'T dream in reality, and then I'm not even sure of sleeping anymore. At least this way, I know what to expect.

Do I sound like my mother? Controlling and needing to know and be part of everything, even dreaming?!!? I need to be needed. I need to help people. Aye, there's the rub-- my idea of helping them, is it really assisting them or hindering them? Is it MY way, or the right way?

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Styrofoam Doesn't Absorb Very Well

So, my daughter's gonna drive me to drink. She's into this "peeing" habit. She's trained, but lately she just pees on whatever she wants. Today alone, she's peed her pants, the bathroom floor (which could just mean that she couldn't get there fast enough, I'll give her that one), she peed ON my sister's lap!!! EWW. And just now, she peed on the computer room floor, on a pile of Styrofoam balls, just to see what would happen. I watched the whole thing.
What a pain in the butt. It's almost as bad as my dumb cat, who pees on the bathroom mats and the down comforters on our beds! ARGGG... I mean, what's with PEE and my house!!!

EWW.


More stupid dreams last night. Always with some of the same people... living in memories, but the incidences are all current. It's weird. Maybe I should just move back home. Maybe I shouldn't. Chris wouldn't leave anyways, and I know my parents and probably my siblings will all move out to Alberta eventually, so why would I go there when they'll only leave. And I'll have to leave everyone all over again?!

My brother got his papers in on Sunday. That's pretty exciting news. I really hope he goes somewhere with bad food, like Taiwan or something... LOL. He needs that. Actually, he doesn't. He's so skinny already because he never eats. He needs to go... to somewhere Italian or Spanish where they feed missionaries like CRAZY!!!