Wishing For Daisy Halos - Only ONE Blue Line!!

I'm not pregnant. Thankfully. My friend is convinced that this mood of mine is depression, but I don't think so. And neither did my doctor, so I'm not worried. But I'm REALLY glad I'm not pregnant.. I can't wait to stop nursing, I couldn't imagine not having a break between kids.
I get a break on Sunday, though. It's stake conference, so I told Chris I'm sleeping in and taking some much needed me time. He is fine with that.
Anyways, nothing to say tonight. And Bear's awakening. Poohey.

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Who Didn't Put the Pee Back In The Fridge?!

I need a serious break. Like, seriously. I finally feel like the thread is going to snap, and I'm so afraid it's going to escalate into something I'll really regret.
I'm so angry today. Probably a mixture of being tired and stressed.
I can't think of a better way to say it than I'm tired of being a mother. I want a day off, some TIME off. I mean, I love my kids, but I need ME time. I have them from first thing in the morning and then all day. Do dishes, make meals, clean house, do laundry, entertain kids, feed Bear a bagillion times. Then I usually have to take them to work with me, packing them in the car, taking them up to the office, back into the car, drive around trying to work and still ignore their crying or incessant whining for McDonald's in the rear seat. I come home, and it's bed time. I get to put them to bed, but even then, JD only sleeps for a few hours before he needs me to feed him again. No sleep. No rest. No break.
I knew when Chris took this job that he'd work the "occasional" Saturday.. or so he told me. But no, he's worked EVERY Saturday. That USED to be my sleep-in day. But it's not anymore. No, Saturday turns out pretty much like any other day. Except Sunday, when I get to wake up with the kids and get them ready for church. take them there, by myself usually, and then deal with over 25 nursery kids for two hours. One of which is obviously LL, and of course, Bear's with me then too. So then I come home and get to clean up the house that Chris has neglected... no matter how many times I tell him that i need more help around the house.
When is it MY time? I need that right now. Chris gets home too late to take the kids while I'm at work, but then again, I'm working, so that's not really a break. i deal with losers and rude people. yeah, that's the kinda time I love to spend alone!
In fact, I just lost it on LL. She hasn't been going to bed until like 10 or 11 at night, and i can't handle that anymore. Then, I come down here for the only time I manage to fit between Bear's feeds, and I hear her upstairs. I go up there, and she's managed to pee on the floor in front of the fridge. Obviously not for attention, since I wouldn't have known about it-- she thought I was sleeping... So I can't figure her out. I lost it.
I spanked her butt, yelled, got so angry.
I hate being like that, but I'm still really fuming about it, and that makes me more mad. I don't like to hurt her. But it just gets to that point and SNAP!!!
I need to calm down, and yet, I have nothing to do. Go to bed. Get some sleep. Maybe I'll go have a long shower or something.
ARG.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Crack Addicts Don't Do So Well In Blood Tests

So, I went and actually accomplished something today.
It was really funny, actually. I called my doctor to set up that appointment, and the receptionist goes, "well, why don't you just come in when you bring in Bear today". I'm all "WHAT!!!!". Aparently, Bear had a doctor's appointment today, and I didn't even know. What a scatter-brain! She musta thought I was some crack-addict Mom!
So, we went there, then i got my blood test at the clinic, then we went and got Bear's Birth certificate forms filled out and filed. Then I hung at my sister's for a while, and then came home and napped! It was a great nap. I think my whole problem lately is just not getting enough sleep, because Bear and LL slept in a little today, but it made a world of a difference.
Chris got two box-seat tickets to the Flames' hockey game tonight, so we were able to go on a date without the kids and have some fun. We won, and it wasn't too bad of a game to watch, actually, QUITE different crowd than the Canucks' games, that's for sure. It was nice, except I hate that my boobs will all of a sudden start leaking while I'm talking to a bunch of Chris' work buddies. Yeah, lovely.
So, tomorrow I wake early to watch my sister's kids, then head off downtown to fill out some more house forms and junk. Blah. How terribly lame.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Croissants in the Oven, and Long Tunnel

Well, there's a silver lining to every cloud, so they say. And although it's still raining on my emotions lately, I can see the "god clouds" in the distance.

The Elders had dinner, and I finally asked them the questions that I've been meaning to ask SOMEone. Like the one about plural marriage. And that one about angels in Galatians. It really helped. Really. And for one of the FIRST times in my marriage, the topic of conversation stayed on religious things for most of the night. And it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable or pushy.

Now, don't misread this, all you out there who are silently saying, "great, Chris is so much closer to the gospel now!" or whatever else you're thinking. It wasn't like that. It was just a conversation that was answered perfectly, in my opinion, by an Elder that Chris relates well too. An Elder that isn't a "stiffy" guy and talks about life as a NOT perfect teenager and whatnot. He's not a guy who was a good little Mormon his whole life, but because of that, him sharing his testimony on WHY he's decided to stick with the church after investigating it inside and out was so great for Chris. I said to Chris that I was sorry for talking about that stuff for so long (even though I really wanted to hear their answers), and Chris said he enjoyed it, actually. He and I both like REAL people, and these missionaries aren't afraid to be that, even if they're not supposed to talk about certain things or whatever. They aren't all "peter priesthood-y", but they're still very honourable guys serving the Lord. You know?

Totally off topic, but they even talked to me about that sex-toy party. Word in the streets of our ward got around, and they are so funny about it. But they're down to earth, and I can't STAND missionaries who come to my house and try to pressure us into having Chris sit through a discussion when he's already told them no. The FIRST missionary that he ever met did that, and it was sooo horrible. Like, way to go, retard! I'll only give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know better because he had only been out for a few weeks or something. REALLY green and ****REALLY*** ready to baptise every single person he met. Okay there, buddy. Ease up on the delusion pills!

Having them come over gave me a little peace in my jumbled thought process lately. Not like I'm "Cured" of whatever ails me. But I'm also feeling a TEESEY WEENSEY bit better about other things that have been bothering me. Maybe today was just my day of rest from my issues.

And someone asked me if "when (I) think about how hard that is, not being able to share the gospel with him, hoping that the "right" missionary will come and touch his life, and all that other stuff that is entwined with him not being a member....is marriage worth it?... Because he isn't Mormon and it does cause some differences in (my) marriage, do (I) wish (I) would have done anything differently?" Well, I think a lot of people wonder the same question of me, and so, instead of replying singularly to that person, I'll put it here, so that everyone understands.

Is marriage worth it with Chris? Definitely. I have 2 great kids I wouldn't have if I weren't married to him. I have someone who treats me amazingly, who I love and respect and admire and adore. Marriage itself is hard. There's been copious amounts of times that I've thought that it would be so much simpler to just divorce and start my life "properly" again by marrying someone in the church. I think most half-members feel that way. Well, at least those with my parents! But I know I'm pretty lucky.

So, because I love him, yes, it's worth it. Some days I wonder if I'll feel that it was worth it when my life is over. But I'm not going to live like that-- that's not living.

Do I wish I would have done anything differently? Well, here's my problem about living in the past. I wish I could go back to a day in April, 1996 when I decided to do a biology project with Beau. But I can't. My life wouldn't be anything like what it is now. But most of the time, I see more happiness in my life because of it than sadness. However, would I do my marriage differently. Yes. Without a doubt. I love Chris, so don't misunderstand this.

I think marrying in the temple gives blessings that you just don't know you're missing until it's too late. I will NEVER advocate to ANYONE that marriage outside of the temple is a wise choice. It may be a good choice, but it's not perfect. God's law is perfect, and I didn't choose that path. THAT'S the hard part to live with. I have so much love for my family, and yet I know I don't get to keep them in heaven beside me because of MY choices. Is that fair to them? I don't believe it is. But I'm going to do everything I can to correct that, to enjoy my life with them, and hope that someday I will get that chance to remedy this situation. I love Chris and LL and Bear, and I love the gospel. So I'm always torn. My Bishop once said that marriage outside the temple isn't a sin. And it's not. But you loose out on special things.

It's really hard to explain, and even typing this now doesn't really elucidate what I mean. But, for those of you who aren't married yet... I will NEVER tell you that civil marriage is the right choice. I firmly believe that you'll be a heck of a lot happier-- in the spiritual sense-- if you wait until you find that one who'll take you to the temple. They'll come, if you're willing to wait for them till the time is right. DO NOT think that they'll take you there later-- if they'll EVER take you there, then they'll take you there the first time if you make it clear to them that that's what you want.

So, I hope that answers EVERYONE'S questions. I'm sure it will spring up new ones. I'm sure there's some of you who think I'm unhappy in my marriage. I'm sorry you'll think that, because you're terribly askew on that.

I have it pretty good, actually. Not every temple marriage lasts for eternity, either, so maybe my civil marriage will last through to eternity. And then my family BETTER seal us, or I'll be sure to haunt every last one of them!

So, the day is over again. And what did I do today? Hrmm... well, nothing, actually. Another day of being too tired to do anything...
which has only made me and those around me a little suspicious.

Everyone keeps asking me if maybe I'm pregnant. Okay, before my sibs and friends start overreacting... as far as *I* or my doctor knows, I'm not. So relax.

But I'm always tired. I am hungry, I'm lazy. I'm having horrible mood swings (yeah, like that's a late breaking news flash). And we're moving. And LAST time I moved, I gave birth *ON* moving day 3 hours after possession!
That would SOOO be my luck again. Ug.

So, to dispel any fears on my part, I'm booking an appointment with the Doctor tomorrow. i tried today, but his phone was always busy. I have a stupid prescription for the pill ON my fridge, but you can't take it up to three weeks before any "mishaps", so it's been that long. I hate not being on the pill, because the alternatives really suck.

And actually, come to think of it, I did a lot of house-buying stuff today, because midnight tonight was our deadline to get our finances in order. Lots of runaround phone calls, fax machines that won't work, people needing us to sign this and fill out that... what a pain. I'll be so happy when they are just building the home and I'll be able to just sit back and watch it happen-- and all the stuff will be taken care of already.
Actually, I look forward to just being IN the house.

But my realtor says she may already have someone interested in buying our condo! That's cool, since we're not even ON the market yet. But it's the right price range and everything else, so it MAY be a good option. I don't really care WHO buys it, as long as it sells for a good profit. We got it for a steal 3 years ago, and it's gained a lot of equity in only that amount of time. We're definitely on the upswing from it, that's for sure.

I still haven't told my sister about moving though. I don't want her to know, since she's only a 5-10 minute drive from my home. We do everything together, and we're each other's permanent babysitter. We aren't in the same ward, though, so at least we live far enough away that we're not in each other's space 24/7. Still, I know she'll be a little disappointed, as I am. It's kinda bitter sweet. But at least I'm not moving to another city or anything. Just the opposite side of town.

I don't really want to tell ANYONE from my ward about it too. It's taken me so long to really feel like I have friends in this ward, and now I have to leave it. The ward I'm in is AWESOME.. and that doesn't happen just anywhere, unfortunately. It's full of young families, and I really need that to feel like I have people who I can talk to. And there's quite a few people who have a lot in common with me, whether it's children's ages, or half-member families, or whatever. Oh well, at least my closest cousin and her husband will be in my new ward. That's cool.

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Another Day

Another day, I'll try again, but can You tell me, will this hurting ever end? I've been taught, and I believe. But it's been a while since I've been on my knees. And I need Thee by my side. I don't have the strength to make it on my own. And, Lord, do You hear my prayers? How soon will You answer me?


Those are the words from an LDS song that I heard once, from a friend's CD that I don't know what it was called. But the song came to me in an hour of need 3 years ago, and it stuck. It's a beautiful melody, but the words are perfect.

I still feel like they are applying to my life today. In different ways entirely than they did when I first learned them, but just as succinctly.

It's so comforting to know others are as confused as I. That out there, I'm not crazy. I wish I just didn't FEEL like I am. I can't help but think that a good cry would make this ache go away, but I always thought that was ridiculous-- crying just for the sake of crying. I don't know what I'd cry ABOUT. The things that are cry-worthy, I've cried about them before, why keep crying?! That's just living MORE in the past than I currently do! And it's like laying down and doing nothing. That's SO not me. There were quite a few boyfriends who I got over faster than I am this feeling!

Maybe I'm having sympathy pains. There's a few people I love who are hurting, and so maybe I just ache for them, which is why I don't know why I'm sad.

Maybe it's depression. that seems to have run in my family genes, apparently. But that's stupid too, because EVERYONE would be on drugs if they diagnosed and cured what I'm feeling with pills. The entire female population. It FEELS like PMS, that sad, miserable, can't really control your feelings kind of feeling, but it's NOT PMS, which makes the whole thing that much more annoying and depressing. Give it a name, but for gosh darn it, call it SOMETHING!!

I did, however, find a break from that today and I got enough energy and motivation to fold the laundry that I've been conveniently avoiding since Monday. Which makes me glad that I accomplished SOMETHING, but then the thought that I only have to do laundry again next Monday (two days from today) creeps in and kinda flattens my elation.

What is with me lately? I feel so dumb! Total tangent, but I can't seem to think of ANY of the words I want to say! It's like my English capabilities are GONE! I love English, it's my favourite subject in school (or, was, when i was TAKING classes). I have such a large vocabulary, but being out of school now for over a year seems to be rotting my brain away. It's like my fat head is EATING all the 'fat' words I used to master.

Anyways, back to my pity party.

Actually, I'm kinda done with that whole woe-is-me thing. Even *I* don't want to read about it.

The missionaries are coming for dinner tomorrow. One of them goes home this week. We're not doing anything really great, just cooking a roast and yorkshires and some veggies, pretty generic. Oh well. It's too bad he's leaving, actually, because this set of Elders are the first to really get to know Chris. He likes being around them, joking with them. And I really believe that one day there will be that "one", the one who will just KNOW what Chris needs to hear and present it to him in such a way that Chris won't even see it. I know it sounds like I'm trying to change Chris. And I guess I am. But change for the better isn't wrong, is it? And I want him to change for himself, because he KNOWS the truth as I do, not because he knows I know the truth. It's a slight difference, but it's huge to me. I just want to share so many things with him that I can't share, and so, as he mentioned today, we'll NEVER have that as long as we stay the people we are today. We'll never totally be entwined to each other, there will always be a little strand of each other that the other can't "touch".

yeah, so there's a happy thought. So much for NOT doing the whole woe-is-me thing again. I asked him today if he is disappointed in me. (It seems to be a word I'm getting FAR too annoyed with *(those of you who know what I'm talking about, understand)* ) Like, is he disappointed that I'm not who he thought I was marrying. That I haven't turned out to be who he had wanted me to be. You know? He said no, as a good hubby should. But it's hard for me to think that he SHOULDN'T be disappointed. I mean, I even asked him, what did I really do this last year that's notable?

He said raised two kids, was pregnant, had a baby. Wow. Whop-dee-doo. Three whole things that are all encompassing of the other. I didn't get any smarter, I didn't get any prettier, I didn't get any nicer. I got fatter, and dumber, and lazier and boring-er (that's not a word, see-- I'm dumber! :P ) And I grew spiritually.

Which is the one saving grace of this last year. However, it STILL goes back to having a baby, because if Bear hadn't have gotten sick, then he wouldn't have had the blessing, then I wouldn't have had the confirmation that I had, then I wouldn't have the testimony that I have today. Hopefully that feeling won't EVER leave me, and my testimony won't dwindle ever again. I hate being unsure about important things, so I'm glad that I'm not unsure about that today.

Okay, this post is long enough. I'm not going for a Pulitzer here!

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Dreams and Reality

Once again it's just me and the computer, the monitor wailing it's monotonous pitch, sounding loud enough to wake the world that sleeps around me.

I can't sleep lately. I need the sleep, I need to get better. I need the peace found in slumber. And I don't know where to find it or how. I think too much. I think about everything that's nothing, and make myself sick with stress. I dream in dreams that aren't soothing. Not nightmares, per say, just dreams of busy-ness, dreams of reality. What kind of dream is reality anyways? And yet, when I finally manage to con my body into giving up this insomnia, it lashes back with restlessness. And the morning comes earlier and earlier every day. the day, longer and longer. The needs of my children larger and larger. And my house? Disgustingly dirtier and dirtier.

I hate it. But this rut I have managed to dig with my wont has left me with my fingernails bleeding. How can I get out when I don't really know what I'm getting out OF?

Maybe my nose has gotten me here. Sticking it into places it never belonged in the first place. Maybe my heart, finding a resting place on my sleeve, is to blame. Maybe it's as simple as my fat, repulsive body.

I have never claimed to have been born in a manger, but some people's crosses aren't made of wood. They're laundry and family and pride-- a deadly combination that is stronger than any MDF.

And some of the voices in my head are right, though most are just vacantly ranting of yesteryear.

My patriarchal blessing gives such great promises. How much of those promises have I lost through my wickedness? How many times does those future pages of my life get erased before they actually get to the "too late" time period? What can I still receive? Have I messed up chances for certain things because of my marriage? Because of my greed? Because of my impatience?

I'm so impatient. I want what that blessing says NOW. I want to be that person that few others can see in me. Hey, I can't really see HOW they see that, since even I can't see it from the inside out! Who are they seeing? the dream or the reality?

It's getting close to the time where there won't be next week to fix things. Where the counsel will have been given one too many times, and for lack of following it, I'm left behind with half a year's food storage. With a mortgage. Without a temple recommend. Without enough faith.

Faith. Actually, I may be alright on that street corner. The others? I know humility goes a long way-- but I'm a long way from humility!

Maybe the reason I can't sleep is because I'm afraid to sleep. Maybe I'm worried that tomorrow will be that day. That Chris will just up and stop loving me. That I'll just up and stop loving him! That I'll be so self-absorbed that I'll miss my children's love. Maybe I'm worried that I WON'T dream in reality, and then I'm not even sure of sleeping anymore. At least this way, I know what to expect.

Do I sound like my mother? Controlling and needing to know and be part of everything, even dreaming?!!? I need to be needed. I need to help people. Aye, there's the rub-- my idea of helping them, is it really assisting them or hindering them? Is it MY way, or the right way?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Simple Complexities

Well, I feel like I have so much to say, and yet, I also feel like I don't want to really say any of it.

I'm currently reading The Work and The Glory series, and it's absolutely some of the best books written! I was kinda deprived in seminary-- I was the year that they changed the Book of Mormon and Doctrine And Covenants to match Sunday school, so I ended up getting two years of BoM and missing DnC completely. It really made me a little disappointed because everyone had said how much fun they thought DnC was. I also missed out on learning church history, and so FINALLY (how many years later?!) I read the entire DnC last year. I got nothing out of it. It seemed alright, and I really tried to find things in it that I needed to read-- and I got a few messages out of it, but the storyline of where it all came from made no sense to me. So, now that I'm reading these books, even though they're fictional, I really understand the circumstances around events that I've always known ABOUT, but never really understood. It's a great series... read it.

Last Saturday sucked. really sucked. I answered the door, and standing there were obvious missionaries from another church. Oh great, I thought. But it was FREEZING cold, so instead of talking to them with the door open, I told them to come in and warm up a bit. I'm not the kind who shoves them away-- I've never been able to be that rude. And they're usually nice, pleasant people only trying to do what they think is right. They're really no different in purpose than OUR missionaries, and heck, it was freezing out! So, these ones were Jehovah's Witnesses. I was really relieved at that, actually, because I had Baptist ones come to my house and left me with a spirit that I NEVER want in my house again! I could go on about baptists-- at least, the one's I've met... but that'll have to be another day.

Anyways, so they come in and told me that my husband, Chris, told them to come back another day, so here they are. That kinda bugged me-- he KNOWS I don't like having these people question me about my beliefs, and that I'm not really the kind to bible-bash with them. In fact, even if I was, I don't have the knowledge or testimony to. These people know their scriptures inside-out and backwards! When they knew that I was Mormon, they proceeded to show me a scripture that really bothered me. It still does, and we're having the missionaries over for dinner next Sunday, so I'll bring it up with them as well as here. The scripture was found in Galatians 1, verse 8-9. It reads, But though we, OR AN ANGEL FROM HEAVEN, preach any other gospel to you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed. That kinda bugged me. Actually, it bugged me a lot. It's weird though, because it didn't really shake my testimony, I just didn't know what to say in response to that. So, if I look at that scripture, then all of Angel Moroni coming to Joseph is accursed. And then the BoM is accursed. And everything I believe is accursed. It makes no sense to me.
Anyways, the thoughts that run through my head with that kinda range from doubt to denial to disbelief to disregard... everything!

And then I had to go to work, and we were out really late, and no one was even there, so it was a total waste of my time. I hate that.

I came home and talked to my sibling on the phone, having a rather disturbing phone call. I'm not getting into it, because I'm still digesting most of it and I'm afraid that my emotions will take over my rational thinking and I'll say something that will be oh-too-oft misunderstood. But, for explanation, my reaction isn't stemmed from what she's done or doing or whatever. It stems from being lied to. Mostly.

I hate being lied to. I hate indirect lying, but more importantly, I hate lying straight to my face. And that happened twice. By two different people. It's one thing to be lied to by someone stupid, it's totally another to be lied to from people you love and who love you back. I am hurt by that most of all. And then, on top of that all, I put a relationship with my own mother out on a broken tree limb just to defend them, but in truth, they had deceived me and made MY relationship with My mother suffer because of it. That totally pisses me off.

Anyways, not getting started or I'll be ranting about it for days. Maybe some day I'll be able to get over it, but I'm not today, and frankly, I'm not ready to.