Wishing for Daisy Halos - Another Day

Another day, I'll try again, but can You tell me, will this hurting ever end? I've been taught, and I believe. But it's been a while since I've been on my knees. And I need Thee by my side. I don't have the strength to make it on my own. And, Lord, do You hear my prayers? How soon will You answer me?


Those are the words from an LDS song that I heard once, from a friend's CD that I don't know what it was called. But the song came to me in an hour of need 3 years ago, and it stuck. It's a beautiful melody, but the words are perfect.

I still feel like they are applying to my life today. In different ways entirely than they did when I first learned them, but just as succinctly.

It's so comforting to know others are as confused as I. That out there, I'm not crazy. I wish I just didn't FEEL like I am. I can't help but think that a good cry would make this ache go away, but I always thought that was ridiculous-- crying just for the sake of crying. I don't know what I'd cry ABOUT. The things that are cry-worthy, I've cried about them before, why keep crying?! That's just living MORE in the past than I currently do! And it's like laying down and doing nothing. That's SO not me. There were quite a few boyfriends who I got over faster than I am this feeling!

Maybe I'm having sympathy pains. There's a few people I love who are hurting, and so maybe I just ache for them, which is why I don't know why I'm sad.

Maybe it's depression. that seems to have run in my family genes, apparently. But that's stupid too, because EVERYONE would be on drugs if they diagnosed and cured what I'm feeling with pills. The entire female population. It FEELS like PMS, that sad, miserable, can't really control your feelings kind of feeling, but it's NOT PMS, which makes the whole thing that much more annoying and depressing. Give it a name, but for gosh darn it, call it SOMETHING!!

I did, however, find a break from that today and I got enough energy and motivation to fold the laundry that I've been conveniently avoiding since Monday. Which makes me glad that I accomplished SOMETHING, but then the thought that I only have to do laundry again next Monday (two days from today) creeps in and kinda flattens my elation.

What is with me lately? I feel so dumb! Total tangent, but I can't seem to think of ANY of the words I want to say! It's like my English capabilities are GONE! I love English, it's my favourite subject in school (or, was, when i was TAKING classes). I have such a large vocabulary, but being out of school now for over a year seems to be rotting my brain away. It's like my fat head is EATING all the 'fat' words I used to master.

Anyways, back to my pity party.

Actually, I'm kinda done with that whole woe-is-me thing. Even *I* don't want to read about it.

The missionaries are coming for dinner tomorrow. One of them goes home this week. We're not doing anything really great, just cooking a roast and yorkshires and some veggies, pretty generic. Oh well. It's too bad he's leaving, actually, because this set of Elders are the first to really get to know Chris. He likes being around them, joking with them. And I really believe that one day there will be that "one", the one who will just KNOW what Chris needs to hear and present it to him in such a way that Chris won't even see it. I know it sounds like I'm trying to change Chris. And I guess I am. But change for the better isn't wrong, is it? And I want him to change for himself, because he KNOWS the truth as I do, not because he knows I know the truth. It's a slight difference, but it's huge to me. I just want to share so many things with him that I can't share, and so, as he mentioned today, we'll NEVER have that as long as we stay the people we are today. We'll never totally be entwined to each other, there will always be a little strand of each other that the other can't "touch".

yeah, so there's a happy thought. So much for NOT doing the whole woe-is-me thing again. I asked him today if he is disappointed in me. (It seems to be a word I'm getting FAR too annoyed with *(those of you who know what I'm talking about, understand)* ) Like, is he disappointed that I'm not who he thought I was marrying. That I haven't turned out to be who he had wanted me to be. You know? He said no, as a good hubby should. But it's hard for me to think that he SHOULDN'T be disappointed. I mean, I even asked him, what did I really do this last year that's notable?

He said raised two kids, was pregnant, had a baby. Wow. Whop-dee-doo. Three whole things that are all encompassing of the other. I didn't get any smarter, I didn't get any prettier, I didn't get any nicer. I got fatter, and dumber, and lazier and boring-er (that's not a word, see-- I'm dumber! :P ) And I grew spiritually.

Which is the one saving grace of this last year. However, it STILL goes back to having a baby, because if Bear hadn't have gotten sick, then he wouldn't have had the blessing, then I wouldn't have had the confirmation that I had, then I wouldn't have the testimony that I have today. Hopefully that feeling won't EVER leave me, and my testimony won't dwindle ever again. I hate being unsure about important things, so I'm glad that I'm not unsure about that today.

Okay, this post is long enough. I'm not going for a Pulitzer here!

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Dreams and Reality

Once again it's just me and the computer, the monitor wailing it's monotonous pitch, sounding loud enough to wake the world that sleeps around me.

I can't sleep lately. I need the sleep, I need to get better. I need the peace found in slumber. And I don't know where to find it or how. I think too much. I think about everything that's nothing, and make myself sick with stress. I dream in dreams that aren't soothing. Not nightmares, per say, just dreams of busy-ness, dreams of reality. What kind of dream is reality anyways? And yet, when I finally manage to con my body into giving up this insomnia, it lashes back with restlessness. And the morning comes earlier and earlier every day. the day, longer and longer. The needs of my children larger and larger. And my house? Disgustingly dirtier and dirtier.

I hate it. But this rut I have managed to dig with my wont has left me with my fingernails bleeding. How can I get out when I don't really know what I'm getting out OF?

Maybe my nose has gotten me here. Sticking it into places it never belonged in the first place. Maybe my heart, finding a resting place on my sleeve, is to blame. Maybe it's as simple as my fat, repulsive body.

I have never claimed to have been born in a manger, but some people's crosses aren't made of wood. They're laundry and family and pride-- a deadly combination that is stronger than any MDF.

And some of the voices in my head are right, though most are just vacantly ranting of yesteryear.

My patriarchal blessing gives such great promises. How much of those promises have I lost through my wickedness? How many times does those future pages of my life get erased before they actually get to the "too late" time period? What can I still receive? Have I messed up chances for certain things because of my marriage? Because of my greed? Because of my impatience?

I'm so impatient. I want what that blessing says NOW. I want to be that person that few others can see in me. Hey, I can't really see HOW they see that, since even I can't see it from the inside out! Who are they seeing? the dream or the reality?

It's getting close to the time where there won't be next week to fix things. Where the counsel will have been given one too many times, and for lack of following it, I'm left behind with half a year's food storage. With a mortgage. Without a temple recommend. Without enough faith.

Faith. Actually, I may be alright on that street corner. The others? I know humility goes a long way-- but I'm a long way from humility!

Maybe the reason I can't sleep is because I'm afraid to sleep. Maybe I'm worried that tomorrow will be that day. That Chris will just up and stop loving me. That I'll just up and stop loving him! That I'll be so self-absorbed that I'll miss my children's love. Maybe I'm worried that I WON'T dream in reality, and then I'm not even sure of sleeping anymore. At least this way, I know what to expect.

Do I sound like my mother? Controlling and needing to know and be part of everything, even dreaming?!!? I need to be needed. I need to help people. Aye, there's the rub-- my idea of helping them, is it really assisting them or hindering them? Is it MY way, or the right way?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Simple Complexities

Well, I feel like I have so much to say, and yet, I also feel like I don't want to really say any of it.

I'm currently reading The Work and The Glory series, and it's absolutely some of the best books written! I was kinda deprived in seminary-- I was the year that they changed the Book of Mormon and Doctrine And Covenants to match Sunday school, so I ended up getting two years of BoM and missing DnC completely. It really made me a little disappointed because everyone had said how much fun they thought DnC was. I also missed out on learning church history, and so FINALLY (how many years later?!) I read the entire DnC last year. I got nothing out of it. It seemed alright, and I really tried to find things in it that I needed to read-- and I got a few messages out of it, but the storyline of where it all came from made no sense to me. So, now that I'm reading these books, even though they're fictional, I really understand the circumstances around events that I've always known ABOUT, but never really understood. It's a great series... read it.

Last Saturday sucked. really sucked. I answered the door, and standing there were obvious missionaries from another church. Oh great, I thought. But it was FREEZING cold, so instead of talking to them with the door open, I told them to come in and warm up a bit. I'm not the kind who shoves them away-- I've never been able to be that rude. And they're usually nice, pleasant people only trying to do what they think is right. They're really no different in purpose than OUR missionaries, and heck, it was freezing out! So, these ones were Jehovah's Witnesses. I was really relieved at that, actually, because I had Baptist ones come to my house and left me with a spirit that I NEVER want in my house again! I could go on about baptists-- at least, the one's I've met... but that'll have to be another day.

Anyways, so they come in and told me that my husband, Chris, told them to come back another day, so here they are. That kinda bugged me-- he KNOWS I don't like having these people question me about my beliefs, and that I'm not really the kind to bible-bash with them. In fact, even if I was, I don't have the knowledge or testimony to. These people know their scriptures inside-out and backwards! When they knew that I was Mormon, they proceeded to show me a scripture that really bothered me. It still does, and we're having the missionaries over for dinner next Sunday, so I'll bring it up with them as well as here. The scripture was found in Galatians 1, verse 8-9. It reads, But though we, OR AN ANGEL FROM HEAVEN, preach any other gospel to you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed. That kinda bugged me. Actually, it bugged me a lot. It's weird though, because it didn't really shake my testimony, I just didn't know what to say in response to that. So, if I look at that scripture, then all of Angel Moroni coming to Joseph is accursed. And then the BoM is accursed. And everything I believe is accursed. It makes no sense to me.
Anyways, the thoughts that run through my head with that kinda range from doubt to denial to disbelief to disregard... everything!

And then I had to go to work, and we were out really late, and no one was even there, so it was a total waste of my time. I hate that.

I came home and talked to my sibling on the phone, having a rather disturbing phone call. I'm not getting into it, because I'm still digesting most of it and I'm afraid that my emotions will take over my rational thinking and I'll say something that will be oh-too-oft misunderstood. But, for explanation, my reaction isn't stemmed from what she's done or doing or whatever. It stems from being lied to. Mostly.

I hate being lied to. I hate indirect lying, but more importantly, I hate lying straight to my face. And that happened twice. By two different people. It's one thing to be lied to by someone stupid, it's totally another to be lied to from people you love and who love you back. I am hurt by that most of all. And then, on top of that all, I put a relationship with my own mother out on a broken tree limb just to defend them, but in truth, they had deceived me and made MY relationship with My mother suffer because of it. That totally pisses me off.

Anyways, not getting started or I'll be ranting about it for days. Maybe some day I'll be able to get over it, but I'm not today, and frankly, I'm not ready to.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Secret: Strong Enough for a Man, Made for a Woman. What Kind of Slogan is THAT!?

So, is there ever a really good time to keep a secret from EVERYONE you know? Like, if you have a secret that's not really GOOD information, do you just keep it a secret? What about if it IS good information? What if it's stupid? What if it's gonna hurt someone's feelings, but you have to tell them anyways, like they have toilet paper stuck to their shoes? When do you keep secrets from family, from husbands? What if they're gonna find out anyways, but you are just not telling them to avoid the situation for as long as possible? What if the secret you have is something that everyone's going to throw back in your face, so why tell them now? Everyone's gonna say, "see, I told you so"...do you still tell them? And if you don't want their opinions about your secret, then why tell them anyways? Right?

Wishing for Daisy Halos - As Long As She Doesn't Snore

So, the north pole sucks!!! It's so cold here. My car wouldn't start and so we had to push it out of the stall so that Chris could park his car there so he could plug his in and get to work tomorrow. Pushing that beast was hideously horrible! I fell too many times, and in the 15 minutes it took us, I seriously came close to frostbite on my fingers and ears and toes. And I was wearing mitts!!!!


Okay, I'm reading The Work and the Glory, and it's at the part about plural marriages. I am a little confused on one part, though. Why do only the men get to marry twice or more? Why can't the woman have more than one? Because, the reason Brigham Young explained in history was that if a man married someone and she died, and then he remarried... how could he chose one wife over the other to be with for eternity? But, what about females in that same situation? Why isn't it the same-- I mean, we would love both husbands-- why make US chose? Why can we only get sealed once but men can be sealed indefinite amount of times?

Don't get me wrong. I would not stop Chris from marrying a second wife, *if he were a member and the church practised that* and I would be faithful in that. I would love her too, I'm sure, and I have no doubt that we would be best friends. I could imagine feeling that in a way, I was married to her too, as is Chris, just without the man-wife physical relationship, obviously. So, although I don't have a problem with the CONCEPT of plural marriage, I have a problem with a bit of the application part.

I know we aren't expected to do it. But one day we will.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Chinese Torture for the Spiritually Insane

It's quarter past the first hour, and taking a late nap today is showing it's affects oh too clearly.

I don't really know what to say today, but feel inclined to get something out of me. Something stuck? Something dripping relentlessly on my forehead? Something vain and immature and far too personal for children's eyes?

I went to a party last night. A sex toy party. Put on by a member. Actually, more than half of the 30 or more people crammed into that house were LDS. And although we were ALL married, I wondered a little if it was wrong. It didn't feel wrong, but then again, I'm not the best judge of spiritual places and spiritual dangers-- take a look at too much of my life. I only felt a little weird after I went home and having bought a few things.

First of all, to quell any intrigue, I WILL NOT disclose *what* I bought. But there were many things, ranging from lotions and edible tattoos to "tools" and how-to picture books. After buying a few things, as EVERYONE else did (I know, if everyone jumped off a bridge....) I began to wonder what Chris would think. He knew where I was going, and what it was about, and he was fine with it. But when you have NOTHING in that secret drawer beside your bed because, well, frankly, you were already knocked-up at your wedding and didn't have a wedding shower where one usually acquires such gadgets and gizmos, after 3 years of marriage, bringing in a new...uh...experience to the bedroom can prove a tad daunting!

When we try them, AND I WILL NOT TELL YOU WHEN THAT IS :), it will be educational to us, I'm sure. But, I feel almost like what I've heard a virgin feels like on a wedding night-- a little excited, a little scared and a whole lotta "what the heck do I do with this" kinda feeling.

Church this morning started off on an interesting note. Chris came running upstairs to ask me what happened to the water pressure. I guess sometime last night, in our FRIGID cold winter, water mains froze or burst or something and the whole north east section of Calgary was out of water. So we were only having sacrament. After the water came back on a while later, church was put back to normal. But there were more than a few skippers and "bed-heads" who didn't realize the water had resumed. And there were bagillions of sacrament songers.... the late people who walk in during the sacrament song because apparently the scripture of 'the song of a righteous is a PRAYER unto me', think it's appropriate to just WALK in and shuffle seats and unload cheerios for their 30 kids during A PRAYER!!!! PEOPLE, COMMON!!! Unless you're bleeding, a child is screaming or, like LL sometimes does, swears that they have to go potty ***NOW***, then hold your horses until after the song AND prayer.

And then we went out for dinner, a practice that bothers me but obviously not enough to do something about it.

I paid my tithing today, did my calling best I could, taught my daughter something new about Jesus, set up visiting teaching, but once church was over I went to bed for my nap, then went to dinner at a restaurant with the family, then went to work, then watched TV.

I hate being one foot in the gospel. But I KNOW my intentions are true and that I surely do believe in the church and it's truth. No question. So where's my conviction? Where's my prenuptial stance that I took so strongly back then-- vowing that I will be true to my church no matter what?! yeah. Right. I've really kept that promise now, haven't I?!

Pathetic.

I think it's just easiest to say that there's too much grey in my life. To many grey lines that I never quite learned how to clearly outline. They're all a big pencil smudge, without a start or an end... just a slightly darker spot in the middle. By the time I hit that spot though, I'm either too far into the second grey half that I didn't even know I hit it, or I'm wallowing in self-pity like I am now. Ridiculous.

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Styrofoam Doesn't Absorb Very Well

So, my daughter's gonna drive me to drink. She's into this "peeing" habit. She's trained, but lately she just pees on whatever she wants. Today alone, she's peed her pants, the bathroom floor (which could just mean that she couldn't get there fast enough, I'll give her that one), she peed ON my sister's lap!!! EWW. And just now, she peed on the computer room floor, on a pile of Styrofoam balls, just to see what would happen. I watched the whole thing.
What a pain in the butt. It's almost as bad as my dumb cat, who pees on the bathroom mats and the down comforters on our beds! ARGGG... I mean, what's with PEE and my house!!!

EWW.


More stupid dreams last night. Always with some of the same people... living in memories, but the incidences are all current. It's weird. Maybe I should just move back home. Maybe I shouldn't. Chris wouldn't leave anyways, and I know my parents and probably my siblings will all move out to Alberta eventually, so why would I go there when they'll only leave. And I'll have to leave everyone all over again?!

My brother got his papers in on Sunday. That's pretty exciting news. I really hope he goes somewhere with bad food, like Taiwan or something... LOL. He needs that. Actually, he doesn't. He's so skinny already because he never eats. He needs to go... to somewhere Italian or Spanish where they feed missionaries like CRAZY!!!