You bet, it's that day again!
Time for Six Word Saturday Meme.
Only speak in six word sentences.
And get a good message across.
What to say about this week?
Somehow I can sum it up.
Although, six words will not suffice.
Lack of sleep and so tired,
I made a much needed choice.
Afraid to admit what I need
or hurt him in the process.
I start again, a single mom
And hope to find peace again.
A vegan diet well under way
this was a week of changes!
Not many people knew it, but when I posted yesterday's post, it was already determined what I was going to do.
A few days ago, I spoke with Chris on the phone (yah, lame, I agree.. but he was out of town) about everything, and, amidst many tears, told him I needed him to go.
And, I'm happy. I'm not sad, actually. And not in a callous manner-- it's just, Chris has made this decision much easier on me than I anticipated. He knows I need this. He said he could kinda see it coming- in that, he didn't know WHAT I needed, but he knew I needed to change something.
He's totally understanding. Doesn't mean he'll still be around in a month or two or seven... who knows how long it'll take, or if he'll wait for that. If he's not here when I'm done 'finding myself', that's fine too-- we need to find that out. And maybe I won't be 'here' then either. But he understands where I'm at, what I feel, and he wants me to be happy. I was relieved to see his reaction- genuine and loving, honest, and supportive. It's moments like that that make me wonder what the freak is wrong with me to not be totally happy with him. But the fear just doesn't work. Along with other things, that's one of them. But not all. There's a lot of things in there.
He will move out his stuff within the month- there's no 'rush', and he's also out of town for about 3 weeks for business. We'll go back to every other weekends. We'll go back to 'dating'.
We'll. Go. Back.
I feel counter-productive in going, what is perceived as, back. But I need to be there for now. I need to NOT be in a relationship. I need to just be alone. Just me.
On other unrelated notes, the vegan lifestyle has been challenging. In a good way-- I'm really really really conscious of what I put in my body. It takes a lot of planning to eat more healthy, and to make sure that I'm keeping my nutrient levels at their optimal heights. Last night, as we were preparing dinner, I was mentioning to LL and Chris about how we need to view food differently. Now, food is a fuel. (I know, I know, we've all heard that a million times, but this time I'm LIVING it) Food is occasionally used for celebration or comfort, but in general, we're sticking to 'nourishment' in this household.
Maybe I should change my "motto" for the year. I mean, I WON'T, but maybe I should add a word.
Nourish.
| 1. | to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth. |
| 2. | to cherish, foster, keep alive, etc.: "He had long nourished the dream of living abroad." |
| 3. | to strengthen, build up, or promote: to nourish discontent among the workers; to nourish the arts in one's community. |
Friend says:
hey are you ok?
(Friend here is someone who knows me strictly through facebook. We met once, when she came to town. She and I have been together through everything in the past year regarding the affair and such, and her life too: including the engagement of her to her sweetheart, and the joy in that, only to have him suffer a major heart attack while she was out getting the invitations chosen. He died October 19th. )
Debbi says:
yah
I hate 'heart to hearts' lately.
I'm such a basketcase.
headcase.
blahhh
Friend says:
are you 2 doing better?
still dating?
Debbi says:
no.
yes
he lives here,
but I think I'm close to telling him that he shouldn't
I don't feel peace lately, and I really want to. I don't know if I can find that with him here.
Friend says:
oh again?
and you felt peace when he was gone?
Debbi says:
He's ready to stop 'dating'... but my trust issues aren't ready for that.
yes. I did.
I felt peace for a while at the beginning of dating again, too. I felt peace until about the time I stopped the divorce papers because everyone else told me I should.
Friend says:
hmmm...ya I noticed when you were not with him...however much you can notice on facebook, it did seem you were happy
Debbi says:
but then... something... he's changed in good ways and bad, and I don't know what I can handle or can't. He's not done anything 'wrong'... and still, I can't let go and just love.
When we're playing and having fun, it's usually good.
but when we're just 'being', I feel scared, untrusted, not loved in an unconditional way
Friend says:
i know what you mean...dating is fun...but going back to the reality of being together makes it seem more real that your accepting what he did to you
at least with dating it was just that and then your life
Debbi says:
possibly, yes.
and I'm not sure I'm willing to 'give up' my victim status.
as dumb as that is to say
Friend says:
I totally understand
not at all
Debbi says:
I hate still hurting, Friend.
Friend says:
you have one life...well maybe more...but one life in this lifetime...you have to be happy
Debbi says:
What if I spend the rest of it unhappy that I left Chris- the person I thought I wanted for the rest of my life???
Friend says:
what if you spend it unhappy with Chris?
thats a hard question
Debbi says:
that's just the thing. How do I find out?!
Friend says:
both of them are
Debbi says:
yep
Friend says:
sounds like you do need more time
alone
Debbi says:
I know. but he's not 'there'... and it'll hurt him.
and I think I'd die if I found out I wanted him back and he's moved on.
Friend says:
cause if you hurt already now and it's still not totally official, it just kinda says your not ready and you may never be
Debbi says:
I'd never forgive myself for something I didn't need to do.
Friend says:
yes you would
Debbi says:
my three kids in the mix.
never loving anyone this much
Friend says:
because if it's so easy for him to move on then you know it just wasn't meant to be and your better off with someone who would wait for you
not a lifetime...but as much time as you may need
Debbi says:
I know. but still, that's scary.
Friend says:
for sure it is
i feel the same way...what if I never love anyone as much as I loved (my man) and right now I can't even imagine I could possibly
Debbi says:
yah.
Friend says:
but thats ok...cause thats just right now
Debbi says:
but you've only had a few months
Friend says:
it's not tomorrow
and I don't know what will come tomorrow...nobody does
Debbi says:
I feel like this has drug on too long
that's true
Friend says:
but as long as I tell myself to just be happy right now then I get through today
Debbi says:
are you avoiding 'feeling' though?
Friend says:
i may be
not on purpose though
Debbi says:
how is that not gonna bite you on the butt later on?
Friend says:
i don't think I do it intentionally
Debbi says:
oh
Friend says:
i have no idea
Debbi says:
hahaha, look at us.
Friend says:
I know I am in a support group
so I am doing what I should
Debbi says:
that's good, then
Friend says:
and I can't do more
if I want to cry I do
Debbi says:
I have a lot of support too.
good.
Friend says:
to me just because you ask yourself the question of weather you want it or not...says your not ready for it
Debbi says:
I dont' like that answer
Friend says:
hahaha
Debbi says:
I don't like EITHER answer
Friend says:
i know
when you were alone were you asking yourself if you wanted him back or did it just happen
Debbi says:
just happen
Friend says:
so you never asked yourself do i want him to come back???
things just moved in that direction
?
Debbi says:
no. at first, we talked about it just being what it was.
yes, they did.
we started enjoying the time more and more
and then, he moved a few things in.
then a few more (he needed them)..etc.
Friend says:
ya your not ready...you didn't even have to ask yourself questions when you were alone, but now half together half not your asking weather he should stay
Debbi says:
And then... he was 'ready' to be here, and I was still thinking we were 'dating'.
He's further ahead than me. but why am I not there now?
Friend says:
hmmmm....now Debbi..thats a silly question
Debbi says:
Isn't this what I wanted?!
Friend says:
why would you be...of course it's easy for him....he hurt you
Debbi says:
I hurt him too.
Friend says:
whatever
then he should have talked to you
and not slept with someone else to show you that you hurt him
Debbi says:
he did, just not in the words I would understand, I guess.
no, I agree with the last part
so why do I want to possibly date someone else? Probably for the same message to get across.
Friend says:
i don't know
Debbi says:
ha, thanks
Friend says:
sorry
Dear Safeway,
I think it's pathetic nice that you carry an entire 1/4 aisle of 'natural' health foods. I think it's amazing that you don't have any employees that know where anything is, or even what it may be that I'm talking about. I was truly impressed by Jaime Sam Pat, in the pasta/rice aisle, who was growing a full beard and thought that she could hide the inch of hair on her face by bleaching it. I liked how awkward I felt trying not to stare. I liked it when my three-year old daughter asked why that stranger lady has a teddy-bear face right in front of her!
I think it's unfortunate that the only fresh leaf-vegetable you carry is red or green lettuce. But above all, I'm truly thankful that the pears that I bought turned rotten overnight. That's awesome.
I also think it's awesome that you do your ten-times the airmiles on the first Tuesday of the month, but I spent gobs of cash at your store on the Monday before that. I think that's racist weekist. I don't shop on Tuesdays, it's against my religion. Perhaps you should give everyone ONE day of the month of their choosing. What difference does it make to you guys anyways? And seriously, it's not like those extra 5 airmiles are gonna be tough for the Airmiles Company to fork out. 200,578 more, and I get a free ipod.
Sincerely,
Vociferous Vegan
PS: please also inform your employees that Mormons DO shop on Tuesdays.
Dear Dayhome Dad,
I am so grateful to you. I love that you allow your wife to drop off and pick up your three children more often than you ever do. I am grateful that I don't have to see you more often than I do now. I love how afraid of you your children are because of your alcoholism and abuse, because I like seeing them RELAX when they're here. I am indeed grateful that, every single time it's your turn to pick up your children, you are over an hour later than you say you'll be. I'm impressed that it takes you twice as long to travel the SAME distance from work as it does for Chris. I love that last night, because of your tardiness, my daughter missed Brownies. I'm also grateful that, because of that, we also didn't have enough time to go buy Agave and Hemp seeds. (thanks, Djo, for the number!) I like to think you're hours late because of your E-harmony profile-- must be tough to be so adulterous sneaky dashingly handsome for all your lady friends.
Sincerely,
The lady who watches your kids better than you do
Dear Bed,
I miss you. I'm sorry we've been so distant in the past week. It's not you, it's me. I have not forgotten my love for you. I want you to know I need you in my life, and have always appreciated your support. You've been the perfect companion- always there, always ready for a tear or two, always ready to sleep with me! lol Yes, Bed, I knew from the moment I laid eyes (and body) on you, you were factory made for me! Although I have had some great reasons to keep me away, I will work on our relationship in the next few days, and hopefully, we can get some lost time back.
Sincerely
Your Somnolent Sweetheart
So, it has officially began.
I am a vegan! AHHHH.
well, I'm eating like one. I don't know if there's a way to be officially certified, inducted into the status of "Vegan", but hey, one day at a time. In my attempt to 'Make the Change', I figure that eating whole, healthy foods is a good change to make.
I went grocery shopping last night with the kids, as Chris is out of town for 2 weeks for business. I loved buying foods I've never bought before. I loved having a cart FULL (yes, brimming over the top) of veggies and fruits and nuts and seeds and legumes. Of course, the kids need 'regular' lunches-- so there were eggs and bread and milk and drink boxes in there too. But in general, I have NEVER been more 'proud' to walk through the checkout. Knowing, no matter WHAT someone saw come out of my cart, if they had seen the show, they'd be impressed. lol
Today I'm off to a health-food store, though. Safeway doesn't sell hemp seeds or agave nectar. Apparently, hemp is a good protein. ??? yah, little Mormon girl over here-- never bought any marajuana-related products. I'll repent after, no worries. lol
My energy is still good, but my belly kinda hurts. Me and the bathroom are getting much more reaquainted as my body cleanses the extra guck out. Lots of fiberous veggies and whole foods- it's awesome feeling my body actually USE the food. I had a headache the first day, but that might just be plain old sugar withdrawls.
I'll keep you updated on this. Tonight's dinner looks really yummy!
I should blog.
I should talk about the conversations I've had in the past few days.
The lack of sleep. The tears. the hilarious conversations. everything.
There's just so much to touch on- conversations with people I've never met who can understand so much about my marriage and me. Who help me to see things from a different, yet understandable view.
Conversations with people who make me laugh. or cry. or think.
And lots of conversations with Chris. so many things. so many.
I'm working on not many hours of sleep. Since Thursday, I haven't gone to bed earlier than 3 am!
I could talk about Friday when EF brought her kids over. And I was working on 2 hours of sleep. And I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready to see her drop off her kids again in my home. I really want to be, but that day, it wasn't happening. She leans in for a hug. And I think that I'm not a 'friend-hugger' on the best of days..and today... today I didn't want to hug her at all!~ I just couldn't wait for her to pick up her kids. Not because of the kids... not at all. But because then I knew she was gone for a month. Like today's holiday, I could hide away for 6 more weeks. I wouldn't have to see her again until March.
I could talk about my date with Chris on Saturday night. How much fun we have when it's just us, out, together. And how, even with that, I still don't feel good to commit 100% to staying with someone who's willing to work on so many things. Maybe I'm the one who can't change my spots?
