Wishing For Daisy Halos - Chinese Torture for the Spiritually Insane

It's quarter past the first hour, and taking a late nap today is showing it's affects oh too clearly.

I don't really know what to say today, but feel inclined to get something out of me. Something stuck? Something dripping relentlessly on my forehead? Something vain and immature and far too personal for children's eyes?

I went to a party last night. A sex toy party. Put on by a member. Actually, more than half of the 30 or more people crammed into that house were LDS. And although we were ALL married, I wondered a little if it was wrong. It didn't feel wrong, but then again, I'm not the best judge of spiritual places and spiritual dangers-- take a look at too much of my life. I only felt a little weird after I went home and having bought a few things.

First of all, to quell any intrigue, I WILL NOT disclose *what* I bought. But there were many things, ranging from lotions and edible tattoos to "tools" and how-to picture books. After buying a few things, as EVERYONE else did (I know, if everyone jumped off a bridge....) I began to wonder what Chris would think. He knew where I was going, and what it was about, and he was fine with it. But when you have NOTHING in that secret drawer beside your bed because, well, frankly, you were already knocked-up at your wedding and didn't have a wedding shower where one usually acquires such gadgets and gizmos, after 3 years of marriage, bringing in a new...uh...experience to the bedroom can prove a tad daunting!

When we try them, AND I WILL NOT TELL YOU WHEN THAT IS :), it will be educational to us, I'm sure. But, I feel almost like what I've heard a virgin feels like on a wedding night-- a little excited, a little scared and a whole lotta "what the heck do I do with this" kinda feeling.

Church this morning started off on an interesting note. Chris came running upstairs to ask me what happened to the water pressure. I guess sometime last night, in our FRIGID cold winter, water mains froze or burst or something and the whole north east section of Calgary was out of water. So we were only having sacrament. After the water came back on a while later, church was put back to normal. But there were more than a few skippers and "bed-heads" who didn't realize the water had resumed. And there were bagillions of sacrament songers.... the late people who walk in during the sacrament song because apparently the scripture of 'the song of a righteous is a PRAYER unto me', think it's appropriate to just WALK in and shuffle seats and unload cheerios for their 30 kids during A PRAYER!!!! PEOPLE, COMMON!!! Unless you're bleeding, a child is screaming or, like LL sometimes does, swears that they have to go potty ***NOW***, then hold your horses until after the song AND prayer.

And then we went out for dinner, a practice that bothers me but obviously not enough to do something about it.

I paid my tithing today, did my calling best I could, taught my daughter something new about Jesus, set up visiting teaching, but once church was over I went to bed for my nap, then went to dinner at a restaurant with the family, then went to work, then watched TV.

I hate being one foot in the gospel. But I KNOW my intentions are true and that I surely do believe in the church and it's truth. No question. So where's my conviction? Where's my prenuptial stance that I took so strongly back then-- vowing that I will be true to my church no matter what?! yeah. Right. I've really kept that promise now, haven't I?!

Pathetic.

I think it's just easiest to say that there's too much grey in my life. To many grey lines that I never quite learned how to clearly outline. They're all a big pencil smudge, without a start or an end... just a slightly darker spot in the middle. By the time I hit that spot though, I'm either too far into the second grey half that I didn't even know I hit it, or I'm wallowing in self-pity like I am now. Ridiculous.