Inner Dialogue

Did you know I've started this post three different times, read it, and deleted it again? yah. It's like my writing mojo is gone.

Mostly because I'm afraid to put something 'out there' when I feel so hopelessly vulnerable lately. Like I'm so fragile. I mean, I'm FINE, but I get hurt so easily lately. It's really kinda annoying to fret over such insignificant things.

I am really doing good. Really. I mean, I'm emotional, but in fact I'm feeling much more peace with my choice. I am happy right now without Chris here.

But, let's remember, I love him. And watching him break down into a cry I've never seen, in ALL our nearly 9 years together, was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to see. His grief is so deep. It's like he finally SEES it. He finally feels it. And part of me, watching him break down into such a deep-rooted painful release, just wanted to take it all back. "Come back home" "Let's stay together" "I can do this". And yet. I know that's not the right course for me. I know that as soon as I felt like saying those words, I felt wrong about them.

I said to him that I used to think that he broke my trust. But I'm coming to believe that it's not broken. It's amputated. Gone. It's not able to be 'regrown', after so many other issues. Broken bones get healed. But this is bigger than that.

Love is not all you need. I wish that was the case.

To top it all off, I don't like who I've become when I'm with him. The trust issues are too big on my side, and I'm becoming a fearful, paranoid, secretive, untrusting person. I don't like that. I don't need to be that.

A Thousand Words

A picture says a thousand words. So, here's some of my "thousand word" fave photos.









(I don't know who started this "Thousand Word Thursday", but a few of my blogger friends do it, so if it's you... SHOUT OUT to your genius! ;) It may be Debilyn...??hmm nope-- found it: Cheaper Than Therapy.)

Wednesday Ws and Word Verification Wednesday

Who: Babbling Brook
What: had a conversation with me
Where: in the car
When: this morning while waiting at the bus stop
Why: because she's cute.

Brook- You and my Uncle should be a good couple... he's having a divortion too!

BAAHAHAH, divortion. Like killing a full-grown, adult baby! haha. I am now loving that word. lol

Who: Me
What: is coping
Where: inside my heart
When: a little more each day
Why: because I have amazing friends. I have made new friendships with people in similar situations and have enjoyed 'comparing notes' and confidences. I have friends, tried and tested, who have stuck by my side through every tear and complaint. I have friends who bring cookies, send little love notes or packages, and speak in certain love languages that are touching and humbling. I hope I can be that friend to these people that they are to me.
And, because I have amazing family. Parents who are there for me whenever I ask. Sisters, who amidst their own phenomenal pain and hurt, have listened to my fears and failures, and have loved me in spite of my faults. Who support me more than anyone ever can. Brothers who hug and call and write messages. I feel loved more and more, and so less alone than ever.

And, because I have amazing faith.
I know I confuse people. But my faith in God and Jesus and the atonement are really bringing me through this. I know I 'chose' Chris to leave. But let's remember, it's never an easy choice to make when a marriage is at stake. It hurts. But sometimes the right choice is the hardest one to make.
So I thank my blogger friends I've never met but love completely, my neighbours, my ward, my dayhome mothers who are my friends as well, my separated/divorcing/divorced friends who 'get me', my Eight Gothic Vagina girls, and everyone who fits into any category above. Thank you. I've needed you.






And that's right. It's Chocolate Wednesday. I will not be having Chocolate today. And I'm okay with that. Besides, I'm not really into Chocolate lately. I'm more into the Candy thing, and had far too much Candy last night. lol.. and I loved it.

Being Wednesday, it's time to play along with Word Verification Wednesday, courtesy of Jillybean. Everyone join in!

My Verification Explanation today:
nernab

kidnapping a computer geek

One Year "Suck"iversary Today

Sorry, followers (and any lurkers out there).

I am not in the mood lately.
I cried much too much this weekend.
I am angry and hurt and reliving it all.

It's part of the process. The ups and downs.


But I have received a blessing. And had some peace. And cried. And learnt and grew and reflected.
And I will be fine in a day or two. Maybe in an hour or so, even.
Who knows.
I just know eventually I'll write. I'm sorry if you wonder where I am. (I know, how narcissistic of me! lol)

Six Word Saturday

My True Loves come in Threes.


.

(Bear, LL and Mimi, Valentines Day 2008)

Giveaway. That's all Folks.

I want to blog. But I'm tired. Although I have stuff to say.
So instead, you get this.

A giveaway you may want to check out. My girlfriend has a website to check out with some cute stuff, including this pendant, if you're into this type of stuff.
Go here.

Yah.
That's it for today. I'm just too tired to get all emotionally involved in some "Valentines Day as a single mom" post. blah.

Besides, this is a tough weekend for me.
One year on monday since EF's husband told me about the affair. So I'm pretty blah lately. I WILL post eventually. And beware the bitterness and anger. They're kinda brewing lately.

Okay, Okay, I'll Blog already- Wednesday Ws

It's been a month of Sundays since I did this, so, without further adieu, I present Wednesday Ws.

Who: Chris
What: surprised me
Where: sitting here at the computer
When: Last night
Why: he decided to read this blog. It's always good when he reads it-- it lets him kinda get into my 'head' a bit. Not that I don't tell him the same things I say here, but he says reading things is sometimes easier than hearing them. So, he sat and read the past few entries. The one with my friend and my conversation, the one about Nourishing... then he's all.. "uh, where is today's post?!" but I hadn't written yesterday, so I guess I should write today.
I don't know what he thinks about what he read. But I do know he gets me a lot more than I thought he did.
Today he told me that he doesn't think this will work out. Not because of anything on his part, but because of things I say or the way I am thinking lately.
I'm not sure he's wrong. But I am not sure he's right. I mean, I want this to work. I love him, he loves me (and I know that now), we don't fight about money like most people, we communicate what *I* see as fairly well, and we enjoy each other. So why doesn't this have potential?? Me.
I was talking to a friend who is also going through a divorce right now, and they asked me, "What do you want?". I replied, "I want to love without thinking again. Like I used to."
Is that possible? I don't know if I will ever 'love without thinking' anyone ever again. Or is it just not with Chris? Am I permanently damaged goods now? Never giving that up? I mean, I'm technically AFRAID to give it up-- I still have the emails from EF to Chris and from Chris to EF on my computer. And, the other day, I re-read them. Which only puts me into a horribly sad mood. And yes, I did it to myself. And I'm dumb for doing it. And I have ALL the power to erase those. But, something in me can't. Like I'm afraid of 'forgetting'. Or moving on-- moving on means changing something in a way I don't get to control? Maybe I would finally move on with Chris if I got rid of those. And EF. (I'm seriously contemplating telling her that I need her out of my life-- but we'll see. )

Who: Me
What: ate meat
Where: at my kitchen table
When: last night for dinner
Why: we had the 'mormonaries' (aka: missionaries) over for dinner last night. They know I'm doing the raw vegan thing, but I feel bad forcing others to eat it. So I made ribs. And, lemme tell ya.

It was SUPER delicious.

Man, I miss meat!!! THANKFULLY, my tummy didn't get upset with it, and I feel fine. But, I was back to my shake this morning. mmm. Berries and Flax, nothing better. And snap peas for snack. And Avocados. And all yummy goodness. For lunch, I'm making seasoned yam wedges-- by the way, they taste SO good, I feel like I'm cheating every time I eat them! And I've had a head cold for a week or so-- I especially like the pumpkin-orange goop left in the Kleenex after I eat that! LOL A few chickpeas and hummus and almonds and other veggies to round out lunch-- making me hungry!

Who: Seeley Carpet Cleaners
What: call nearly EVERY month
Where: ???? (doesn't apply)
When: uh. Every month. Keep up, eh?!
Why: to con me into using their cheap-arse carpet cleaning services. I hate professional carpet cleaning-- they do a TERRIBLE job. Me and Safeway's Rug Doctor do 5x a better job thankyouverymuch. HOWEVER, they also do furnaces. For ONCE, when I needed my furnace done, they actually phoned at a convenient time! So, Saturday, my home will be flushed of all germy nasty spores and my furnace will be running like...well... like a furnace!

Who: My girlfriend, my parents, and my brother
What: will be sleeping
Where: in my home
When: from tonight until the weekend is done
Why: Girlfriend has a convention in town and needs a place to sleep and eat. No problem, although, since Chris is officially 'OUT' by tonight, I'll be doing the single-mom thing again and will likely be running around with 3 monkeys every night... to do crap like get valentines made for school... which isn't even held on Valentine's Day... which meant I thought I got out of dumb stuff like that...which means I don't... which means I now will have a million square pieces of Sponge Bob valentines to pick up around the house... and chocolate wrappers... which is only annoying because I don't get to eat any of the chocolate.., because I'm raw vegan...and because Chris won't be giving me a Valentine's present...because I think Valentine's is a stupid holiday... and I've told him not to...which only means he should anyways... although, is he technically my valentine considering I've practically kicked him out?.. Not sure how much fun of a hostess I'm gonna be. LOL.
My parents are only here for a night on their way to a cruise. Yah. nice. I wanna go away. In fact, I was telling Chris that I am seriously contemplating taking a few days off and going somewhere warm. Like, beach-warm. Alone. 100% completely alone. Because I need to get away for a bit. Alas, I have a job.

Who: you guys
What: need to play along'
Where: below in the 'comment section'
When: today, Word Verification Wednesday, of course
Why: because it's fun. And I like reading your funny answers. Not sure what Word Verification Wednesday is? Check out Jillybean at Thou Shalt Not Whine to play along. Good times are had all over bloggyland.