EW

Seriously, grossest thing ever.

Reasons why I hate them!!


yep. ew ew ew.

Lancing

Friday night, I was driving. If I leave my community a certain way, I see EF's house.. and, in case you're new here... that USED to be *MY* house. I see into her kitchen, I see into her bedroom. I know when she's home. When she's not. And that night, I saw the lights on.

I contemplated, even in my ratty sweats and crazy hair, driving over to her house and just ripping off the bandaid. Instead of waiting for her to contact me, taking the plunge myself. Getting her out of my life for the final time. Telling her what I needed to tell her, and walking away down her driveway, LIKELY crying, but better off in the long run. As I drove, I played the whole 'speech' out. I worded everything perfectly. I was kind. I was honest. I was exactly what I want her to remember me as.

I didn't think about it again, until I was driving BACK home. A car passed me on the highway close to home, and it was her car. Well, it LOOKED like her car. Same make and model and colour. I didn't see the driver. As it passed me, I checked the license plate to see if it WAS her.

The plate stated simply this: NME ***

hm. interesting.

I got home, and remembered this letter I drafted a long while ago, and thought I'd share it.

********************

Dear EF.

After sitting here for a few minutes, I've tried to decide how to start this letter, or, more importantly, how to end it. But, instead of trying to 'plan' my thoughts, you're just gonna have to bear with me and read them as they fly.

Do you have any idea how much of my life you infiltrated? How much of my heart you still hold? How much of it you broke? The thing is, I know you DON'T have any idea. You can't understand. Because, if you loved me like I loved you, we would be having quite a different conversation.

I am mad.
I want you and all remains of this pain to get out. Out of my life, out of my community, out of 'my house', out of my head and out of my heart. Thankfully, the wretched couch is out. And Chris is out. And there's no way to get all of those wishes to come true. But "out of my life"-- that one I can control.

So. Here it is. I love you. I hate you. And I want to eradicate you from as much of my life as possible. Don't call me. Don't email me. Don't come over. Don't wave to me at the school bus stop. Please-- to you, I do not exist. Apparently, that shouldn't be too hard for you- you incredulously managed to imagine my nonexistence when you were busy with my husband.

How obtuse of you to think that, because I'm a loving person, you can be my friend now. That using me as a doormat is acceptable to you. A place to drop your kids while you stab me in the back. Don't hug me. Don't even think about mentioning my name to your children... they are victims too, and they don't deserve it. You keep them at a dayhome that abuses them (which I witnessed and TOLD YOU ABOUT) and it disgusts me. I love your children sometimes more than I think you do. You used to tell Chris that you knew what love was... I am starting to highly doubt that.

"Steve" is so much more of a man than you've ever deserved. To cheat on him as many times as you have, in his bed, in his home, with his friends... you're a whore. But that's your marriage. And my heart hurts so badly for him. He is a good man. You do not love him. And from what you've said to me, you will likely hurt him yet again in the future. Bravo for taking such a sweet spirit and wrapping it around your betraying, fornicating fingers. You are NOT honest with him now. And if I was half what you are, I'd let him know. But I'm better than that. I can't be like you.

So. In spite of what seems easier, I love you. And I always will. I'd say I'm sorry for the things I've said above, but I guess we know that "sorrys" don't really cut it sometimes.

I believe that I forgive you. And I KNOW I need you out.

Six Word Saturday

Journey is complicated, directions are simple.



(Visit Cate at Show My Face for the original 6 Word Saturday, and play along)

Cute and Hugs go together like Candy and Fridays

Wow! Send out a little love, get a little love back! How fun.

I got awarded these TWO awards yesterday. Thanks to Sassy Britches, I add to my wall. :) The 'CUTE'S BLOGGER AWARD'. This one states that, in order to accept, I have to tell you ten cute things about me. Uh. Yah. Finding more than three could be tough! Then, I pass it to 10 other cute people. Are we talking cute-looking, or cute blogs? Because, and I'm not saying this about any of YOU guys (clearly), but when I've bloghopped, there are some BUTT UGLY rather non-pretty bloggers out there.This one, The Hugs Award. Who doesn't need a hug? So, I need to spread the lovin' to 10 other bloggers.

Because BOTH require 10 bloggers, I'm just giving love and hugs to 10 of my cute friends! ;) I have so many cute friends. Like attracts like, right? ;P

Now for the yucky part; what makes me cute? Well, this would be WAY easier if, like Sassy, I had someone who wrote this part for me.

1. When I got excited as a child, I used to 'sniff' really hard, put my hands to my face, and ...how do I explain it... drum my fingers quickly against my nose. My family made so much fun of me. I've stopped it, for the most part, but once in a while I find myself putting my hands to my face in the same way. Thankfully, I usually catch myself before I completely embarrass myself!
   
   
2. The way I get all freaked out and laugh and cry at the same time when I'm scared. Like, when crabs need killing for dinner. Or when we catch a mighty mouse in a garbage can, and Chris, thinking it's something I'd WANT to 'check out'... tilts the garbage can just enough that mousie jumps out and runs right over my bare feet!!! I will never forgive him for that one. It coulda DIED in the garbage can, but nooooo- that's inhumane. Whatever.
   
   
3. I fold underwear. Into little packages. And always will. Is it cute to you? maybe not-- but the pantie packages themselves are cute.... Want a tutorial??? Allow me to share-- I love it, and it helps to have more room in the drawers drawer. By the way- I hate the word drawers. It's a dumb English word that makes me feel like an illiterate when I say it.
   
   
4. If I want to learn how to play a song on the piano, or guitar, I have to hear it done first. I mean, I can read music, but something about hearing it helps me.
   
   
5. I harmonize to songs on the radio, on the TV, or even to twinkle twinkle. Harmonizing makes me happy. I'm so thankful for that talent that my mother instilled in me. Singing with my siblings so much while growing up helped.
   
   
6. If you're a male, and you want to make me complete, hug me and kiss my forehead. Slowly. Just a simple forehead kiss makes me feel like a child again, and I feel secure and truly loved. A kiss like that fixes my sadness, my anxiety, my sickness... anything. I think it's the cutest kiss one can give.
   
   
7. I pull faces a lot when I'm dancing. Which is funny, because I watched my little brother dancing recently at a drum concert he was part of-- and realized, I pull the same faces as him sometimes. And I realized how funny it looks. And how much more I love him for it! lol
   
   
8. SERIOUSLY? You want me to think of three other 'cute' things about me? uh... yah, I'm spent. I have no idea. Cute about me??? My ears. They're like monkey ears, they always have been, and I've been teased about them a lot. But they've got character. And thankfully, they're not a dominant gene, so my kids don't have to suffer the same childhood ridicule.
   
   
9. cute about me? mmmm.... I'm a travelling entertainment for kids. I swear, kids (and kids at heart) are truly entertained with the things I can do with my tongue. It passes time. ;) Kinda a travelling freak show, but yah, potato potahto. I'm calling it cute.
   
   
10. I search for compliments. Not that I think that's cute. So, YOU can tell me what number 10 is. Cuz I have no idea! lol And I need to get stuff done. Like change bums. Which is so NOT cute, it kinda took away from my 'thinking cute things' mojo.
    

And for the ten cute bloggers:
1) Carla= my walking bud, haven't seen her in forever, and she's super cute. She's had medical issues, so a hug is always a good thing to spread.
2) Katerina= Yep, Kat is cute. And has/had mono. So, giving hugs like this is better than IRL because I can keep my distance!
3) Sheridan = she's WAY Cute. check out her smile! I just hug her cuz I wanna squish her. We're pseudo related too! ;)
4)Starting Over @ 24= even with the blue line, he's way cute. And, apparently, he says he's short, so he's even cuter.
5)Pooba= really cute, even the name of her blog is cute-- I love he Flinstone reference. Remember the grand pooba? On top of a cute name, she acts goofy with her sisters the way I do. oh, and has a hot dad-- really, what else is there to love? lol
6)Andy= if you think syphilis and inmates are cute (and yes, sometimes both together), you'll totally agree that Andy's got cute down pat! Expletives are cute, right?
7) Katy = So fun and cute. I'm new to her following, but am loving it.
8) BobbiJo = her blog is cute, she's way cute, and seriously, her little girls are DANG cute! Nothing BobbiJo does is NOT cute. She radiates cute.
9) Cute Things = uh. It says it's cute RIGHT in its name! Seriously. falling asleep AND being cute-- doesn't get any cuter.
10)Ryan Ashley Scott = Now, given, the hug award was already given to you, but still. You deserve more hugs. Cuz you're awesome.

Two Really Good Days In A Row?!

Yay for yesterday.

The papers got sent to the judge for our divorce. Which is scary, because if they don't like something, they send it back and it could take a long time getting everything 'perfect' for them. Or, he could reject our claim and enforce us to be separated for a year instead of the infidelity clause. Instead, we had stated a time on one page and had a half-hour difference on the other, so we have to fix that. And other than that, the judge says we're good to go. The clerks say they're running at about 6 weeks right now, so it's possible that within that period our divorce could be done. That'll be good to have it behind us.

Although there's so much other drama associated with yesterday, (money, Chris, friends) I'm gonna keep the gratitude attitude foremost instead.

I nearly finished laundry again-- a few loads today and I'm good for a bit. I LOVE that feeling.

Crockpot dinners are SOOOo underrated. When the last dayhome child had been picked up, having dinner already waiting was AWESOME! And tasty.

I finally took advantage of the +6 degrees and got outside. Putting LL and Bear on their bikes for the first time this year (and yes, that included a few pumps to a few wheels), I strapped Mimi into the jogging stroller and we went for a short (maybe 3 mile) run. Unfortunately, the sun was down and so all that melted snow had turned into black ice along the pathways. Bear only fell once while LL fell three times. It nearly caught ME on my butt once or twice too!! There was NO escaping it!! ahhhhh! But, I'll take it. Having the fresh air go in one ear and out the other (ha, thanks Auntie!) was just what I needed.

Home, homework done, bedtimes. They were so exhausted from the bike ride and fresh air, they fell asleep in record time. YAY.

I grabbed my "New Moon" book, started a hot bath, and made this:

Baked brie. It's my TOTAL indulgence ever since I made it at Christmas for the first time. Dangerous stuff, I tell you. THANKFULLY, when I run, I eat less. So I didn't eat the whole thing! ;) THIS time. :P

Read the book, took some time to read scriptures and spend a bit of MUCH NEEDED time on my knees, and hopped into a comfy bed. BEFORE 11 pm-- which hasn't happened much lately.

And it's Thousand Word Thursday. Here's my Thousand Word Picture:

So, today, I am having an "off" day. No TV (dayhome kids aside), no COMPUTER. No Music. No 'random' friendly phone calls. Because I have stuff I want to get done, and meditation to do. I need to work on me. I am looking forward to my off day. See ya'll tomorrow.

Kreativity is Kool

I was given this award yesterday from Kelly. She's a doll, inside and out-- if you haven't yet, check her out! Thanks Beauty!

Here are the rules:
1~ I share with you seven things that I love
2~I nominate seven other bloggers for the honour

So:

1. Sisters. Honestly. They make the top of my list. The ones in my family who make me laugh, who support me...who 'get' me. And the Sisters in my church congregation. The ladies who also support me, who help me when my kids are acting out and I'm stuck at the front leading the music, and who bring meals and help in hard times. But, moreso for the sisters who are there even when it's a GOOD time. I love them. And my daughters-- watching them play as sisters and love each other.. my heart melts. Sisters can't be beat. (oh, and definitely my psuedo sisters, the Ya Yas! ;) )
2. Sunshine. I Am glad that although I live somewhere cold, the sun still shines. Vancouver is beautiful and warmer than Calgary, but the sun shines here more, and even when it's slushy out like today.
3. Berries. Seriously. love them. frozen. in yogurt. fresh. mixed. in fruit pooh. yum yum yum
4. music. I was at a drum/percussion concert this weekend, and I was just fascinated the whole time. It was super cool and entertaining. And I miss my Ipod terribly.
   
5. technology. I can keep in touch with friends so much easier. And telephones and computers are handy when you need a pick me up.
6. Pictures. I'm not a great photographer, but I like having something that catches the moment.
7. Honesty. I can't say enough about that. Honesty with family, honesty in relationships, honesty with yourself. I have dealt with all three within the past few hours, and can attest to how much HONESTY can make or break a good mood.

The people I present this award to are people you may not have visited yet:

Adlibby- entertaining. And, if you act now, you can be her 100th follower if you love her like I do.
Better Than We Deserve- She makes me feel good about my parenting. It's not just me who hates science fairs ;)
Snarky A - in the midst of adversity, she's funny and loving. A great lady!
Cat- She went a month not spending anything 'extra', and saved nearly 500$! Worth trying!
Michelle- Some incredible photography skills. She is darling.
Cate- The 'owner' of Six Word Saturdays. There's always something fun to read.
Aleesha- Raw diet, yoga lifestyle. I'm loving watching her 'release' weight and feeling healthier.

Chapter Books

I finished "Twilight". It was a good book, sure. I love when you finish a chapter and you're soooo excited to start the new one. But I was glad to finish it and completely excited to move on to the next book! There's nothing like moving on.

And so...as much as I was prepared to keep things to myself about this, I went on a date this weekend. In fact, my FIRST date with this guy was last week. And lemme just say, I had an AWESOME, amazing time.

Chris knows. Some of my siblings have met him. Some extended family knows. And some other friends know. So now, all the blogosphere knows too.

Dating is a crazy feeling. It's exciting and TERRIFYING at the same time. But dating after divorce takes on a whole new gamut of 'baggage'. Kids. Fears. Pain. Exes. So many things that you don't 'get' unless you've been there.

For example, check out Mindless's blog post here.

Soon I'll talk about this further. But I thought I'd bring out the next chapter of this blog-- a new chapter. Things with Chris will still be a huge focus of things in my life for a few years more, I know. But, as he stated, "I'm moving on". And part of that means leaving a few things behind. Not everything, but the pain- yes.

Just EF left to go. I've 'cleaned house' of things that remind me of Chris or EF or both. New sheets, new couches, new dayhome kids, new friends. I finally feel like, as hard as it is for me to let go of things sometimes, I'm putting part of the past year behind me. At least, as much as I can.

So, now I start book two.